Target Back

In case the trolls don't really have an allegiance and are feeling bored, I've been put on a robocall list since first speaking out and sharing this blog. Pic and numbers listed below. Feel free to call or answer them like I do and tell them to blow it out their ass.  The list below is way less than has happened. I deleted the first 2 dozen calls but then decided to start tracking after I went through the street targeting.





408-337-9069
 
469-309-5012

323-406-6465

619-363-9165

580-307-6487

469-309-5012

29662 (whatever that means)

469-262-4485

Thoughts on Chips vs. Clinical Hypnosis

I was talking to a fellow survivor the other day about what I've experienced in terms of people seeming to know exactly where I am every moment of the day, regardless of whether I'm in a car or on foot and with or without a cell phone. I was asked whether I might have an implant. 

My answer to that was that it's entirely possible but I hesitate to go that route since so many things in my life have been staged and accomplished in other ways. They've got more than one way to break an egg, basically. 

I have memories of being injected and being told that they had to be able to track me when they started activating me to run and recover the memories. At the same time, though, I've also started to remember a very deep hypnosis session where I was told the dates and times of places to be throughout my life.

I'll give an example..I can hear one of my friend's voices when they had me half asleep in the back of a suburban telling me to go to a specific bar in Austin, at a set date and time that was (at that point) still 10 years into the future at least, and stand in front of the security camera and develop an itch on my nose. Then she counted down...3-2-1...scratch it!  So this seemed to be some sort of "tell" that they needed me to perform. I don't know who obtained the security footage, if they even did at all. 

Based on what I've experienced, it's possible that all of the tracking and targeting I've experienced was accomplished through hypnosis alone. My trauma was bad enough to have pretty much developed full-blown marionette syndrome. They wouldn't really need any technological means of following or cuing me. That's only my personal experience and opinion. Every time I realize I've behaved predictably or robotically, another memory comes up. I'm not saying there couldn't also be a chip, just that I have no means of ascertaining that scientifically. The types of frequency scanning apps you can find for free online are subject to picking up on AC hum from appliances as well as disruption from normal EM in the environment. 

If it turned out I do have something in my body I doubt I'd remove it at this time. I believe it is there for my own safety and wouldn't think of removing it until I know for a fact that I'm 100% safe and the device is no longer necessary. Some may balk at this idea but I have complete faith that my handlers did this to help me method act my way out of the program. They said that was the plan all along and the process helped me uncover the information I needed to stop the last attack - one so vile I surely would have gone postal or just jumped off a bridge. 

The reason I don't feel completely safe at the moment is due to the fact that they had to pull this off right under the nose of their bosses. Essentially, it has to look like they weren't helping me avoid the soldier activation. That means just putting up with an excess day-to-day rudeness and stupidity, yet, they helped turn that around as well into the whistle-blowing I'm doing now. It isn't an easy path but it is one that is going to help not just me but many others. I do have faith in that.

Ritual Elements I've Experienced

I hear survivors discuss this quite often but I haven't detailed much of what I remember. I'm going to address the issue today in this post. 

Ritual elements were used during trafficking when I was very young, but the group did not use them consistently. Sometimes there were masks or props, but not always. Sometimes the use of drugs was "necessary" to attempt to make the scene appear more real to me but it just never seemed to work to terrify except in 2 cases I can recall. Let me start with those.

In the first case, a family member was taken to a back room and, I'm assuming, had a lot of Hollywood make up artistry applied. He returned in a black robe with horns on his head and it looked real enough at the time that I flew into a panic. In another case, several family members were required to dress up in Nazi SS uniforms. That one disturbed me as well.

Rarely, there would be some satanic elements brought in, such as wearable goat heads, moonlight dances, chanting in a different language, etc. But these events were mostly "parties" preceding the child abuse. For reasons I don't fully understand, one of my main handlers would sometimes wear a black robe with red and yellow epaulets, symbolizing the red winged blackbird.

