A Rare Good Day

At this point in recovery, having also been targeted and, in fact, seen much of the targeting associated with memory recovery, it is rare when I feel like I'm having a really nice day. Maybe other T.I.'s can relate to this. It's like I've been driven down to the point of asking "what did I do differently? Or, what did I do to deserve this?"  As much as I know some of my experience is probably self-generated, there have also been some moments that were just too specific not to be staged.

What I feel I became most sensitized to is other people's rude and reckless behavior. Too many people trying to get into wrecks with me on the road. Too many people glaring, walking almost into me at times. Everything that used to be simpler, even if it was sometimes annoying, became five times harder. I've spent years now fighting against this perception. I tried varying my routine, going to different stores, doing things at different times of day. None of it seemed to matter. There were triggers waiting for me everywhere I went. Try to avoid one at one place and walk right into an equally (if not more) aggravating one somewhere else.

But today has been blissfully quiet. There was virtually no traffic. Everyone I encountered from the vet's to the grocery store had a smile on their face. It was so noticeably different and I felt better and lighter than I have in months.  In fact, a woman I had just met at my vet's office showed up at the same time as me at Wal Mart. I saw her at the checkout and said hello. She came over and gave me a big hug and said "It's not a coincidence."   So what changed today? It almost seems like I'm being positively targeted.

It feels good and is a huge relief. I just worry that it's the usual way my handlers set up giving me a few breaks in order to keep me slogging away at surviving until they're done with me. I don't like thinking that way because I might be contributing somehow; but at the same time I've learned over the years to be prepared for anything. If the stress isn't in my immediate life it usually ends up being something in the news that has its own set of triggers and potential to dredge up more memories. 

I'll do my best but I really need a nice long vacation.

I Always Knew...

You'd look weird with a beard...

Boy, am I in a mood today. I blame the beotch pictured above. My handlers are evil but at least they changed their minds about some things. So, Pam, Oxana, I won't pray that anyone puts a pregnant tarantula down your shirt or drops a screeching camel spider on top of you while you sleep if you'll promise to take this nasty whore out. I'm not saying kill her. Just get some more people to come out about George's booty groping and let the shit hit the fan. Maybe W. can finally come out of the closet, too.

I think that might make me feel better because I'm at a loss right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed at both of you, but what does the fox with Stockholm Syndrome say? Vague hope is all I have on days like this. I do everything I can think of to move forward but it seems like these types of bad days, bad dreams, bad everything is operating subconsciously and I'm too tired to fix it. Did you factor in that I might actually die? Because I did. Up to a point. Now you've exceeded it. 

Maybe after I express myself I'll wake up tomorrow and it will be another one of those days were I think about how I'm feeling right now and say "Why am I so silly?" Life is great! Life will be even greater eventually! I think that could be true. I think maybe I'm just being punched with a bad combo today and need to remember that these feelings always pass. 

But let me just take a moment to say how disappointed I am in all of you. I realize that I was always the normal, rational adult in my situation, despite being a child, while you all were running around like headless chickens trying not to get caught at being bastards. 

If that makes you mad why don't you ask yourself why you felt the need to put this hell onto someone who had zero to do with your life?

I try not to think about your psychology but then feel forced to in order to save my own life. How do I beat the devil? How do I break free from sociopaths having unlimited access to whisper dark shit into my mind? If I could just shut you the fuck up....

And it's not like I don't know that this blog post was expected and some of the things I'm saying are exactly what you expected me to say, so is it even me? Being an elephant in a conversation that repeats itself is very difficult. I don't need to spell out the Mangiacavallo curse to you because we both know it's too kind under the circumstances. 

I will never praise your 'god'.  Eat shit or die trying, you fucking scags.

Other Memories of Holly

I've been really grateful to reconnect with Holly and share what I remember. She seems to be happy about it, too. I had shared my earlier post along with a picture in a private message and she said she recognized the outfit I was wearing, that we had both been made to dress like that and she had been thinking about those colors. The first picture I sent is above.

I've been looking through other pics based on what she's told me so far and came across this:

I'm 9 or 10 in this. Pretty sure I was 9 still, which changes the timeline somewhat. Maybe I was close to turning 10. I sat and asked myself "Do I even know who took this picture?" Fragments start to come back. I'm pretty sure it was my friend Valerie. She came over about two weeks after the Bush-related programming that went on that included Holly. She brought it up and told me that I'd be going through some training as a teenager and then run through that training with Holly before they had her go through it with a different set of people. I thought this was very strange, the whole idea of it - and I guess you (or at least I) can kind of see that in my demeanor in this image.  I was zoning out and trying to focus on my hamster.  I didn't want to hear that my life was not my own. I didn't want to hear about war.

