If there is one thing I think I could help others learn from my experience, it would be how to sort out memories that don't make sense. This still comes with a trigger warning, though. Maybe it's for the best for some people that they don't put certain fragments together. If you feel like you need to do that, though, read on...
One of the first things I remember about how my handler tried to manipulate my memory is that she had my family frequently make me switch rooms and rearrange furniture. We had a 4 bedroom house. My sister had moved out so it was just me, my brother and our parents. This meant there was one spare bedroom that I could be moved into and out of as needed. I believe this part of the program had to do with compartmentalization of memories based on visual-spatial cues.
A similar tactic had to do with moving the furniture around in the room. Sometimes the furniture would be moved for the abuse event then moved back while I was unconscious, ensuring I'd wake up with the room just the way it looked before something happened. Other times they'd let time pass and build up the trauma memories before switching the furniture.
I'm assuming all this was an attempt to create alters that identify a certain way with the environment.
At any rate, this went counter to their purposes but I'm guessing it may have been my handler's way of getting me to remember more than I should and getting away with it. I'm a creature of habit, so changes in my environment are very noticeable to me. This had the effect of creating an anchor point between clusters of memories. Each room was like a file with information in it and each transition was also like a file. Her tone with me varied between rooms so it was like she was talking out both sides of her mouth.
It was very much a computer program because all memory devices operated on "WHILE". While my bed is against that wall and my stereo is over on that other wall, X happens. While I was looking at that particular photo, or that stuffed animal very intentionally in one corner of the room, etc etc...while these conditions prevailed, memories were associated with them.
If you intend to break through your amnesia, it can be very helpful to call up these types of images. Your memories may come back to you as the smallest of fragments. For instance, you might keep seeing a particular piece of art that used to hang on the wall. You have to ask yourself: what happened while that was there? Was there ever a time something happened before, during or after I was looking at that concrete physical object? This speaks a lot to how esoteric triggers are created in the program. The average person may be afraid of snakes or planes but MK Ultra survivors are made to fear things like Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" or certain smells or lighting conditions.
Imagine you've spent your whole life agonizing over not knowing how to do an oil change on your car yet you've also possessed your father's "How to Be an Auto Mechanic" book the entire time and never followed your good intentions to read it? If you search your memory, you will usually find more memories about the first time you saw the book on the coffee table, the first time someone sexually assaulted or electrocuted you WHILE making you stare at that book and WHILE saying things like "You should be able to do this as your dad's kid but you never will. You are not allowed to save money by fixing your own car."
These types of attacks go into the part of our brain where memories would have been stored about common knowledge and sometimes academic knowledge. Most people learn a lot just from being immersed in their environment, similar to the way we learn language. When you are in MK Ultra, however, all of your environmental advantages are tampered with and taken from you. Unless you are chosen for a reason. you will never for example follow in the footsteps of a successful parent's career.
Finally, there's also some advanced tampering with environmental cues that I think can tell you a lot about WHO your perpetrators were connected to. I have a lot of memories of being assaulted in buildings that were still under construction as well as in places like malls (on Sunday) where you'd think it would be difficult to gain access. Even if you know you have CIA handlers, it doesn't mean they flashed a badge and got you in. More than likely they already had "buddies" who were real estate developers who could give them access to the property with no questions asked. Think about the kinds of places you remember being taken to outside of home and ask yourself: what is the simplest explanation for how this would've worked? Who would've had to be involved for them to get away with it?
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Saturday, November 25, 2017
*TW* Food Programming
I should probably put trigger warnings on all my posts. Please forgive me for just now getting with the program. If you have food issues, this post may or may not help you understand some of them. It depends on whether they used this same tactic on you.
What I want to discuss today is how the handlers use food in screening memories. They like to add this component in to the relationship with your primary caretaker, usually mom. This goes along with all the other screening done with movies, television, books and music.
A majority of my food programming had to do with the sexual assaults. They tried as hard as possible to create sexual euphemisms using everyday food. I'm going to use clinical terms here which might trigger some people but I think it's important to just be honest. Here are some examples:
Then, she turns it on me. As I go through life and decide to experiment with being more plant based, she programs that to the idea of "matching" her. She thinks she can turn me into a ped by going vegetarian *or* she knows that eating less meat probably would be good for me and is now preventing me from being comfortable with a new diet because she, the abuser, is the first person I ever met who followed that lifestyle.