I believe the most ritualistic thing to happen to me occurred around age 8. There was a practicing satanist who had been in prison somewhere in Arizona or New Mexico. I just found a news article about him a few years back but am having trouble recalling his name at the moment. He was brought to my house because he needed a child's heart blood for a ritual. I was given a shot of epinephrine to speed up my heart, after which he inserted a large needle through my rib cage to draw the blood. I don't know if I've ever been so in fear as I was during that event. 

As always, I believe these elements are brought in to create confusion and discredit the victim. To the extent someone is focusing on how people look or what they think they might see in front of them, the less they are paying attention to their surroundings.  What color is the room? Is there any art work on the wall? Is there an envelope with a name and address anywhere?

Those are the types of questions we'd answer for law enforcement and they are the very things the ritual elements are designed to distract from. 

Street Jerks

My phone was having trouble turning on so my friend took this for me, among others, of the guy who started harassing me for no reason at all while I walked my dog. Not sure what he was saying at first but it seemed hostile. Sounded like he claimed I bought my Golden Girls shirt at a "mexican wal-mart, make you look like weak".  No one disses the Golden Girls, buddy.  I'll be talking to the people I think he does yard work for and also following up with the police in case of retaliation.

Not for the Feint of Heart

But this shiz is cracking me up. Check out their vid on the pirate clippers, too.

 

Sunday

No particular subject today. Today I'm just rambling and being more personable than philosophical. Self care days like this are necessary. 

I'm listening to music with my roommate and laughing at the trolls out there. I don't and won't say much about what I know. I'm not even going to say I'm warning anybody off anything. The truth is i honestly don't care. I would love to be smeared online because I know what's coming up here in the next few years. If this is your job I hope you can still dust off that Liberal Arts degree, lol.

Just for grins, here's a pic of a half-naked me:

Please feel free to share this to all conspiracy groups as evidence of my true reptilian being. My evil plans include continuing to love my dog, making friends, healing and learning everyday and hopefully losing some weight, too. I know, I know. I must be stopped!

Another Conundrum Processing in Real Time

My handler's voice broke into my dreams last night to tell me she'd appreciate it if I quit eating red meat. My programming from 16 told me to question whether I should post the following image. Why? Get ready for major weirdness. Because some day I would do this blog. Some day I would start meeting other survivors. Some time I'd realize I might have met them before. And someone, somewhere would be very hurt and angry with me if I posted this image of a cow that describes the stuck point I feel I'm at currently. I guess if I lose a friend it is worth the price of not letting myself be silenced. 

I don't do what I do to hurt myself or others. I guess I am selfish to a degree to just run my mouth. I've always hoped to meet someone someday who might know who I am. Maybe compare notes and actually pursue legal justice.  But as I've said in past blogs sometimes being around other survivors can be triggering in ways we may not understand because we are still processing everything ourselves. Right now I feel like the order I'm remembering things in is creating an issue. What if I write down a memory that describes something another survivor also went through or something we may not know we went through together?

I've always said I try to keep things measured but I'm starting to feel that each new layer I feel confident in my awareness of leads me to do things that yank off yet another layer or start a fresh round of memory fragments I don't necessarily have the energy to deal with right now and I'm sure that happens for others as well. But I hate to think that talking about our experiences has the ability to cause that high of a price unintentionally. I'm continuing to meditate on this and hopefully will receive clarity.

It feels to me like God would say just let go and let whatever happens happens. I can't control someone else's past or their present reactions, only he can. And I don't want to do acrobatics like that because that would effectively make me someone's handler in a certain way. And I am nobody's handler. I can't even dribble a basketball properly.

Belief II: Lessons from Faith

Growing up Episcopalian was not by choice but it taught me a lot. I spent 1st through 7th grade at a private church school where we had chapel 5 days a week, first thing in the morning. There were two priests, Father Robert Maceo and Father John Twyman, who did an excellent job of teaching us trafficked kids how to interpret The Bible for our situation. In fact, the whole community did an excellent job of living by example in order to teach us how to survive through faith. 

One of the most important lessons I learned was this: dump the occult and become an adult.  This means you have to know the difference between not just faith and the occult but forms of Christianity with occult elements being sneaked into them. 