I also didn't want Valerie to be a part of it in any way, even though I slowly came to rely on the secrets she passed to me in a tone of total bemusement, much like my Aunt Shirley (and really all of my family) used to do. It was like we were all a bunch of jokers when we talked about what was going on, except I was the one with no sense of humor about it. My humor always ran contrary to my orders. I probably would've said "Nah, I'm going to be too busy being a rock star."  And I would have totally believed it.

One thing I'm pretty sure about is that when Holly and I met again as teenagers, our handlers said "Y'all are going through everything twice."   This was true. I went through my own program then I went through some of the things that they wanted to teach to Holly. By the time they put us together, they had me running through the same scenarios with her, to help her get through them without too much anxiety. 

I am pretty sure that we went diving together and that I reminded her to blow on the scuba gear mouthpiece to restore oxygen when it had slipped out on her while we were swimming through a very claustrophobic tunnel of water out to sea. 

We also went through some type of hand-to-hand combat scenario where we had to fight our way to the top of a building and gain roof access to this hill where we could see a grid below that we had to access next. I know she has written of having memories of this location at a later age, which helps confirm what I was told about us being practice partners. 

I can't remember which one of us was determined to get down there but I can remember feeling utterly exhausted by that point. I don't know when they had started with her but I was at the tail end of a 6 month long process and hated every moment and every thing about it. I didn't want to be a good soldier or succeed or be clever. I really just wanted a rocket ship to come take us both to a different planet or start our lives over in better times. 

The  next thing I can remember right now is portal related programming. They made me stand and watch while my father supposedly sent her through a "portal". We were in a desert-like environment with caves. He had thrown something to the ground. Possibly a screwdriver? And made her run out there to get it. It was like anti-programming actually. Here's a tool, pick it up.  Realize this situation is bullshit and everyone is getting screwed by it. 

I realize this may be in the wrong order due to being fragmented but I'm certain that Holly and I, along with Charlotte, Holly's "mom" (? or step mom?), someone who was either James Cabolt's real dad or Michael Aquino (no way to know or take their word because he was a stranger and all of James' supposed fathers look like him and have a similar physical build), Ron Paul and other handlers were all together at the farmhouse where Holly currently lives. Holly, if you're reading this, please don't freak out about it. I believe you are safe there right now. It's just that some of your alters you haven't met yet might recognize the environment. They did the same thing to me. I'm currently living in a house I was assaulted in. That part sucks but the safety and warmth of of having a home outweighs it for now. 

That said I recognize the furniture in Holly's room. I don't know if it came pre-furnished or if she bought it herself but it's exactly like what they had in there in 1990. It's the room where we held each other before the guy who is either Casbolt's real dad or Michael Aquino came in and assaulted the both of us. After that, he made us fight. 

At some point, though, I feel like Holly and I were talking to or being talked to by a group of people that included Charlotte, Debra, possibly the friend who calls herself Eridice (?) interspersed by appearances by some of the men who were present.

Everything being said was related to how all of us would interact with each other in the future. It seemed like there was a big concern about me talking to Holly. The theme seemed to be that I wouldn't and shouldn't be allowed "in" if I didn't give up being Episcopalian and start viewing everything in terms of Yeshua. It really seemed off to me. It was as if I was being told that I had to use the same religious language as everyone else or it wouldn't count.

At some point, Holly and I were by ourselves again for a bit. They had prevented her from showering after what happened but finally she was allowed to take one. We stood in front of a full length mirror just like the one she recently took a picture in front of and she said something to me about not being sure if she could be friends with someone like me. Everyone had made a big deal about the trans thing and I think at the time Holly was a Baptist (?), or her grandparents had gotten her into some kind of Baptist youth group or summer camp. 

Another fragment....I'm outside with Charlotte. We're standing in front of a tractor while Holly examines it (I think similar to the one she would end up working on this year) and I'm not sure right now what we're talking about. I'm almost positive she's got glasses on. She strikes me as very intelligent. I can tell that she is pissed off about the whole situation. She seems to be counter-programming me to ignore the "don't talk to Holly" stuff. 

