I promise that I am going to present this at a metered a pace. Ok, here we go...
I've been thinking about my own defense mechanisms a lot as well as ways I feel wounded. It has often seemed to me that my struggles in life are due to other people damaging my trust and self confidence in such a way that I can't trust my own perceptions - or worse - if I do trust my perceptions and opinions then I cannot act on them. I have been rendered financially powerless and, sometimes emotionally and/or physically powerless. My handlers frequently spoke of a Kennedy family member who was being sexually abused while disabled in a wheelchair.
This type of suggestive catastrophizing played right in to the intimate violations of physical and emotional incest on every level: spiritual, emotional, psychological, political, economical. It was, in other words, a nuclear war within nuclear families.
Start listening to this song as you read the rest:
My experience of my handlers was that they wanted to claim my mother, a victim of multi generational abuse herself (as well as my father's side of the family), was somehow deficient and that they were the ones who were nurturing me in a situation where everything human was being raped from me.
They wanted to create an environment where family dynamics flipped on end. My handlers appeared more nurturing and maternal at times than my own mother - who was dealing with her abuse while watching mine. Yet she was the one who truly helped me combat the pressure of my handlers to become like they are. Whether they were abused or not (which they were), their anger was so unhealthy and intense that they were willing to try to turn children into abusers and pedophiles.
They seemed to be doing this experimentally and were fascinated by the fact that I sometimes healed some of the traumas by finding things to love about them. Again, we're getting into classic Stockholm syndrome here. It's like loving Dr. Mengele and thinking maybe he's changed his opinion on some things...which, he actually might, but only to try another experiment to determine whether he should have done it or not. Can we say: Classic intimacy issues? Seriously...but I digress.
I have seen this dynamic play out in my own romantic relationships and friendships but not at the same degree or perhaps I'm wrong about that. Actually there have been a few relationships between myself and other survivors that have been intentionally marred by the cult.
I guess what is interesting me right now is how healing it can be *eventually* - despite all the pain of lost love and forfeited success - to realize that some of the trauma was already discharged by reliving childhood with survivors instead of perpetrators. And the notion that my handlers intended this for me tells me that I am correct in assuming at least one of them had a change of heart. That somehow my own being broke through to another survivor who was acting against her own self interests and was so filled with self hatred she needed to borrow some of the love I'd stored up from my family, who she tried to tear down, but who always supported and loved me..when those witches weren't around.
Those are my thoughts on that, now I will share the lyrics and video link to the song that my handlers used to summarize this dynamic:
The Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love?
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you and that's worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame, what a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with
You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you and that's worse
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
Ever fallen in love, in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't have fallen in love with?
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