As Father Maceo would say, when a survivor comes forward with a fantastic sounding memory, we must believe that *something* has happened even if we are skeptical of certain aspects of the memory. You see, Father Maceo taught us how to use Jesus as the ultimate skeptic. Whether someone is dealing with memories of aliens, reptiles, demons, etc, Jesus tells us "don't ask yourself whether these things are real because it is not for you to know. If they are real, don't worry. I've got it."

That's the approach I prefer. The reason is because our suffering is very difficult to describe to the general public if we have to get them to believe things they are prone not to believing. This is where it gets interesting because it illuminates what the cult is doing.

You see, let's say that you remember being sexually abused but you also remember aliens. Should you be tasked with getting someone to believe in aliens in order to believe you were sexually abused? No. But that is how the cult sets things up. The abuse occurs in tandem with a lot of Hollywood make up and magic. 

Whether such entities are real is not for me to decide. They don't have to also be real in order for the human crimes against us to be real; yet, by frequently mixing these two elements together during the trauma, the cult hopes that the survivor will focus on the part that is even harder to prove than whatever felony the group is committing against them. 

This is why I developed a personal relationship with Jesus. I don't need others to tell me what he is saying to me. I don't need to believe in the same way others do in order to receive Grace. I only need to believe that he's got my back and will sort things out in a way that makes sense and works for me. He is my tabula rasa.

And the greatest of these is love.. -John 3:16

A Mystery Solved: Handler Manipulation of Family Dynamics

Recent emotional stressors have led me to uncover a very deep layer of programming. This post is very personal and feels very important. I ask that you read it in the order intended. I'm trying to recreate my processing experience for you in real time. If you follow along in this way and really open yourself to it emotionally it might help you discover some things for yourself as well.

I promise that I am going to present this at a metered a pace.  Ok, here we go...

I've been thinking about my own defense mechanisms a lot as well as ways I feel wounded. It has often seemed to me that my struggles in life are due to other people damaging my trust and self confidence in such a way that I can't trust my own perceptions - or worse - if I do trust my perceptions and opinions then I cannot act on them. I have been rendered financially powerless and, sometimes emotionally and/or physically powerless. My handlers frequently spoke of a Kennedy family member who was being sexually abused while disabled in a wheelchair.

This type of suggestive catastrophizing played right in to the intimate violations of physical and emotional incest on every level: spiritual, emotional, psychological, political, economical. It was, in other words, a nuclear war within nuclear families.

Start listening to this song as you read the rest: 

My experience of my handlers was that they wanted to claim my mother, a victim of multi generational abuse herself (as well as my father's side of the family), was somehow deficient and that they were the ones who were nurturing me in a situation where everything human was being raped from me.

They wanted to create an environment where family dynamics flipped on end. My handlers appeared more nurturing and maternal at times than my own mother - who was dealing with her abuse while watching mine. Yet she was the one who truly helped me combat the pressure of my handlers to become like they are. Whether they were abused or not (which they were), their anger was so unhealthy and intense that they were willing to try to turn children into abusers and pedophiles.

They seemed to be doing this experimentally and were fascinated by the fact that I sometimes healed some of the traumas by finding things to love about them. Again, we're getting into classic Stockholm syndrome here. It's like loving Dr. Mengele and thinking maybe he's changed his opinion on some things...which, he actually might, but only to try another experiment to determine whether he should have done it or not. Can we say: Classic intimacy issues? Seriously...but I digress.

I have seen this dynamic play out in my own romantic relationships and friendships but not at the same degree or perhaps I'm wrong about that. Actually there have been a few relationships between myself and other survivors that have been intentionally marred by the cult.

I guess what is interesting me right now is how healing it can be *eventually* - despite all the pain of lost love and forfeited success - to realize that some of the trauma was already discharged by reliving childhood with survivors instead of perpetrators. And the notion that my handlers intended this for me tells me that I am correct in assuming at least one of them had a change of heart. That somehow my own being broke through to another survivor who was acting against her own self interests and was so filled with self hatred she needed to borrow some of the love I'd stored up from my family, who she tried to tear down, but who always supported and loved me..when those witches weren't around.

Those are my thoughts on that, now I will share the lyrics and video link to the song that my handlers used to summarize this dynamic:

The Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love?