By counter-programming, I don't mean she told me to talk. Instead, it seems like she was telling me that it doesn't matter what I say, Holly is not going to remember. She's programmed not to for some reason. She tells me I'll think maybe Holly will remember the thing with the tractor and seems to imply that I'm an asshole for bringing it up whether she mentions it or not.

The next thing I can remember is that it's dark but the moon is out and I'm standing around with a guitar and Holly is there on some sort of platform a little above me. They had us writing a song together. Holly didn't seem to want to and was somewhat bashful about singing - but once I talked her into it..in fact..I think I pissed her off into singing..and she let loose...she was amazing. She completely surprised me with one very soulful flourish she added to the basic vocal melody we were playing with. 

This is where I am with the farm right now. I know that I left with Charlotte. My handlers said they needed to get me away from Michael Aquino...oh wait now it makes sense...they said Aquino was coming to the farm next but they "knew" I would be confused about whether he was the one who was there or whether it was Casbolt's real father. This was due to the programming they were doing on James that they for some reason allowed me to be privy to..the whole thing about Aquino being like a father figure to him. And the fact that they were both big guys. 

It's easy for that to deteriorate in memory and it's also just due to the practical facts of the situation. I was only 16. I didn't have access to this guy's driver's license. He could have been anyone and just saying he was the person whose name would be on everyone's lips in the future. You see how sneaky they are with that? If all special details of all special memories must be true, then we are truly screwed. 

It should be enough when us survivors remember each other and have nothing to do with whether we can play the game they've set up around James called "Who's Your Daddy?"

Social Media Reprogramming

I just need to get this off my chest. I hope I can explain this in a way that doesn't frighten people or make them suspicious. At the end of the day we all have choices as to how we manage our emotions. We all have choices as to how we manage new information from alters. The problem is that our programmers aren't showing their whole hand and there are dangers to that which tie directly into deterioration programming. 

To understand what's going on, consider the case of Schrodinger's Cat. I'm talking about duality and about killing two birds with one stone. Imagine a scenario where survivors are used to deprogram or reprogram each other via the Internet. Those of us who are woken up will naturally begin searching for survivor communities so that we have people to talk to who can understand what we've been through. 

The catch is that many of these survivors will have at some point gone through the program together and trauma bonded with each other. Our alters may or may not recognize each other. Typically on some level they DO recognize each other, making the host robotically pass along memory fragments through social media, YouTube videos and even things like this blog. I'm sure by now I have probably shared some things that might speak to other survivors' subconscious awareness. It's not intentional on my part unless you hold the view that I shouldn't be writing about any of this much less sharing it at all due to the risks involved. 

The problem here is that the handlers have the complete map of each person's fragmented system while each of us as individuals is not aware of the whole picture. This gives them a level of control that has the potential to be psychologically abusive and re-traumatizing. 

I'll give you a personal example.  Since my own efforts at wading into the truth movement I have encountered at least a dozen individuals I clearly remember from my past. They typically do not remember me. Just because I remember them, however, does not mean I've recalled all the fragments of everything we went through with each other. I frequently find myself feeling powerless and ashamed when, upon meeting a familiar person, their alters act out what I remember as directives from the time we were together. More surprising is when I see survivors (usually their friends and colleagues) share information that I didn't think they would know because they weren't (as far as I've recalled) there at the time. 

I find myself asking often "Is it worth it? Do I push a little bit? Do I share more?"  And most important of all "What selfish need am I trying to fulfill if I do that? Am I helping both of us or just me?" 

Because the truth is we've all been put into the position of trying to heal each other without any guidance or professional support and without any knowledge of each other's limits and resources. If you ask me, that is a dangerous formula.  At the same time, I believe that if we are aware that this is the case then we can do damage control. We can recognize when we are being spun. I for one have had to confront my own urges to care take and rescue others. Many times I've witnessed people flipping out when new material is coming up and have had to combat the urge to tell them I think I know what it's about. 

The truth is that even if I know what some of it is about I don't really know how the other person's total system is being programmed. It's entirely possible I could "calm" someone's anxiety by sharing what I know only to find out that the programmers set up their system to cause a new flood, a new spin, a new anything once retrieving that information. 

