*TW* Food Programming

I should probably put trigger warnings on all my posts. Please forgive me for just now getting with the program. If you have food issues, this post may or may not help you understand some of them. It depends on whether they used this same tactic on you. 

What I want to discuss today is how the handlers use food in screening memories. They like to add this component in to the relationship with your primary caretaker, usually mom. This goes along with all the other screening done with movies, television, books and music. 

A majority of my food programming had to do with the sexual assaults. They tried as hard as possible to create sexual euphemisms using everyday food. I'm going to use clinical terms here which might trigger some people but I think it's important to just be honest. Here are some examples:

• An anal assault occurred: The next day, I'd have a banana with peanut butter.
  
• A vaginal/oral assault occurred: I would have a tuna-fish sandwich or a bowl of
  clam chowder (clam chow there).
  
• My handler assaults me then has my mom tell me she wanted me to know that she knows she "got a little wild last night". So, we have "wild rice" with dinner.

It goes beyond even this, however. Many of these programmers are followers of vegetarianism and veganism. One of my handlers was especially anti-meat and constantly harangued me over my choice to continue eating it. She tied this to an early trauma where I was forced to eat something strange that she claimed was human flesh. Since people joke about people tasting like pork, she was very found of railing at me about "ham". She loved to tell me while assaulting me that she was doing me a favor by giving me a sense of guilt over "eating long pig."

Then, she turns it on me. As I go through life and decide to experiment with being more plant based, she programs that to the idea of "matching" her. She thinks she can turn me into a ped by going vegetarian *or* she knows that eating less meat probably would be good for me and is now preventing me from being comfortable with a new diet because she, the abuser, is the first person I ever met who followed that lifestyle. 

I remember when these triggers first started. I'd be shopping and I'd hear her narrating everything: "Oh are you EATING BABY KALE?  Is that As(s)-para-gee-us? You can buy some fruit OR some baked beans but not both at once, otherwise you are a pedophile."

It literally drove me insane and, actually, this is the first time I'm realizing that that part of the programming has died down. I was so glad for it to stop I didn't give it another thought until just now. I'm sure if she were sitting here she'd say "don't post about this or you're a cereal killer!"

I don't want to assign that sense of humor to her since it is all so awful; however, I guess the programming did keep me from spending too much at the store during a very critical time in my transition. 

Once I got past that I can see now that they used it on me again when I was living with another survivor. I had to fight the programming to tell him what had happened in our past, to tell him that as recently as a few years ago he had been at my house and been assaulted. The pressure was intense because they had programmed him to rip off all of *my* amnesia barriers. Again, a lot of this was done through food - the type of food products that he chose. 

He would bring home things like "Heart 2 Heart" cereal, as in "let's have a heart to heart, tell me what happened."  His host personality was not aware of this and I knew better than to tell him in the situation he was in. It would've been too much. But they had his alter programmed to punish me for that and bring various food items into the house that were triggering for me. They also had him virtually destroy my refrigerator by constantly buying the same things that we weren't yet out of and then shoving all of my food into the back to rot. 

It really pissed me off! 

Anyways, I think that's it for this topic. If anything resonates with you, let me know in the comments!