You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you and that's worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame, what a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with
You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you and that's worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?

More On Pyschotronics

The previous post got me thinking about my experience with voices. I believe I can tell the difference between my own internal ones and ones that are generated from the outside. I could be wrong, though, since the most dramatic experiences I had of what sounds like V2K technology occurred during the 1980's. It may be different now.

Although my handlers admitted the technology exists they also claimed they weren't using it on me. That they were instead inducing partial complex seizures via electroshock - the seizure supposedly happening hours or days later - and that this caused what was whispered to me in my sleep or in post hypnotic states to fire off audibly in my mind.

I'd like to describe what the voices actually sounded like and what they said. Perhaps others who have had this experience can tell me if it sounds familiar.

The first time I recall it happening I was around 5 or 6. I was swimming at the Y, where one of my handlers worked. I was under water when I heard what sounded like church bells and a voice saying "Hey kid, get out of the water, hurry!"  After that, I was told to look up at the sky and the voices began giving instructions and classified information to me and told me what name my handler was working under. 

The voices were rapid, disembodied and mechanical sounding. Almost like something you'd expect from an early text-to-speech program. At the end of their conversation with me they told me to go tell my handler that I knew her 'real' name. Here's where it gets interesting...The male lifeguard she was talking to appeared to be pressing an ear piece. Once I walked up to them, he grabbed my arm and sort of flung me towards her and said "Go with Stephanie", which was not the name I'd been told.

In other cases with the voices I've had them give instructions on how to run away from home, leading me only to a place where I'd be returned again. 

I'd love to hear what others have to say on the subject so please do comment!

Evidence and Amnesia

This post is probably more thoughtful than helpful, I'm not sure. I'm thinking right now about my current situation and the longstanding wish that I've had to be able to pursue the cult legally. They have made it very difficult to do so. I was trained from a young age to behave in ways in the aftermath of being accessed that guaranteed that forensic evidence would disappear by the time I recovered memories. One case in point is from 2012 when my handler left a spray of wine on my ceiling and some of her hair in my bathroom. I was so focused on other problems that I didn't notice either of these pieces of evidence around and wouldn't have known what to do with them in the first place until I'd already recovered the memory of her being here. 

But, as I've recovered, I've done what I can to protect myself and others in terms of filing police reports. There is one event so bad from my early 30's I'm not sure what I might do about it. I was put in a bad situation where I was compromised along with a friend and some underage children I had never met. At the end of the ordeal, I had to be taken to the hospital to get my stomach pumped after handler #3, Mark Holsinger (former Homeland Security), poured motor oil down my throat through a blue oil change funnel. 

I was taken to Baylor Scott and White Hospital in Pflugerville/Round Rock Texas. The nurse indicated to me that their story was that I was attempting suicide, which wasn't true at all. They checked me in under the assumed name of Miles Ellis.  I don't know who paid the hospital bill but I assume there may be a record of my being there. Not sure and not sure how I would access it given that I had not transitioned or changed my name at the time the incident happened. How do you call medical records and tell them your name is legally changed but you want records on being admitted to the hospital under an assumed name? I don't know. 

I could just call and say "This was my legal name at the time, but they may have used another one". Obviously a fake name would've meant they paid cash out of pocket. Anything else would have left a record with the insurance company.That is, unless a good attorney could tell me that you can't go to the ER under a false name. You see, I don't have that training or knowledge.

This has been the story of my life post high school, however. When they want to access me, I'm usually shot with tranquilizer darts or given some type of drug through a drink under normal seeming circumstances by a friend or family member.  There are rarely warnings and the few times I've woken up in advance and run, Mark is usually there to V2K me with information that makes me turn around and take whatever punishment they intend to give. 

I wonder sometimes about the technology since it wasn't like they hadn't told me how they intended to keep me trapped. What I mean by that is that it's entirely possible that my experience of a voice in my head was simply an altar repeating what they had been told to say at the time they were triggered and programmed to do it. But I also can't say that it didn't feel weird and like it was coming from outside of me. The voice telling me to turn my car around and go back to their location. It's very surreal when this happens. Others would not understand it but it is so familiar to me since birth that it's hard not to follow orders. 

