I'm going to discuss the struggles that face us all when choosing doctors and therapists. The fact is that we do need them in order to battle our deterioration. Many providers, however, are compromised whether they realize it or not and many are D.I.D. whether they realize it or not. Does this have to block us, though? Do we have to give up? No. Whether we are conscious of our memories of interacting with these providers in the cult, there is still a way to get the most we can from being their clients.
My situation may be unusual or you may find it echoes your own experience, but I will tell you what I know about how things are set up. My handlers described it as "being in an HMO network from hell". What does this mean? Well, first off, it means that if my family's resources and choices are controlled and I am reliant on them, then my resources and choices are controlled as well. The handlers already sat down and thought about this and knew that the most logical and affordable choice in my dad's mind for group insurance within the business he owns would be Blue Cross Blue Shield of Texas.
Knowing this, they were able to go out and scout other Monarchs who were programmed to become doctors and therapists. Not just a handful but the dozens who would be good enough at their jobs to be the ones recommended based on my insurance. They went so deep with it that I would literally have to switch plans and networks to find someone uncompromised, and even then it might not matter. I don't know if you've ever had to scroll through a provider list and go "Ok, now I remember this one. He didn't seem to want to hurt me, but it's a weird memory. Also he's 60 miles away. This one that's closer and so convenient is the one who seemed like he didn't mind what he was doing to me at the time." And I'd keep searching. Fragment. Fragment. Fragment. Who in this network is good enough for me and was never a perp, involuntary or otherwise?"
Then I also had to ask myself: Does it matter if they don't remember? Well, in a way it does. There's not a one of them that hasn't shown me their alters.
Back when I was still amnesic I had a therapist and psychiatrist who were heavily connected to my early memories of the cult abuse. The female therapist I had in Austin had been forced to perpetrate against me under the influence of drugs when I was about 7 or 8. She was also forced *when she was actively my therapist* to bear witness to the cult accessing me. There is no denying that this dynamic affected the therapeutic relationship. She both helped and harmed depending on which part of me you asked. She helped me in the sense that I enjoyed talking to her. I liked her. She was witty and smart. She urged me to learn how to ground myself. She emphasized the value of asking questions and not just taking things for face value. But she also kept me in place through her own amnesia or unwillingness to speak of her experience of watching me get electrocuted and raped.
I believe I was around 25 at the time. They had forced her out of her home and had her waiting for me along with several other group members in my apartment. They made her stand on the other side of a wall while my handlers shocked me with a cattle prod. After hearing my screams for a few moments, I saw her racing to the door in tears saying "I can't handle this." My handlers said "What a piece of shit, huh. Now she's going to go on vacation for 2 weeks after this and leave you without a therapist and she's not going to remember any of it when she gets back."
Contrast this to my first few psychiatrists who sexually assaulted me as a teenager, then were forced to talk to me about how we'd interact when I came to them in my 20's. One of them seemed to imply that just because the relationship was tainted didn't mean that their expertise was wrong. The psychiatrist urged me to work with him regardless. He said he knew enough about pharmacology to manage the neurological aspects of the program and could keep me from going into a very dark place. If I were grading him today I would agree that he did just enough. As much as he pissed me off, I'd still have to say that he along with my therapist got me through some serious bull for the decade or so I worked with them. I believe my therapist was blocking things out while my psychiatrist knew more than he let on. But I have my moments of anger I'd like to express to both of them if ever given the chance. I would like to explain to them how much this whole situation just sucks and is beyond diabolical. But I sometimes wonder if they already know that. Maybe they would say "Josh we already know". Maybe they mirrored my parents in that way.
