I know this is going to be a long post, so please check back every few days since I will be writing it a piece at a time as I cover each type of therapy and how it was used on me. I won't be able to finish the entire subject in one sitting but it's too important not to get some of the information out there.
What got me to start the process that led me to where I am now? A 16 year old alter. This 16 year old alter was put under road hypnosis while being told in very clinical terms that the group wondered whether I could be "fixed" after going through what I went through. They told me how survivors tend to relive their traumas and that it was a "question" for them as to whether we hadn't been "traumatized enough". They described a modified form of prolonged exposure therapy (something the VA even uses with vets for PTSD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that would have me act out my past and my programming in a different way.
Sounds good on the surface but the experience looked to everyone else like a psychotic break. Once it started, I felt like I couldn't stop it. That's why I started seeking other modes of therapy. I really wanted to find someone who does DBT but they seemed few and far between. I went through a series of therapists and finally found one who seemed to at least understand trauma as well as co-occurring disorders like Asperger's. My nephew had attended group sessions at his office to help with his social skills. He seemed trustworthy and qualified enough.
The type of therapy he wanted to do with me was called TRT or Trauma Resolution Therapy. It involved choosing just one area at a time to work on - ie, one abuser at a time - which felt very hard to me since it all seemed intertwined and connected. I was asked to think about what I would call the top ten bad memories of one abuser, then write about them in as much detail as possible in a journal. After that, I was to read the entries to the therapist outloud and pay attention to any feelings or thoughts coming up. We'd discuss them, then he would do the next phase. Each memory had to be narrowed down to its key traumatizing parts and put into a grid that categorized what the experience said to me about myself, the abuser, other people, life, etc.
As we went along I found that the journaling was bringing back more than I could contain and making sobriety very difficult. The therapist's attitude about this was not helpful. He didn't understand why I expected not to feel pain. I said that wasn't it. it was just that this was so much and too much. I was already drinking and this was making it worse. He didn't get it.
I finally told him that I couldn't do it anymore, I needed a break. I was hoping it would stop the flood of details I'd opened up. It didn't. Instead, it was like it retrained my mind to recognize which fragments would open up whole new uncharted territories. Pardon my French here, but son of a bitch!
I'll elaborate on this tomorrow and also address other therapies they misused.
I may not have had that type of therapy, but I often went into major overwhelm from journaling.
ReplyDeleteKinda interesting to hear someone else say that.