My current thoughts on this are about how difficult it makes it to contact law enforcement. There have been instances where I have called 911 yet the police and EMS appeared to be paid off or in on it. They would show up at my apartment and follow the cult orders and not do anything that resulted in me being able to file charges against anyone. 

I think the pressure on survivors to be the sole disclosers of truth is a pretty crap thing. What are your thoughts?

Time for Some Payback

I try not to be one of those people who is "tit for tat" but I've been driven to the point of needing to name names.  Since I started blogging and reaching out to other survivors this week here's what happened:

1. Sunday: Woman pulls in front of me and slams on her brakes at a green light. Later, when my roommate was driving, a metal chair flies out of a truck and damages my car. This was what they told me they would do if I started talking.

2. Today: My roommate is sitting outside. A grey SUV drives by slowly, turns around, drives by slowly again with a blonde middle aged woman sticking her hand out the car to give him the middle finger for no reason at all.

3. In general, people are constantly trying to access my online accounts.

Although I don't directly blame my handlers (they were nice enough to warn me so I know what's going on), I have a major issue with them not doing more to bring this program to a close. I'm at the point where I just could give a crap less. Therefore, in case any one else in the community might recognize their names and be interested in helping me sue them, their names are:  Oxana Popovich and Pam Bradley. There. Y'all have fun in ruthless bitch land. I know I am.

AC/DC and More, Always More

This post is more of a heartfelt diary than an account. I've had some encouragement in this area and I think now is the time to go for it. Maybe it will help others to hear how my mind works when I'm just talking to myself?

I've finally made contact with other survivors and gotten real validation. It feels good. It feels exciting. And then a program started running. This one I call "go blank". This happens to me a lot.
I feel an energy or a compulsion to create or write or something along those lines yet nothing seems to be the "right" thing to stick with for more than a few minutes. This usually goes on for about an hour or two until I've processed enough and engaged with the world enough to snap myself out of it and onto what's really bugging me.

Today, I think the electricity is bothering me although I haven't really been having flashbacks about it. Maybe it's more that it *had* bothered me so much in the past I wasn't ready to write about it. The reason I added "More, always more" to the title of this post is because there are always more fragments.

When it comes to the use of electricity in the program I really feel like that is one of the most horrifying aspects. I think by now I've been hit with the equivalent of at least 1 lightning bolt if I added up all the amps. It's depressing to think about but then sometimes ego kicks in and I think "I must be pretty tough". And I probably am. I had a high pain tolerance as a child. But even knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with in certain aspects. I know that damage has been done. One of the worst rounds of shock I went through that was to the head has left me with a permanent nervous tick that causes me to blink a lot. To make matters worse, I've often had people comment on my blinking in rude, negative ways while I was unable to tell them how I became this way - not that they would have believed me in the first place. How do you like them apples?  Well, I don't. If my handlers were here and I had a basket full I'd bean them both in the head.

What's probably bothering me the most today is the incident known as "The Garage". Oddly enough, I had a garage sale today....but yeah..the garage happened at 5 and is so graphic I don't think I should write about it because it would probably trigger others in a negative way. 

One thing I often ask myself during this process is "who do I need to tell? which pieces can I share with which people?"  Just because other survivors share a trauma history similar to mine doesn't mean they could stomach my details. Some probably can and some probably can't. I've never wanted to air things out just for sympathy or empathy. Not that I don't want some of both, I just don't want to fixate on the negative.

But I will say this, I think "the garage" is the master control event. If anyone had known or seen in law enforcement, these people would've gotten the death penalty or life in prison. It was that bad. It was also one of the first, most traumatic times I realized that my family planned on acting like it never happened. I remember vividly talking about it to my parents a day or two afterwards as we walked in the dark on a cool night. They told me that it was just a bad dream. I remember when they said that the stars I was looking at seemed to all dim and lose their brilliance. Even worse is knowing I escaped by the skin of my teeth from the cult doing it to me again as an adult. My transition is the one thing that stopped them. None of the pervs want to see my balls.