I remember when these triggers first started. I'd be shopping and I'd hear her narrating everything: "Oh are you EATING BABY KALE? Is that As(s)-para-gee-us? You can buy some fruit OR some baked beans but not both at once, otherwise you are a pedophile."
It literally drove me insane and, actually, this is the first time I'm realizing that that part of the programming has died down. I was so glad for it to stop I didn't give it another thought until just now. I'm sure if she were sitting here she'd say "don't post about this or you're a cereal killer!"
I don't want to assign that sense of humor to her since it is all so awful; however, I guess the programming did keep me from spending too much at the store during a very critical time in my transition.
Once I got past that I can see now that they used it on me again when I was living with another survivor. I had to fight the programming to tell him what had happened in our past, to tell him that as recently as a few years ago he had been at my house and been assaulted. The pressure was intense because they had programmed him to rip off all of *my* amnesia barriers. Again, a lot of this was done through food - the type of food products that he chose.
He would bring home things like "Heart 2 Heart" cereal, as in "let's have a heart to heart, tell me what happened." His host personality was not aware of this and I knew better than to tell him in the situation he was in. It would've been too much. But they had his alter programmed to punish me for that and bring various food items into the house that were triggering for me. They also had him virtually destroy my refrigerator by constantly buying the same things that we weren't yet out of and then shoving all of my food into the back to rot.
It really pissed me off!
Anyways, I think that's it for this topic. If anything resonates with you, let me know in the comments!
What I want to discuss today is how the handlers use food in screening memories. They like to add this component in to the relationship with your primary caretaker, usually mom. This goes along with all the other screening done with movies, television, books and music.
A majority of my food programming had to do with the sexual assaults. They tried as hard as possible to create sexual euphemisms using everyday food. I'm going to use clinical terms here which might trigger some people but I think it's important to just be honest. Here are some examples:
- An anal assault occurred: The next day, I'd have a banana with peanut butter.
- A vaginal/oral assault occurred: I would have a tuna-fish sandwich or a bowl of
clam chowder (clam chow there). - My handler assaults me then has my mom tell me she wanted me to know that she knows she "got a little wild last night". So, we have "wild rice" with dinner.
Then, she turns it on me. As I go through life and decide to experiment with being more plant based, she programs that to the idea of "matching" her. She thinks she can turn me into a ped by going vegetarian *or* she knows that eating less meat probably would be good for me and is now preventing me from being comfortable with a new diet because she, the abuser, is the first person I ever met who followed that lifestyle.
I remember when these triggers first started. I'd be shopping and I'd hear her narrating everything: "Oh are you EATING BABY KALE? Is that As(s)-para-gee-us? You can buy some fruit OR some baked beans but not both at once, otherwise you are a pedophile."
It literally drove me insane and, actually, this is the first time I'm realizing that that part of the programming has died down. I was so glad for it to stop I didn't give it another thought until just now. I'm sure if she were sitting here she'd say "don't post about this or you're a cereal killer!"
I don't want to assign that sense of humor to her since it is all so awful; however, I guess the programming did keep me from spending too much at the store during a very critical time in my transition.
Once I got past that I can see now that they used it on me again when I was living with another survivor. I had to fight the programming to tell him what had happened in our past, to tell him that as recently as a few years ago he had been at my house and been assaulted. The pressure was intense because they had programmed him to rip off all of *my* amnesia barriers. Again, a lot of this was done through food - the type of food products that he chose.
He would bring home things like "Heart 2 Heart" cereal, as in "let's have a heart to heart, tell me what happened." His host personality was not aware of this and I knew better than to tell him in the situation he was in. It would've been too much. But they had his alter programmed to punish me for that and bring various food items into the house that were triggering for me. They also had him virtually destroy my refrigerator by constantly buying the same things that we weren't yet out of and then shoving all of my food into the back to rot.
It really pissed me off!
Anyways, I think that's it for this topic. If anything resonates with you, let me know in the comments!
