Once I 'graduated' from the Y (that sounds weird just saying it), things were up in the air for a while. My parents enrolled me in the public school up the street but I only lasted about 2 weeks there. They were big into corporal punishment and I decided I'd seen enough one day when our homeroom teacher threw this boy onto a table, ripped off his clothes and put him in a diaper as punishment for "acting like a baby" (we were kindergartners for god's sake!).
My parents found a private school they could afford but I had to wait 6 months due to my age. They had decided to just skip me up to the 1st grade instead of having me go through kindergarten. I know I had to take one or more aptitude tests to be admitted and my memories of that are where things get interesting.
I'm trying not to make this complicated but the woman who administered the test was the future headmaster. They presented her as if she already worked there, but she actually didn't come on board until my second year to replace the guy who ended up being an outside-of-school "consultant" type of handler. He held a doctorate in early childhood education and had been a professor at a university in east Texas.
Anyways, I'm still trying to recover my memories of the "test". It was supposedly an intelligence test but it was actually conducted as an "intelligence" test in C.I.A. terms. There were some normal seeming questions about shapes, letters, math, etc. But there were also a lot of questions that actually involved this woman divulging classified information to me and asking me how I would respond to it.
Before she did that, she took time to educate me on their meaning of the word "classified". She also explained how people can be emotionally manipulated into releasing classified information. She said in my case it would be related to being a part of "the rainbow" (the lgbtq community). I didn't know yet that there were words for those feelings so it kind of went over my head.
I can remember her giving me a sample scenario. She said something along the lines of: "Let's say you and I are married. Of course, because you're on the trans part of the rainbow, you'd have to become a man to marry someone like me, otherwise we'd have to be lesbians together, but I'm not on that part of the rainbow. Don't worry about that, let's just say somehow we're married and I work for the C.I.A. I come home in a really bad mood and you want to know what's wrong. I tell you 'It's classified'. Now, are my feelings really classified? They shouldn't be, but what if they are? What if I can't tell you how I'm feeling because to do so I would have to explain the situation - and I'm afraid no matter what I say about it, I'm going to leak something classified whether I mean to or not?"
Another fragment is coming in as I write this. I know I had this feeling of being visually led to stare at the office door and retrieve a flashback of something I had already been forced to block out prior to the test. That memory is telling me that I had met Oxana (the handler who had been the lifeguard at the Y) when I was there to register for school. We were standing on the other side of the headmaster's door. She said (I hope I'm not making this up?): "Welcome to St.John's, you're mine here." She showed me this legal sized envelope and said "I have this legal sized envelope full of information on you. I hope it grows here. I hope it fills binder after binder."
I think she also explained to me that she was acting as a researcher and that was her cover for also being a guard.
I remember that now but during the test it was operating differently in my mind. I realized that my future headmaster was talking to me about that particular handler and describing her issues. She seemed to be programming me to deal with her crankiness. But at the same time, she was also explaining how that whole process turns into Stockholm Syndrome. In a way it was like she was tapping into a part of me that was already classified....I think the part that could've played the whole memory out like a video camera if it were safe to do so. However, I had developed my own cover where I clung to ghost images, shapes and anything to do with my senses in order to, for lack of a better word, 'encrypt' the memory. I could know what something was about without having to dive into focusing on total recall.
Moving on to my first year there.....My first grade teacher resembled the woman who would become my other handler starting in 2nd grade. The first year was very strange. Everyone was rowdy. I'm not sure how we got away with it. Strange things would happen without anyone questioning it. For instance, we had to participate one day in a "hearing test" being conducted by "the NSA". Except our teacher called them "the national signaling agency", I believe. Despite meeting my future handlers, neither of them were working there at the time, but it was like their presence was being announced through these weird activities.
I'm trying not to ramble but there's so much to say about this situation. I may have to do a separate post about some of the memories. If I could sum up what happened next.... the first thing is that by second grade, Pam showed up as my homeroom teacher. By 4th or 5th grade, Oxana showed up as the computer science teacher. Once they were employed there, they had the ability to program us while we were at school.
Everyone around seemed to know what was going on..other kids (who were also trafficked), other teachers, parents, etc. The whole school was aware of the situation at the adult level and sometimes among some of the kids. But my perception a lot of the time was that I was the only one who was going through it. They used a lot of social conditioning to help with my memory. Sometimes if something had happened and I was blocking it out, a teacher or other student would trigger it to come up. A lot of times they did this in what felt like very cruel ways. They seemed to enjoy targeting me for shame and humiliation.
I hate saying that, though, because it turned out that I benefited from that and there were a lot of other ways they arranged things that I think helped me a lot psychologically. If they hadn't constantly reminded me that something was going on, I might have buried a lot of very crucial memories.
Well, I guess I've summarized enough. There are too many memories to address here in just one post, but I'll cover a few in a separate one so that people can see how the deeper levels were operating.
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