And that big picture view pisses me off even more. The nerve and lack of heart of these people. At times it makes me fantasize about how to get revenge and get away with it. Oddly enough, though, I then feel guilty and that is a big part of what saved me. My handlers told me if I could keep forgiving them just enough as I had been, then I would remember what they told me about how to escape. So, that's what I did. The catch, though, is that they still had to punish me for beating them. I'm in a point in transition where I should be extremely happy but almost every day has been marred by recovering the minutest of memory fragments. It's like Chinese water torture on steroids.

I guess there's only one thing to do...tune in to good music, turn on my creativity and drop out of this pressure to ruminate about the past!

Thoughts On Healing Left/Right Brain and Verbal/Non-Verbal Splits

For some reason today I've been thinking a lot about my youngest years, infancy to about 4 years old.
Many people say that they don't remember being a baby but I have a handful memories I'm certain are
from the ages of 2 to 3.

I'll share one and then roll it into the insight that it gave me. Around the age of 2 or 3, still in the crib,
I recall feeling some anxiety and couldn't really pinpoint the source. I remember very vividly in my mind
knowing that my parents were still up in the living room and that they would come for me if I cried or
screamed. On an emotional level I was debating with myself whether to call for them or just deal with
my anxiety until I fell asleep.

Well, screaming out for mom and dad won. My mouth opened and the cry echoed through the house in a way
that felt very detached from my body. I could hear the sound but couldn't believe it was coming out of
*me*. My father came in, picked me up, and sat me down with him and mom to watch football. I had never
seen a football game or football players before and thought that they were some type of robot.

I'm guessing now that I must have been 2 or 3 because I did have the language skills to know what
a robot was and say something about it to them. Still, the decision making process I went through
in my mind prior to deciding to call out to them seems, at least in memory, as if I possessed more
insight and knowledge within my senses than one would expect for that age. This is not to say I'm
'special' somehow, just that I'm thinking a lot about how people view children in terms of language
development alone while their internal reasoning states remain a mystery.

So, this is the insight that I had. In terms of splitting, and especially splitting in MK Ultra,
there are numerous reasons for creating left and right brain splits. I feel like what I experienced
is a good example of the reason why. My emotional and non-verbal reasoning were present on a more
developed level as a child. It was the learning of language (intentionally interfered with by the
program in a specific way) that helped create a barrier between perception, feeling and reality.

This makes sense when you think about the fact that people assign a lot of meaning and weight at
times to words, verbal logic, etc while devaluing the right brained emotional core. I more and more
believe that our *non-verbal* core is our source of insight and healing so long as we can reconnect
the left and right hemispheres in a way that allows for clearer expression of our experiences, moods,
beliefs, reactions..really anything that we want to open our mouths about.

This is especially true when working through amnesia. There have been times when my words to myself
and others about what I'm thinking and feeling *seem* accurate but aren't quite hitting the mark.
Yet, once trauma memories are recovered and the whole situation put into context, I'm finding that
my words are gaining a new power, clarity and accuracy. I KNOW what to say because I know what I
FEEL and also can hear what I'm THINKING about what I'm thinking and feeling. I can sit back and
watch the interplay between the two. I suppose this is similar to CBT and DBT modes of psychotherapy
except I'm practicing it on myself. Let's call it "the observing ego" with a brand new dictionary.

Can this way of working help other survivors? I believe that it can. I believe there is always
useful information present any time one is feeling out of sorts or at odds in terms of mood or
body sensations or both relative to how they *wish* they were feeling, what they wished they
were able to think about instead. If you get very quiet in this type of state you'll often
realize there are two currents: a feeling stream and a thought stream. When the two don't match
it's one of the main reasons for feeling overwhelmed, confused, moody, you name it.

I know it's easy to say with it and sometimes not so easy to do it. In that case, you may want
to try "moving with it" or finding a distraction. When I'm processing something nonverbally and
waiting for the right words to describe it, I usually listen to or play music, surf Facebook, play
with my dog, play with a fidget spinner, do housework, etc. It's important to be in the moment even
if you need a distraction. You could be, say, mopping the floor and think "I'm mopping but I'm still
aware of this uncomfortable feeling, but at least I am no longer sitting down and dwelling aimlessly
on it."  You may not get the insight you're looking for right away but if you keep moving and adding
variety to your day as you process things, it will get you there faster 99% of the time.