Think of the hypnotic part of it as like a game of Tetris.We each begin by seeing ourselves in each other's fragmented mirrors.  Do we even know what picture we're creating?  We might think we do but we could also be horribly wrong. This is the directive of reprogramming and it needs to be in everyone's awareness. Especially if we are going to continue to share the truth and interact with each other. We need to develop our own defense system. We need to take real breaks from activism and real breaks from thinking about the past and guessing at the future. 

And when we do pursue our work online we need to be mindful of cues and triggers being generated like a game of call and response. The tape that they've put over our mouths is the fact that our work can lead us to walk right in to unprocessed trauma material right at the moment we least need  to be dealing with it. It could be our physical health that's at issue. It could be our finances. It can be both. That's why it's called a deterioration program.  They have put us in a repeating cycle of recovery and backsliding.  Yes, there is a reward for working through the material. There's also almost always a point where the next ore we mine puts us into a low energy state. The process of doing this over and over again without any improvement in our daily lives, however, is a real issue. 

There needs to be a lot more discussion on healing and positive distractions and ways of containing the memory work to a manageable level. As my handlers explained to me, some of the memory work is necessary so that disclosure won't be a total shock to the system. Yet, the memory work itself IS potentially the activation/reactivation. Context is key. If you are sitting in a homeless shelter being prompted to remember every time you were raped and someone just happens to drop a gun in your lap, what does that tell you? 

Everyone please take care and proceed with caution.

Undetectable?

Some food for thought as people explore their own memories. If you read the standard definition of an MK Ultra survivor at most online info sites, you usually see wording similar to "a program designed to create undetectable Manchurian Candidates" or something like that. 

You may eventually also see talk of "perfectly structured multiple personality disorder" or "complex DID" or "poly-fragmented".  The insinuation is that these tactics must somehow be so indecipherable that no one can ever understand them. Certainly, the average person will have difficulty helping a survivor piece through their memories and build a case for the purpose of the programming; but that is because no one is ready to believe the truly mundane ways these goals are accomplished. 

The devil is in the simplicity. Much of the real training is done on people (at least in my case) outside of formal settings. Although I did experience some time in the underground bases and also always had handlers at school, I also had family who could help with the training in the context of ordinary activities. 

I'll give you an example of how that was used to my benefit. One of my handlers informed me at a young age that there was at least one abuse scenario she'd already planned out for my teen years that she didn't think I'd survive. Even if I survived physically it might be too much psychologically. In order to get out of it, she said, I had to physically disable her. She told me she wanted me to learn how to throw knives so that I could land one right in her throat without killing her, only forcing her to go to the hospital so that the abuse couldn't be carried out. 

That would be information given to me in one context, around 1982. Of course, other traumas cover that conversation up. Meanwhile, however, my grandfather just happens to get me interested in learning how to whittle wood. This gets me comfortable with holding a knife and using it as a tool.

Once the neighbor boys up the street find out I have a knife, they start teaching me how to throw it and challenging me to target contests. My father just "happens to notice" and begins teaching me how to throw a knife and hit a target. We practice on the ground and on trees. Well, then I lose interest in knives for a couple of years. It's not until I'm around 12 or 13 that my handler gets me to start target practice again.  This goes on off and on a few months and again I lose interest. 

Finally, by the time I'm 16 and the time has come to get out of what's about to happen, they've already got me wearing an empty gun holster in which I've stored a knife. My handler is standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I'm back on the other side of my bed, as far into the corner of the room as I can go. I pull out the knife and, from a distance of about 6 or 7 feet, hurl it at her with swift yet medium force. It goes directly into the curve of her throat, like a tracheotomy. She chokes out "Ok, that was..a little deeper than I wanted...but I'm ok."  I escape that particular programming session. 

It still amazes me that she programmed this based on what seems to me as the bare minimum of practicing throwing knives. I have no idea how I hit the precise target. I could not do it consciously today unless I spent hours upon hours practicing intentionally hitting a target. Somehow, the precision was autonomically controlled while the conscious practice was only for the comfort of whoever would be co-conscious at the time. 

That was knives, let's talk about guns.

I was conditioned to accept guns the way most kids in the U.S. are - through toys. I had a lot of cap guns and spark guns and Star Wars style guns, etc. After a particularly bad round of abuse/ect, one of the mafia capos gave me a "ring gun" that could shoot real, small caliber bullets. In this case they were doing it as a way of appearing to offer power and control and then take it away. "Don't you wish you could shoot us", was the message. I remember wearing the gun ring, playing with it, and asking my mom if we had bullets for it. I know she did her usual frown of concern and said "No, they aren't going to let you do that. They aren't giving this to you for protection. Why would they? Wouldn't it make more sense for us to protect you? And your dad actually has a gun that he can't use either, so why would you get to shoot anybody?"

