Thoughts On Healing Left/Right Brain and Verbal/Non-Verbal Splits

For some reason today I've been thinking a lot about my youngest years, infancy to about 4 years old.
Many people say that they don't remember being a baby but I have a handful memories I'm certain are
from the ages of 2 to 3.

I'll share one and then roll it into the insight that it gave me. Around the age of 2 or 3, still in the crib,
I recall feeling some anxiety and couldn't really pinpoint the source. I remember very vividly in my mind
knowing that my parents were still up in the living room and that they would come for me if I cried or
screamed. On an emotional level I was debating with myself whether to call for them or just deal with
my anxiety until I fell asleep.

Well, screaming out for mom and dad won. My mouth opened and the cry echoed through the house in a way
that felt very detached from my body. I could hear the sound but couldn't believe it was coming out of
*me*. My father came in, picked me up, and sat me down with him and mom to watch football. I had never
seen a football game or football players before and thought that they were some type of robot.

I'm guessing now that I must have been 2 or 3 because I did have the language skills to know what
a robot was and say something about it to them. Still, the decision making process I went through
in my mind prior to deciding to call out to them seems, at least in memory, as if I possessed more
insight and knowledge within my senses than one would expect for that age. This is not to say I'm
'special' somehow, just that I'm thinking a lot about how people view children in terms of language
development alone while their internal reasoning states remain a mystery.

So, this is the insight that I had. In terms of splitting, and especially splitting in MK Ultra,
there are numerous reasons for creating left and right brain splits. I feel like what I experienced
is a good example of the reason why. My emotional and non-verbal reasoning were present on a more
developed level as a child. It was the learning of language (intentionally interfered with by the
program in a specific way) that helped create a barrier between perception, feeling and reality.

This makes sense when you think about the fact that people assign a lot of meaning and weight at
times to words, verbal logic, etc while devaluing the right brained emotional core. I more and more
believe that our *non-verbal* core is our source of insight and healing so long as we can reconnect
the left and right hemispheres in a way that allows for clearer expression of our experiences, moods,
beliefs, reactions..really anything that we want to open our mouths about.

This is especially true when working through amnesia. There have been times when my words to myself
and others about what I'm thinking and feeling *seem* accurate but aren't quite hitting the mark.
Yet, once trauma memories are recovered and the whole situation put into context, I'm finding that
my words are gaining a new power, clarity and accuracy. I KNOW what to say because I know what I
FEEL and also can hear what I'm THINKING about what I'm thinking and feeling. I can sit back and
watch the interplay between the two. I suppose this is similar to CBT and DBT modes of psychotherapy
except I'm practicing it on myself. Let's call it "the observing ego" with a brand new dictionary.

Can this way of working help other survivors? I believe that it can. I believe there is always
useful information present any time one is feeling out of sorts or at odds in terms of mood or
body sensations or both relative to how they *wish* they were feeling, what they wished they
were able to think about instead. If you get very quiet in this type of state you'll often
realize there are two currents: a feeling stream and a thought stream. When the two don't match
it's one of the main reasons for feeling overwhelmed, confused, moody, you name it.

I know it's easy to say with it and sometimes not so easy to do it. In that case, you may want
to try "moving with it" or finding a distraction. When I'm processing something nonverbally and
waiting for the right words to describe it, I usually listen to or play music, surf Facebook, play
with my dog, play with a fidget spinner, do housework, etc. It's important to be in the moment even
if you need a distraction. You could be, say, mopping the floor and think "I'm mopping but I'm still
aware of this uncomfortable feeling, but at least I am no longer sitting down and dwelling aimlessly
on it."  You may not get the insight you're looking for right away but if you keep moving and adding
variety to your day as you process things, it will get you there faster 99% of the time.

As always, though, some days are just crap. On those days, it's just as effective to do nothing
and ask yourself every hour or two "Do I want to continue vegging out or am I ok now?" Sometimes
we all need a little lazy holiday and some self care. Sometimes even a few hours of it will bring
back energy for the rest of the day. And when that doesn't happen? I've learned that there is
usually something phsyical going on, and that's normal, too. The only thing that can make it feel
better or worse are the thoughts I'm having about it.