1. Layer in commands during trauma programming.
2. Layer in other programming relationally through friends and family,
music, tv, etc.
3. Control perception of each handler's goals, intent and feelings about the subject. Good cop/bad cop. Over here, we're abusing you, but over here we're telling you we're getting you out of it.
4. Cluster alters or sets of triggers in a way that the response is flexible over time so that a conditioned response can be directed towards a different behavior and set of thoughts.
5. Continue to reinforce and prime various stimuli so that memory retrieval is stronger if the program is set to start later in life or in any sense "far away" in terms of time and/or amnesia relative to the core programming.
I'm going to try to simplify this by describing first my memories of the times I had more or less amnesia compared to now. The easiest way to do this is to assign a catch phrase to each step in the developmental process since so much of this is tied to learning theory.
Birth - 10: I know there's something going on. The memories are just below the surface but mostly in the sense of conditioned silence. If anyone asked I would have told them, as long as they asked me in the right way. Otherwise, I would either act totally ignorant because I truly was, or some part would sense the "no talk" rule and I self silenced out of fear.
11-15: Dealing with the ongoing abuse is becoming too much. I develop a hyper/comic persona alongside a lovesick, depressed part. I continue looking for someone to talk to and discover a new "handler" my own age. We meet at 14 and I begin to share secrets at her house. Her family is in contact with my handlers and they use them to relay information to me. Some programming and hypnosis sessions are done to prepare me for the next phase.
16-17: My peer handler and family take me on a series of road hypnosis sessions where I'm given an insane amount of information. My situation is fully explained to me for the first time in my life. Much of it confirms what I already knew. However, the parts that I didn't know about in terms of what was coming up for me in the future became their entryway into setting up the outcome of the activation.
I'm going to stop there and explain a bit more. Imagine you are going through this program from birth. From a developmental stand point, you've grown up in it and you do have some information stored in your own memories but you may not see the structure or understand who all of these people around you really are. Where did they come from? What is their goal? Why is my family involved? Why can't we get out of it?
These are the types of leading questions the handlers rely on. If your own family is in denial or sworn to silence and you are told that only outsiders can tell you the truth, you are put in a position of needing to evaluate everything from a position of learned helplessness. In my case, I wanted to hear that the abuse was going to end by the time I was out of high school. I wanted to hear that I was going to be free and have a good life.
Instead, what I heard was that the situation was grim and that I was not free but *could* be free by my 40's as long as I could trust my handlers just enough to help me method act my way out of the system. In handler speak, though, what that means is: "We are still putting you through a deterioration program. We are still doing what we always planned to do to activate you. The only difference now is we're tweaking just a few things to try to change the outcome."
So, based on the trust relationship I had with my best friend/peer age handler, she was used to help me summarize all of the memories I'd shared with her, all of the good memories she'd had of me, and all of the details of the deterioration program. She explained to me how to use the mnemonics and understand the "spelling". She helped me understand how to use my stronger, host self to interpret the tone and content of the instructions I was being given and figure out for myself how far I needed to go with any of it.
Why did it have to be this complex? Because to survive the process, I had to deteriorate. The whole point of how they were doing this, they told me, was to try to control the deterioration until it was safe for them to truly help. The very nature of going through the process required some level of back sliding in life. If I had not, for instance, ran off from my home and attempted to live on the streets for a month, I probably would not have been able to listen to one of my fear alters who knew what I needed to do to escape the abuse event that would've led to my death and the activation of lone wolf/mass shooter programming.
You see, I'm not the type of person to do that. Homelessness terrifies me, but if I had combated the urge to run I may never have recovered the information I needed.
In large part, that is because I've had to go through the process in silence. There was no professional help to counter that directive or get me to the answer any sooner. I had to force myself to face the cult created chronic fears (death of family, abandonment, joblessness) that had plagued me throughout my 20's and 30's in order to return home and begin working and saving towards the changes I needed to make to save my own life.
You see, the original program was designed to use guilt, shame, pressure, manipulation, disappointment, frustration, etc as a means of preventing me from completing my transition from female to male. By transitioning I am no longer open to sexual assault. The sexual assault was what they planned to use to create the "first ever transgender mass shooter" (and of course use that to further their own agenda of reversing our rights.).
So, you can see as I did that if I had remained on the streets under the guilt/shame pressure command of : "Your family doesn't even keep this from happening to you! If you don't tell them goodbye forever you will never have a job or a life and you'll be homeless anyways. Leave now to save your own life" then I would have lost. I would have eventually lost all hope of family support, I would have lost the last of my material resources, I would've lost my health. I could even have lost my life. And that was their original goal. Throw away your time and money so that you don't get to transition like you always wanted to. Leave yourself vulnerable to us.
It's easy to see how I could buy into that at first. I've always been too dependent as a part of the program. I always feared the loss of family and loss of support. I've only ever wanted to "man up" and say "I am done with this BS. No more." So, they get me to act it out. Yet, if I had continued to live on the street, I eventually would have been picked up and raped.
I'm still working towards finding a way to describe all this in a way others can easily understand but I think the best way to summarize it is to say that it's a confidence game similar to crying wolf. The manipulation/activation of the fear alter is all based on whether the abuse is over or not. If someone is triggered because they know the "threat" resembles abuse that did occur in the past, it is very difficult for that alter not to be protective and follow the order paired with that trigger. If they did it to me once, they probably aren't lying about doing it again. Or are they? It's total hell to have to go through that type of thought process. It's dis-empowering and infuriating but sometimes you have to think about it.
In my case, it was vital that I follow some of the fear triggers only to return humiliated and wishing I'd just blown them off like I'd been doing. If I hadn't done that I don't know that I would've been able to take down enough of the amnesic barriers to get to the information I needed. I am deeply grateful every day to God, Hayley and others for making sure that I survived this process and did not have to endure the last straw.
I think this is just the beginning of exploring this topic. Hopefully it will resonate with some people. If it's confusing at first, just meditate on it, reread if need be and realize that your system (if you think you might be like me) will have it's own keys, it's own set of activating events. My activation began at the age of 36 in a context that included a total failure to launch in terms of career and romantic success and unfinished grief over Hayley's death. Really, she was the key in the ignition of the program since she was the one who helped the most. My grief about her was activated by my roommate/former band mate who was not aware that we had both been trafficked together and were being played off each other (pairing two survivor's activation programs, like ping pong).
It has been a process ongoing since 2010, while the stimulus was primed from 16 onwards. If you can make sense of that on first reading, I salute you! It has taken me this long to put it into words.They basically pulled a Han Solo on me. I was frozen in time and awoken 26 years later. Everything that happened in between was just life in the wilderness.
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