This continued through childhood in different ways. My older brother bought an air powered pellet gun that was no joke compared to what's out there today. This thing shot actual lead slugs. It could do more damage than a BB gun. It was an in-between step. 

All of this happened at the same time as the rare camping trips to my uncle's rural property, where my father began to teach me about real guns. By the time I was 14 I had become skilled with .22 rifles, semi automatic pistols and shot guns. I was great with a .22. I also got pretty good with the hand guns as my father taught me how to spin suddenly and target a single blade of grass with just a hand gun. I believe he had this type of training when he was in the Army. 

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that from an outsider's perspective, there wouldn't be any red flags raised by someone relating a history of throwing knives with the boys and "going hunting with dad". 

It only starts to raise concerns when I'm able to say "You know, friend, the fabric of my life also included acting out hand-to-hand combat scenarios with my father while he was drunk, because that was just how he was. And I've participated in a lot of sports that require climbing and running, but doesn't everyone? I've been taught some advanced stuff and given classified info but must be too stupid to understand how it relates to the fact that my engineer father is obsessed with Nazis, my artist mother soothes herself with British dramadies, my brother faked his own death and my sister and her family are the next generation being targeted because I've witnessed the handlers I thought were only after me go after her and my nephew and brother in law."

It's all insidious and repetitive and they can accomplish much more than most people are aware of through the family system and every day life experiences. There's more to say about this but I feel like I need to reflect on it a bit more first.

Lessons Learned from Being Activated

I want to try to describe the process that I've gone through in waking up. It wasn't entirely my own design but something coordinated by my handlers from birth.  First, the basic structure from a psychological point of view: 

1. Layer in commands during trauma programming.

2. Layer in other programming relationally through friends and family,
    music, tv, etc.

3. Control perception of each handler's goals, intent and feelings about the subject. Good cop/bad cop. Over here, we're abusing you, but over here we're telling you we're getting you out of it.

4. Cluster alters or sets of triggers in a way that the response is flexible over time so that a conditioned response can be directed towards a different behavior and set of thoughts.

5. Continue to reinforce and prime various stimuli so that memory retrieval is stronger if the program is set to start later in life or in any sense "far away" in terms of time and/or amnesia relative to the core programming.

I'm going to try to simplify this by describing first my memories of the times I had more or less amnesia compared to now. The easiest way to do this is to assign a catch phrase to each step in the developmental process since so much of this is tied to learning theory.

Birth - 10: I know there's something going on. The memories are just below the surface but mostly in the sense of conditioned silence. If anyone asked I would have told them, as long as they asked me in the right way. Otherwise, I would either act totally ignorant because I truly was, or some part would sense the "no talk" rule and I self silenced out of fear.

11-15: Dealing with the ongoing abuse is becoming too much. I develop a hyper/comic persona alongside a lovesick, depressed part. I continue looking for someone to talk to and discover a new "handler" my own age. We meet at 14 and I begin to share secrets at her house. Her family is in contact with my handlers and they use them to relay information to me.  Some programming and hypnosis sessions are done to prepare me for the next phase.

16-17: My peer handler and family take me on a series of road hypnosis sessions where I'm given an insane amount of information. My situation is fully explained to me for the first time in my life. Much of it confirms what I already knew. However, the parts that I didn't know about in terms of what was coming up for me in the future became their entryway into setting up the outcome of the activation. 

I'm going to stop there and explain a bit more.  Imagine you are going through this program from birth. From a developmental stand point, you've grown up in it and you do have some information stored in your own memories but you  may not see the structure or understand who all of these people around you really are. Where did they come from? What is their goal? Why is my family involved? Why can't we get out of it? 

These are the types of leading questions the handlers rely on. If your own family is in denial or sworn to silence and you are told that only outsiders can tell you the truth, you are put in a position of needing to evaluate everything from a position of learned helplessness. In my case, I wanted to hear that the abuse was going to end by the time I was out of high school. I wanted to hear that I was going to be free and have a good life. 

