If there is one thing I think I could help others learn from my experience, it would be how to sort out memories that don't make sense. This still comes with a trigger warning, though. Maybe it's for the best for some people that they don't put certain fragments together. If you feel like you need to do that, though, read on...
One of the first things I remember about how my handler tried to manipulate my memory is that she had my family frequently make me switch rooms and rearrange furniture. We had a 4 bedroom house. My sister had moved out so it was just me, my brother and our parents. This meant there was one spare bedroom that I could be moved into and out of as needed. I believe this part of the program had to do with compartmentalization of memories based on visual-spatial cues.
A similar tactic had to do with moving the furniture around in the room. Sometimes the furniture would be moved for the abuse event then moved back while I was unconscious, ensuring I'd wake up with the room just the way it looked before something happened. Other times they'd let time pass and build up the trauma memories before switching the furniture.
I'm assuming all this was an attempt to create alters that identify a certain way with the environment.
At any rate, this went counter to their purposes but I'm guessing it may have been my handler's way of getting me to remember more than I should and getting away with it. I'm a creature of habit, so changes in my environment are very noticeable to me. This had the effect of creating an anchor point between clusters of memories. Each room was like a file with information in it and each transition was also like a file. Her tone with me varied between rooms so it was like she was talking out both sides of her mouth.
It was very much a computer program because all memory devices operated on "WHILE". While my bed is against that wall and my stereo is over on that other wall, X happens. While I was looking at that particular photo, or that stuffed animal very intentionally in one corner of the room, etc etc...while these conditions prevailed, memories were associated with them.
If you intend to break through your amnesia, it can be very helpful to call up these types of images. Your memories may come back to you as the smallest of fragments. For instance, you might keep seeing a particular piece of art that used to hang on the wall. You have to ask yourself: what happened while that was there? Was there ever a time something happened before, during or after I was looking at that concrete physical object? This speaks a lot to how esoteric triggers are created in the program. The average person may be afraid of snakes or planes but MK Ultra survivors are made to fear things like Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" or certain smells or lighting conditions.
Imagine you've spent your whole life agonizing over not knowing how to do an oil change on your car yet you've also possessed your father's "How to Be an Auto Mechanic" book the entire time and never followed your good intentions to read it? If you search your memory, you will usually find more memories about the first time you saw the book on the coffee table, the first time someone sexually assaulted or electrocuted you WHILE making you stare at that book and WHILE saying things like "You should be able to do this as your dad's kid but you never will. You are not allowed to save money by fixing your own car."
These types of attacks go into the part of our brain where memories would have been stored about common knowledge and sometimes academic knowledge. Most people learn a lot just from being immersed in their environment, similar to the way we learn language. When you are in MK Ultra, however, all of your environmental advantages are tampered with and taken from you. Unless you are chosen for a reason. you will never for example follow in the footsteps of a successful parent's career.
Finally, there's also some advanced tampering with environmental cues that I think can tell you a lot about WHO your perpetrators were connected to. I have a lot of memories of being assaulted in buildings that were still under construction as well as in places like malls (on Sunday) where you'd think it would be difficult to gain access. Even if you know you have CIA handlers, it doesn't mean they flashed a badge and got you in. More than likely they already had "buddies" who were real estate developers who could give them access to the property with no questions asked. Think about the kinds of places you remember being taken to outside of home and ask yourself: what is the simplest explanation for how this would've worked? Who would've had to be involved for them to get away with it?
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