Healing Takes More Than Time

This post is for anyone going through a difficult time in their recovery. I hope readers will have some feedback and insights to share on the subject. What has worked for you? What was the hardest thing for you to recover from or deal with and what was easier? 

In my personal experience (and I suspect many others can relate to this as well), one of the worst parts of PTSD is anxiety. It is even worse if you've got health issues related to the stomach, esophagus, lungs or other central parts of the body because so many things can mimic the onset of a panic attack. I have had both real panic attacks and panic attacks induced by acid reflux. 

But all of the symptoms from anxiety to anger to depression are our unfortunate legacy - we  know the symptoms have been there a while. They were easier to manage when we were still in our amnesia. It gets harder when you start to wake up, though. This is even more true when you've been programmed to wake up a certain way, as many of us from the government projects were programmed to do. 

I'm not saying I'm an expert or have it easier. I don't. I'm just a little farther along and have survived. So, I want to list a couple of symptoms you might go through and let you know that they're normal:

1. Sudden sense of panic that comes out of nowhere and lasts maybe 30 seconds (might include gastric symptoms, feeling of nausea, hot flashes).   Panic symptoms are fairly normal. When it gets to this stage (the stomach stuff is what I go through) I can promise it is largely due to needing to take better care of yourself. Us survivors tend to go through addiction issues, many of which can cause or worsen gastritis, acid reflux, etc.

2. Feelings of doom, hopelessness and despair.  Also normal. Some of these feelings might be engineered from the outside but I also find that internal parts have a lot to do with it, too. You've got to try to tune in and hear what your parts are saying in the back of your mind. 

3. Rage, impatience, irritation.  Not pleasant but also normal. Worse when you're tired or sick. Really frustrating if you can identify outside triggers, such as gangstalking, that seem designed to push your buttons. Beyond that it is usually an alter mis-programmed to bring up the worst of the abuse over and over (for instance, repeated flashbacks or body sensations of sexual assault).

4.  Racing thoughts, unusual thoughts or confusing images or mental flashes. Also normal. The problem with this is that once it gets started it sometimes doesn't want to stop. The mental flashes, in particular, that seem out of context or possibly from the imagination are often actually memory fragments.  If you get a lot of these and it seems to just go on its own steam then you were probably set up with what the handlers call a "flood program".  Even if you aren't getting flooded with full memories you are still getting flooded with fragments and body sensations.  To me, this usually feels a lot worse than just knowing what it's about. I recommend finding a distraction, watch or listen to something funny or educational. 

5. Isolation, agoraphobia, ocd type symptoms. Also common. If you are a targeted individual on top of everything else then you've got to contend with this part of the program. I know it can be very exhausting to go out of the house and deal with all the triggers put right in your face on a daily basis. That's what they want. 

Per number 5, let me speak to that a bit more before I wrap this up. In my targeting, the triggers are always designed to stand in contrast to my mood and symptoms. If I'm feeling sick and tired and just need to get some food and go, then it will always be the case that someone goes in front of me in the express lane at the store with 20 or more items, writes a check for them and then stands there and chitchats with the cashier for 5 to 10 minutes.  If I complain, all the store employees respond as if I'm a crazy asshole. 

When I wake up irritated and mad about the sexual component of the abuse, it's usually a lot of euphemistic triggers in people's conversations. "Yeeep, I heard she's wide open". "Oh no, I have a head injury", etc, etc. It will also usually be online with suggestive advertisements across social media and other sites, usually delivered by advertising. 

They seem to know when I'm especially irritated and over it all because that's usually when I start seeing ads, stories, etc about guns, gun violence, suicide, mass shooters, etc.  And that is irritating in itself. Those are the moments I can hear and feel them most strongly. Come, on, J, aren't you gonna go get 'revenge'?   Nope, only Montezuma's revenge!

Ultimately I think what most of us need is some cold hard cash. Healing is not just time consuming but also expensive. I would love to live in a house or apartment that I've never been raped or tortured in but I can't afford to at the moment. I would love to get a few more things taken care of medically but I can't afford to at the moment. I would love to be less isolated and go into the big city near me and try to find friends and maybe a lover, but I can't do that drive on a regular basis..and I can't afford to move there at the moment.