Instead, what I heard was that the situation was grim and that I was not free but *could* be free by my 40's as long as I could trust my handlers just enough to help me method act my way out of the system.  In handler speak, though, what that means is: "We are still putting you through a deterioration program. We are still doing what we always planned to do to activate you. The only difference now is we're tweaking just a few things to try to change the outcome."

So, based on the trust relationship I had with my best friend/peer age handler, she was used to help me summarize all of the memories I'd shared with her,  all of the good memories she'd had of me, and all of the details of the deterioration program. She explained to me how to use the mnemonics and understand the "spelling".  She helped me understand how to use my stronger, host self to interpret the tone and content of the instructions I was being given and figure out for myself how far I needed to go with any of it. 

Why did it have to be this complex?  Because to survive the process, I had to deteriorate. The whole point of how they were doing this, they told me, was to try to control the deterioration until it was safe for them to truly help. The very nature of going through the process required some level of back sliding in life. If I had not, for instance, ran off from my home and attempted to live on the streets for a month, I probably would not have been able to listen to one of my fear alters who knew what I needed to do to escape the abuse event that would've led to my death and the activation of lone wolf/mass shooter programming.  

You see, I'm not the type of person to do that. Homelessness terrifies me, but if I had combated the urge to run I may never have recovered the information I needed.

In large part, that is because I've had to go through the process in silence. There was no professional help to counter that directive or get me to the answer any sooner. I had to force myself to face the cult created chronic fears (death of family, abandonment, joblessness) that had plagued me throughout my 20's and 30's in order to return home and begin working and saving towards the changes I needed to make to save my own life. 

You  see, the original program was designed to use guilt, shame, pressure, manipulation, disappointment, frustration, etc as a means of preventing me from completing my transition from female to male. By transitioning I am no longer open to sexual assault. The sexual assault was what they planned to use to create the "first ever transgender mass shooter" (and of course use that to further their own agenda of reversing our rights.). 

So, you can see as I did that if I had remained on the streets under the guilt/shame pressure command of : "Your family doesn't even keep this from happening to you! If you don't tell them goodbye forever you will never have a job or a life and you'll be homeless anyways. Leave now to save your own life" then I would have lost. I would have eventually lost all hope of family support, I would have lost the last of my material resources, I would've lost my health. I could even have lost my life. And that was their original goal. Throw away your time and money so that you don't get to transition like you always wanted to. Leave yourself vulnerable to us.

It's easy to see how I could buy into that at first. I've always been too dependent as a part of the program. I always feared the loss of family and loss of support.  I've only ever wanted to "man up" and say "I am done with this BS. No more."  So, they get me to act it out.  Yet, if I had continued to live on the street, I eventually would have been picked up and raped. 

I'm still working towards finding a way to describe all this in a way others can easily understand but I think the best way to summarize it is to say that it's a confidence game similar to crying wolf. The manipulation/activation of the fear alter is all based on whether the abuse is over or not. If someone is triggered because they know the "threat" resembles abuse that did occur in the past, it is very difficult for that alter not to be protective and follow the order paired with that trigger. If they did it to me once, they probably aren't lying about doing it again. Or are they? It's total hell to have to go through that type of thought process. It's dis-empowering and infuriating but sometimes you have to think about it.

In my case, it was vital that I follow some of the fear triggers only to return humiliated and wishing I'd just blown them off like I'd been doing. If I hadn't done that I don't know that I would've been able to take down enough of the amnesic barriers to get to the information I needed. I am deeply grateful every day to God, Hayley and others for making sure that I survived this process and did not have to endure the last straw. 

I think this is just the beginning of exploring this topic. Hopefully it will resonate with some people. If it's confusing at first, just meditate on it, reread if need be and realize that your system (if you think you might be like me) will have it's own keys, it's own set of activating events.  My activation began at the age of 36 in a context that included a total failure to launch in terms of career and romantic success and unfinished grief over Hayley's death. Really, she was the key in the ignition of the program since she was the one who helped the most. My grief about her was activated by my roommate/former band mate who was not aware that we had both been trafficked together and were being played off each other (pairing two survivor's activation programs, like ping pong). 

 It has been a process ongoing since 2010, while the stimulus was primed from 16 onwards.  If you can make sense of that on first reading, I salute you! It has taken me this long to put it into words.They basically pulled a Han Solo on me. I was frozen in time and awoken 26 years later. Everything that happened in between was just life in the wilderness.