Here's the weird part. I didn't start to recover my memories about these two individuals until after I'd woken up and left Austin. So, they had managed me for about 13 years total while I lived there. The psychiatrist, who happened to also be a specialist in forensic psychiatry, was forced to bring who I assume was one of his children up to my current home during another cult access and evaluate my psyche based on whether I gave up and became a perp or did something else. I definitely did something else. It was a young boy they wanted me to abuse. I refused and reached over and twisted his neck so that he had whiplash that required medical attention. That act got me out of it. Thank God! But at the same time Jesus Christ! I know I was trained how to twist his neck so that I wouldn't kill him or severely injure him. And that says something. It says they couldn't stop the scenario from running, they could only program me and probably the kid, too, to make sure the outcome was different.
What kills me is that situations like that have been common in my life. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to recall that it has happened to me and then also realize that the other people being victimized around me feel like my responsibility while I'm helpless to do anything. See, my wake up and memory recovery started in Austin. I moved back home expecting to make good changes as a result, which I did. But at the same time, just as old amnesia walls were coming down, a few more were erected in 2011 and 2012. That's when the trauma with the young boy occurred.
After that happened, another alter took over to lead me to where I am now. I had to do a lot of sewing together of memories to get here. Oddly enough, that connects to another fragment. I can remember my old psychiatrist saying "If you say you had to do a lot of sewing of memories to get to get to where you are now, then you are a pedophile."
I had something else written but what you are about to see below is something else he talked about. I just spent the past 20 minutes trying to fix it to no avail. He talked about this blog. He tried to tie the perpetrator thing to HTML errors. Oh, if you get all these errors on your blog, it's because you're a pervert. Give me an actual friggin break, dude. I could have your license revoked in a heartbeat based on 1990 alone. Be glad that I kind of liked you. Oh wait, now that I wrote that, all the errors are gone and so is what I wrote, which is like telling me that my words were messed up on purpose to shut me up. What was so bad about what I had written? All I said is that what the group does is tie every waking moment of waking up from Marionette programming to their ultimate agenda. To use people's PTSD against them and convince them that they must themselves be willing perpetrators to feel any anxiety about memory recovery.
Moving forward, once I started looking for therapists in my new location I was not immediately aware of how things were set up until one particular psychologist I went to started to feel familiar to me. It didn't take more than a few sessions to realize she was someone who had sexually assaulted me somewhere around the age of 10 or younger. She didn't seem like someone who would've done it on purpose but since I couldn't bring it up in the first place, it didn't matter. I also didn't feel like she was helping me that much. I terminated after a few sessions and continued searching.
I started by consulting the provider directory provided by my insurance. As I scrolled through the list of highly rated people who were both close enough to me and specialized in what I needed, I was horrified to discover that I had memory fragments related to every single one of them. I tried and tried to beat that but I couldn't. I finally got to the point to where I had to say "I just don't care anymore. It's in the past". Fine. Let any old ass bandit take the wheel. Let's drive off the cliff together, what the fuck do I care, it looks like I'm dead either way.
So that's what I did. I went from one shrink to the next and recovered my memories about them, got what I could professionally from them, and then terminated. I did this up until I felt like I'd had a breakthrough and found a place that was totally new and unspoiled. Until I went there. Then I found out that it wasn't. Here was a new round of female perps. Yet, from what I could recall, they were just as much victims as I was, so that made it easier to just put it in the past to a degree. But it's still not perfect. I still can't leave a session with my current therapist without thinking about what we went through together and without noticing which of her alters came out during session. She says things that I knew she would say as a triggered response to what I bring up. It makes me questions what we're doing and makes me pay more attention to keeping quiet about what I know than focusing on myself.
And what I've written here so far is probably just the half of it or so. My new psychiatrist is someone I also recognize and he also is saying things that seem programmed from the past and I am supposed to sit around playing the good patient and medical dummy and keep my mouth shut, otherwise, I guess I can move on to being treated by yet another cult doctor. I don't blame him but I do blame the set up. If I ever get my story out there publicly in a way where there's evidence, I promise some heads are going to roll.
That said, and I'll write more about this later, if you need help just go to who you can stand to go to. This is about tolerance and not love when you are in survival mode. If they don't bring it up and don't act sketchy, then just act like a normal patient. Get what you need and get out.
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