Turning it Around

Still dealing with emotional pain manifesting in my body today. I've been working several hours to contain it.  I have had the following thoughts..

1. What I'm telling myself about it contributes to how I feel.

2. What I'm really wanting is what I would imagine to be the pain relief of partially 'going back to sleep' without having to be traumatized to do it and without having to lose consciousness, because there's no way I'd ever want remembering to go like this again.

3. I need to imagine a happier future and start thinking about what it would look like for us isolated survivors to suddenly have the love of the whole world on our side.

There has to be a way to blend what I've recovered into a routine that is closer to the mindset of that version of me that is happier, healthier and more functional. My inner optimist is not a liar. My inner optimist is a survivor. But being an optimist is also why some things have hurt more. I know that I'm right to have hope, it's just that I never realized how easy a target that made me. They used hope to trigger me in the first place. They used it to get me to the point I needed to be at to avoid another assault. Now they're punishing me for beating them. 

And that was easy since they had used my fear alter, mixed with hope, to drive me through the past 7 years. And once I get that activated for that long, it is really hard to go back to my normal resting state, but I'm trying as hard as I can. 

I can see one reason this is so hard, though. I can see it just by starting at all the different buttons available when composing a blog post. I'm reminded of how I've used this platform before for entirely different reasons. I used to be self-employed as a writer and web designer.  I worked with people who owned Internet based businesses. Mostly I worked with affiliate marketers who needed me to write "how to" ebooks on starting home based businesses based on making commissions off of online products.

One of the guys I worked for had made himself millions at it. I always wanted to do the same thing but had so much difficulty doing it for myself. I could write about it easily but struggled to apply it for a lot of reasons. If I think back on that time from my 20's and 30's, I can certainly see why the repeated traumas I was forced to bury would have a negative impact on my attempts to achieve greater financial independence. 

Now I'm in a similar place for a variation on this reason: they're done accessing me physically and instead relying on the flood of memories to bring me down. I always ask why they've done it this way. They always said it's serious and better that you don't know, but then that very idea sets off the childhood programming where everything was of the utmost urgency and I had no clue who I really am.

And that's what's hard. It's hard to have a functioning self and also have parts that went through so much trauma and have continued to have to go through trauma, along with an activation program, and then be left to sit around going "Ok, I finally made it through everything they told me about 26 years ago. I transitioned and got the right surgeries done to prevent them from raping me again, so why am I not programmed to have a good life after that? Why not just say bye'?"

I feel like I'm the guy who got left behind after the battlefield skirmish who is waiting for the rescue helicopter to come back. I feel like a teenager tossed out on the street without so much as a how do you do. I feel like I'm becoming more elderly by the day yet have never 100% grown up or truly lived like a normal person. But I know that can't all be true. There's nothing wrong with happy me. A lot of people don't understand what it means to survive a criminal cartel. They scream at us to wake up and do something about it. That's what I used to scream at my family. They would have if they could have. I believe that.

But since it sounded like nothing could be done for a very long time, I don't think I had a choice. I don't think they gave me a choice. They gave me the illusion of a choice at one time, then covered that up, too. This is starting to sound a lot more clandestine and weird than I realized. I'm also seeing just how merciless it is, though I don't think I'll take the time to explain why now. It would take a bit and this is already a long post! All for now ****