As always, though, some days are just crap. On those days, it's just as effective to do nothing
and ask yourself every hour or two "Do I want to continue vegging out or am I ok now?" Sometimes
we all need a little lazy holiday and some self care. Sometimes even a few hours of it will bring
back energy for the rest of the day. And when that doesn't happen? I've learned that there is
usually something phsyical going on, and that's normal, too. The only thing that can make it feel
better or worse are the thoughts I'm having about it.

Gangstalking

If you've never experienced gang-stalking, I'm envious! It is a tactic designed to drive the average person mad by there being a constant commentary on every aspect of self and lifestyle. Many people don't believe it happens or don't believe the usual explanation of HOW it happens (e.g., paid actors).


My experience so far tells me that it is the result of a mix of both intentionally planted individuals who know their job mixed with other TI's who are behaving just as robotically as I am.
I'll give you three examples that are difficult to explain away as mere coincidence. The worst of it usually happens when I'm shopping at the only game in town (Wal-Mart).


One day whilst going through the store I noticed my anxiety rising rapidly to the point of a panic attack. Other people around me had been getting into my personal space and/or staring and scowling as I walked through the store.
Right as I was about to bust I noticed a young man and woman quickly dart into the shoe section out of my sight. The next thing I heard was the man say, in a very flamboyant voice, "I'm having a flash baaaaack!!!"


In a separate incident, I had noticed my local oldies station playing Prince's "Raspberry Beret" a few days before. This is called priming a stimulus. I'm already trained to think of anal sex when I hear the lyric "She went in through the out door".
So what happens next? I'm going in through the in door at Wal-Mart when I recognize a past perpetrator going out through the in door. She turned and accused ME of going "in through the out door". I couldn't help myself that time. I turned and said something to her.


Third incident..I'd just woken up thinking about how my handler always said her method with me was to assault me anally (sorry, only word that's accurate) and then have someone else perform oral afterwards. She calls it "head butting". An hour or two after thinking about this, I'm back at Wal-Mart. A young woman and her mother stop alongside me as the young woman loudly complains about her "head ache". She says "I have a major HEAD ache, BUT(T) what can I do? I'm in Wal-Mart."


I wanted to turn around and tell her one thing she could do is not announce her issues within a 3 mile radius of total strangers, but figured she was totally innocent in what she was saying. That's one case where I think another TI was in place to trigger something we share in common.


The question that's always on my mind is....do people know my every movement or am I simply showing up at an exact place at an exact date and time that I was already programmed to years ago? I often feel it's the latter rather than the former. The reason is that it seems difficult to me to explain the tracking without going off the deep end.


I do have memories of people injecting me with syringes and chip guns and telling me they were putting a chip in my forearm. The problem is that I don't believe them. I feel like it's BS designed to make me paranoid about something that has a much simpler explanation. However, I'm also willing to be proven wrong. If it were as simple as an RFID chip, that would be a miracle. Take it out and no one knows where I am? Great!


But the other thing about targeting if you've been through a trauma based program is that your whole life has been planned for you in a one thing leads to another fashion from birth. It's like a race to get past them in developmental terms. If they are there influencing things like your 16th birthday, your high school graduation, where you go to college, your first job, etc, they pretty much have total control over your path.


For instance, at my first ever real job my manager was a woman who was forced to perpetrate against me in the past. We didn't recognize each other on the conscious level but the issue certainly played itself out on the subconscious level and I didn't last long at that job. This has been the case everywhere I've worked. One set of perps leads to another (and another job) whether the forgiveness is there or not.


All of this is hard on the survivor because the goal is total freedom, not to repeatedly swim in a pool of bad memories in every area of life. It gives the impression that the past has encircled you, is all around you and inescapable.


What the bulk of us really need is some power, money and respect but that's a whole separate topic! This is just a stream of consciousness post on this subject so I'll end here. Y'all stay safe!