You see where this is going, right?  It's no coincidence so many of us end up on SSI, physically and/or emotionally disabled.  Many of our injuries and accidents are programmed. Our education and our work life is programmed. We are kept alive in a closed system that is equivalent to living in a fish bowl.  We must keep our heads up, our hopes up and our hearts full. Strive for creative solutions to find the way out. Find at least one awesome thing a day to be thankful for and put your trust in God finding a way through. This is the best advice I can give at the moment. I'm eager to hear what others have to say.

Guest Post: Meet Dogwood Blossom!

This is DogwoodBlossom backt to make a brief a very brief introduction about myself, which hopefully  I will say more about later.

First, though, I want to place myself in time and context to Anonymous Dude.

I was born in late 1956, so I am approximately 17 years older than A. Dude and some other Mkultra people about whom you may have heard.  I was born into multigenerational Satanic/Luciferian family, but also like many born into this, I was also placed into and trained by the US government's Mkultra program from very early childhood.  

 

My Mkultra programming was primarily related to  primarily psychic and dark spiritual training...along with some other  types of black projects activities as well. Another time I will likely comment more on these things.

Also, unlike A Dude, my memories of the Satanic cult involvement are much clearer and more complete than my Mkultra programming overall, which are more sparse.  However, my dreams beginning even from early childhood indicated involvement in both of these areas, even although my more complete memories only began coming up in my early 30's.

Similar to many others born into these families, my family presented as a "normal" middle to upper middle class "good"  citizens, and attended church etc.  There would have been few if any signs of what was going on below the surface.

I have been through decades of therapy etc to work through my horrendous and tortured memories... and alters... to arrive at the place where I am now;  meaning for over 10 yrs now I have not been suicidal from the horrors I was recalling and the accompanying suicidal and even homicidal programming .  At this point I can honestly say that it is incredible that I survived and am  alive.

 

I still have alters, but they are much more settled and cause much less havoc than in my 30s and 40s.  However I still have "new" memories  and  alters emerge from time to time even now.

For me love and kindness toward ALL, others, ourselves and our alters, and all animal creatures on this planet, is what is most is most important.  I am a follower of Jesus, and I believe this is what He taught.  I have also found this kind of love have  most healing; thus I will not participate in the cruel and judgemental divisions found among many who claim to be Christians.

I hope to write again soon more here on this blog.

Waking Up: Could You Be a Monarch Survivor?

A powerful video testimony posted by a friend reminded me of the time I was still sleeping, having once known of my situation and then saw it covered up again. Even that's not totally accurate since I continued to be accessed through my 30's. I was always going through "knowing" and "not knowing".  This is what it's like to lead a double life, essentially dealing with a split personality that shares the fragments between two sides 

For instance, I can remember a day in my late 20's when I paused in a reflective mood, smiled and enjoyed the realization that I had not, to my knowledge, been raped in the past 2 years. If I had even thought of such a thing at another time it would've seemed ridiculous or induced a panic that shoved the questions away. 

In a similar fashion, I enjoyed shows such as Coast 2 Coast AM that covered esoteric subjects such as MK Ultra. I remember being very interested in the subject at times and doing internet research on the topic. A part of me would read the words and think "Yeah, I think this might have happened to me." Then I eventually became too triggered and would drop the subject for a while. 

How telling, though! If you'd asked me at any time prior to my 20's I could've told you all about it. I could keep the memories closer to the surface then for, I hypothesize, two reasons:

1. They were still relatively fresh by the mere fact of not being as far back in time or developmentally.

2. The structure of my life supported that type of recall. I was a mere high school student living in a rural area with not much to do but think and write.

What I'm driving at here is that if YOU can relate to this or if you ever ask yourself "Why am I interested in this topic?" it is a very good indication that you may have a hidden history. These programs are so covered up and so designed to seem far-fetched to truly average, un-involved people that it's virtually diagnostic of survivorship to have an interest in the topic.

I know that's a bold statement. You don't have to take action or look inside if it feels wrong to you. If it feels wrong, then you aren't ready. But I do encourage those who feel ready and able to explore to continue to research this, watch the video testimonies of other survivors, keep a journal of your feelings and thoughts and reactions. You may begin to uncover a story of your own.