Sunday, November 19, 2017
In-School Programming
Some memories of note regarding how programs and handling operated at my elementary school......
All of our teachers seemed privy to insider information about the future of technology and its impact on society and work. They tended to over-complicate basic math and science curriculum with lectures about how important it was for all of us to master these skills, even if we weren't going into a technical profession. They were right about that but very heavy-handed about it and not helpful to kids like me who just needed them to keep it simple, not pair it with apocalyptic visions of being too stupid to use an ATM machine properly.
I could be imagining this but I also think I remember our P.E./Science teacher giving us an entire lesson on skepticism one time. He spent the whole period talking to us about people who believe in things like aliens and cryptids and how he wanted us all to learn to debunk these things with science. He said it was our Christian duty to deprogram others from believing in these things.
On various occasions we were given hemispheric specialization tests under the guise of 'fun personality quizzes'. These types of tests were presented as "breaks" from whatever subject we were studying. None of us minded because it usually felt in some of our classes that we were getting crammed with college level amounts of information. By just the second grade they were forcing us to learn the taxonomy of everything in nature and didn't care that none of us spoke Latin. We were just to memorize the words even if they were gibberish in the hopes that we'd recognize the origins when we did take Latin.
These types of things were typical of the environment and although it seemed out of the ordinary to me I was encouraged to explain it away as "just a fancy school experimenting with alternative lesson plans."
The more blatant programming, for me, happened during 5th grade computer science with the handler from the Y. Whenever she was programming us as a group she would start by giving us all a drink and a snack. Looking back on this, she had to have put drugs in our drinks for her to be able to get away with what she was saying and have none of us interrupt her. I can remember hearing her describe the deterioration programs of at least 7 people (including me) in class. I can also remember her using the term "T.I.", targeted individual, and about some of us being "in the cross-hairs" of a group of Nazis.
Then, there were the private sessions that she did with some of us. She started out holding us after class for 5 to 10 minutes and then increased the time a bit by getting the class moved to the end of the day so that she could work with us during carpool instead of making us late to other teacher's classes.
These private sessions had a lot to do with controlling alters. I can remember her explaining the concept of "spinning" to me. She described future traumas and what type of spinning they would cause as well as what I needed to do to stop it. She seemed to be putting trigger words in front of me and testing me for the reaction. If I seemed to get confused or panic, she would say "Control-Alt-Delete. Go to the home screen." We were actually working on all this on a computer with some type of program she'd set up for it.
She also had set up something she called "learning your script." This was very strange since the "script" was a lot of CIA word play gibberish. I recovered what I think is most of the script several years ago and wrote it down on an app in an old cell phone. I can't recall all of it right now and I can't turn that phone back on, but I do remember this part:
'My name is an E.T. phoneme. Phone me.
Call me, Marsy Device."
Marsy Device was an elide for "Marcy Davis", which wasn't her name at all, but the name of the mother of another survivor who lived in my handler's home state. As my life played out, however, this pairing made no sense. I knew I had met Marcy but I never had the ability to call her nor could I call my handler. All of my interactions with other survivors or members of "the network" were timed and controlled by my handlers and would set upon me without any warning. Bam! Here's Marcy! Bam! Here's Marcy's kid. I had no say in any of it. I was merely being "exposed" to a lot of people and information and, it seems, asked to remember all of it.
That "job", if you want to call it that, is something I feel like I was programmed for inside and outside of school. School, however, gave her a lot more leeway on certain things she wanted to do. No one batted an eye if she wanted to work one on one or with a small select group of us. I can still remember her pulling me aside one day and asking me to help her find "the key to Pandora's Box". She had been asking me a lot about keys at that time and for some reason the only thing I could think to do is figure out where to steal some. So, I stole keys out of an abandoned car at the mall as well as a whole pile that were set aside at school as something for us to play with.
I feel bad about that now and don't know why I was doing it. But in my situation I learned to swallow remorse and guilt for helping the criminals around me do what they claimed they needed to do to help me. If I'm being generous to myself, I'd say it's like Don Johnson on Miami Vice being forced to smuggle cocaine in order to save his own life. I had to do a lot of things that were wrong and pretend that it wasn't me. Once I realized that procuring all these keys for her wasn't changing anything I decided that she was just trying to turn me into a thief or shoplifter.
I stopped doing her dirty work at school and started paying more attention to who she was outside the classroom. Learning to recognize those two personas as the same person was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. It would be a while until I made that connection, though. She disappeared my 6th grade year, and the other computer science teacher said "She got divorced and had a heart attack." So, I thought this handler was dead. It wasn't until I had moved on to Junior High/High School that I realized she and the other one were still alive and well and tracking me.
All of our teachers seemed privy to insider information about the future of technology and its impact on society and work. They tended to over-complicate basic math and science curriculum with lectures about how important it was for all of us to master these skills, even if we weren't going into a technical profession. They were right about that but very heavy-handed about it and not helpful to kids like me who just needed them to keep it simple, not pair it with apocalyptic visions of being too stupid to use an ATM machine properly.
I could be imagining this but I also think I remember our P.E./Science teacher giving us an entire lesson on skepticism one time. He spent the whole period talking to us about people who believe in things like aliens and cryptids and how he wanted us all to learn to debunk these things with science. He said it was our Christian duty to deprogram others from believing in these things.
On various occasions we were given hemispheric specialization tests under the guise of 'fun personality quizzes'. These types of tests were presented as "breaks" from whatever subject we were studying. None of us minded because it usually felt in some of our classes that we were getting crammed with college level amounts of information. By just the second grade they were forcing us to learn the taxonomy of everything in nature and didn't care that none of us spoke Latin. We were just to memorize the words even if they were gibberish in the hopes that we'd recognize the origins when we did take Latin.
These types of things were typical of the environment and although it seemed out of the ordinary to me I was encouraged to explain it away as "just a fancy school experimenting with alternative lesson plans."
The more blatant programming, for me, happened during 5th grade computer science with the handler from the Y. Whenever she was programming us as a group she would start by giving us all a drink and a snack. Looking back on this, she had to have put drugs in our drinks for her to be able to get away with what she was saying and have none of us interrupt her. I can remember hearing her describe the deterioration programs of at least 7 people (including me) in class. I can also remember her using the term "T.I.", targeted individual, and about some of us being "in the cross-hairs" of a group of Nazis.
Then, there were the private sessions that she did with some of us. She started out holding us after class for 5 to 10 minutes and then increased the time a bit by getting the class moved to the end of the day so that she could work with us during carpool instead of making us late to other teacher's classes.
These private sessions had a lot to do with controlling alters. I can remember her explaining the concept of "spinning" to me. She described future traumas and what type of spinning they would cause as well as what I needed to do to stop it. She seemed to be putting trigger words in front of me and testing me for the reaction. If I seemed to get confused or panic, she would say "Control-Alt-Delete. Go to the home screen." We were actually working on all this on a computer with some type of program she'd set up for it.
She also had set up something she called "learning your script." This was very strange since the "script" was a lot of CIA word play gibberish. I recovered what I think is most of the script several years ago and wrote it down on an app in an old cell phone. I can't recall all of it right now and I can't turn that phone back on, but I do remember this part:
'My name is an E.T. phoneme. Phone me.
Call me, Marsy Device."
Marsy Device was an elide for "Marcy Davis", which wasn't her name at all, but the name of the mother of another survivor who lived in my handler's home state. As my life played out, however, this pairing made no sense. I knew I had met Marcy but I never had the ability to call her nor could I call my handler. All of my interactions with other survivors or members of "the network" were timed and controlled by my handlers and would set upon me without any warning. Bam! Here's Marcy! Bam! Here's Marcy's kid. I had no say in any of it. I was merely being "exposed" to a lot of people and information and, it seems, asked to remember all of it.
That "job", if you want to call it that, is something I feel like I was programmed for inside and outside of school. School, however, gave her a lot more leeway on certain things she wanted to do. No one batted an eye if she wanted to work one on one or with a small select group of us. I can still remember her pulling me aside one day and asking me to help her find "the key to Pandora's Box". She had been asking me a lot about keys at that time and for some reason the only thing I could think to do is figure out where to steal some. So, I stole keys out of an abandoned car at the mall as well as a whole pile that were set aside at school as something for us to play with.
I feel bad about that now and don't know why I was doing it. But in my situation I learned to swallow remorse and guilt for helping the criminals around me do what they claimed they needed to do to help me. If I'm being generous to myself, I'd say it's like Don Johnson on Miami Vice being forced to smuggle cocaine in order to save his own life. I had to do a lot of things that were wrong and pretend that it wasn't me. Once I realized that procuring all these keys for her wasn't changing anything I decided that she was just trying to turn me into a thief or shoplifter.
I stopped doing her dirty work at school and started paying more attention to who she was outside the classroom. Learning to recognize those two personas as the same person was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. It would be a while until I made that connection, though. She disappeared my 6th grade year, and the other computer science teacher said "She got divorced and had a heart attack." So, I thought this handler was dead. It wasn't until I had moved on to Junior High/High School that I realized she and the other one were still alive and well and tracking me.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Cult Schools II: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Once I 'graduated' from the Y (that sounds weird just saying it), things were up in the air for a while. My parents enrolled me in the public school up the street but I only lasted about 2 weeks there. They were big into corporal punishment and I decided I'd seen enough one day when our homeroom teacher threw this boy onto a table, ripped off his clothes and put him in a diaper as punishment for "acting like a baby" (we were kindergartners for god's sake!).
My parents found a private school they could afford but I had to wait 6 months due to my age. They had decided to just skip me up to the 1st grade instead of having me go through kindergarten. I know I had to take one or more aptitude tests to be admitted and my memories of that are where things get interesting.
I'm trying not to make this complicated but the woman who administered the test was the future headmaster. They presented her as if she already worked there, but she actually didn't come on board until my second year to replace the guy who ended up being an outside-of-school "consultant" type of handler. He held a doctorate in early childhood education and had been a professor at a university in east Texas.
Anyways, I'm still trying to recover my memories of the "test". It was supposedly an intelligence test but it was actually conducted as an "intelligence" test in C.I.A. terms. There were some normal seeming questions about shapes, letters, math, etc. But there were also a lot of questions that actually involved this woman divulging classified information to me and asking me how I would respond to it.
Before she did that, she took time to educate me on their meaning of the word "classified". She also explained how people can be emotionally manipulated into releasing classified information. She said in my case it would be related to being a part of "the rainbow" (the lgbtq community). I didn't know yet that there were words for those feelings so it kind of went over my head.
I can remember her giving me a sample scenario. She said something along the lines of: "Let's say you and I are married. Of course, because you're on the trans part of the rainbow, you'd have to become a man to marry someone like me, otherwise we'd have to be lesbians together, but I'm not on that part of the rainbow. Don't worry about that, let's just say somehow we're married and I work for the C.I.A. I come home in a really bad mood and you want to know what's wrong. I tell you 'It's classified'. Now, are my feelings really classified? They shouldn't be, but what if they are? What if I can't tell you how I'm feeling because to do so I would have to explain the situation - and I'm afraid no matter what I say about it, I'm going to leak something classified whether I mean to or not?"
Another fragment is coming in as I write this. I know I had this feeling of being visually led to stare at the office door and retrieve a flashback of something I had already been forced to block out prior to the test. That memory is telling me that I had met Oxana (the handler who had been the lifeguard at the Y) when I was there to register for school. We were standing on the other side of the headmaster's door. She said (I hope I'm not making this up?): "Welcome to St.John's, you're mine here." She showed me this legal sized envelope and said "I have this legal sized envelope full of information on you. I hope it grows here. I hope it fills binder after binder."
I think she also explained to me that she was acting as a researcher and that was her cover for also being a guard.
I remember that now but during the test it was operating differently in my mind. I realized that my future headmaster was talking to me about that particular handler and describing her issues. She seemed to be programming me to deal with her crankiness. But at the same time, she was also explaining how that whole process turns into Stockholm Syndrome. In a way it was like she was tapping into a part of me that was already classified....I think the part that could've played the whole memory out like a video camera if it were safe to do so. However, I had developed my own cover where I clung to ghost images, shapes and anything to do with my senses in order to, for lack of a better word, 'encrypt' the memory. I could know what something was about without having to dive into focusing on total recall.
Moving on to my first year there.....My first grade teacher resembled the woman who would become my other handler starting in 2nd grade. The first year was very strange. Everyone was rowdy. I'm not sure how we got away with it. Strange things would happen without anyone questioning it. For instance, we had to participate one day in a "hearing test" being conducted by "the NSA". Except our teacher called them "the national signaling agency", I believe. Despite meeting my future handlers, neither of them were working there at the time, but it was like their presence was being announced through these weird activities.
I'm trying not to ramble but there's so much to say about this situation. I may have to do a separate post about some of the memories. If I could sum up what happened next.... the first thing is that by second grade, Pam showed up as my homeroom teacher. By 4th or 5th grade, Oxana showed up as the computer science teacher. Once they were employed there, they had the ability to program us while we were at school.
Everyone around seemed to know what was going on..other kids (who were also trafficked), other teachers, parents, etc. The whole school was aware of the situation at the adult level and sometimes among some of the kids. But my perception a lot of the time was that I was the only one who was going through it. They used a lot of social conditioning to help with my memory. Sometimes if something had happened and I was blocking it out, a teacher or other student would trigger it to come up. A lot of times they did this in what felt like very cruel ways. They seemed to enjoy targeting me for shame and humiliation.
I hate saying that, though, because it turned out that I benefited from that and there were a lot of other ways they arranged things that I think helped me a lot psychologically. If they hadn't constantly reminded me that something was going on, I might have buried a lot of very crucial memories.
Well, I guess I've summarized enough. There are too many memories to address here in just one post, but I'll cover a few in a separate one so that people can see how the deeper levels were operating.
My parents found a private school they could afford but I had to wait 6 months due to my age. They had decided to just skip me up to the 1st grade instead of having me go through kindergarten. I know I had to take one or more aptitude tests to be admitted and my memories of that are where things get interesting.
I'm trying not to make this complicated but the woman who administered the test was the future headmaster. They presented her as if she already worked there, but she actually didn't come on board until my second year to replace the guy who ended up being an outside-of-school "consultant" type of handler. He held a doctorate in early childhood education and had been a professor at a university in east Texas.
Anyways, I'm still trying to recover my memories of the "test". It was supposedly an intelligence test but it was actually conducted as an "intelligence" test in C.I.A. terms. There were some normal seeming questions about shapes, letters, math, etc. But there were also a lot of questions that actually involved this woman divulging classified information to me and asking me how I would respond to it.
Before she did that, she took time to educate me on their meaning of the word "classified". She also explained how people can be emotionally manipulated into releasing classified information. She said in my case it would be related to being a part of "the rainbow" (the lgbtq community). I didn't know yet that there were words for those feelings so it kind of went over my head.
I can remember her giving me a sample scenario. She said something along the lines of: "Let's say you and I are married. Of course, because you're on the trans part of the rainbow, you'd have to become a man to marry someone like me, otherwise we'd have to be lesbians together, but I'm not on that part of the rainbow. Don't worry about that, let's just say somehow we're married and I work for the C.I.A. I come home in a really bad mood and you want to know what's wrong. I tell you 'It's classified'. Now, are my feelings really classified? They shouldn't be, but what if they are? What if I can't tell you how I'm feeling because to do so I would have to explain the situation - and I'm afraid no matter what I say about it, I'm going to leak something classified whether I mean to or not?"
Another fragment is coming in as I write this. I know I had this feeling of being visually led to stare at the office door and retrieve a flashback of something I had already been forced to block out prior to the test. That memory is telling me that I had met Oxana (the handler who had been the lifeguard at the Y) when I was there to register for school. We were standing on the other side of the headmaster's door. She said (I hope I'm not making this up?): "Welcome to St.John's, you're mine here." She showed me this legal sized envelope and said "I have this legal sized envelope full of information on you. I hope it grows here. I hope it fills binder after binder."
I think she also explained to me that she was acting as a researcher and that was her cover for also being a guard.
I remember that now but during the test it was operating differently in my mind. I realized that my future headmaster was talking to me about that particular handler and describing her issues. She seemed to be programming me to deal with her crankiness. But at the same time, she was also explaining how that whole process turns into Stockholm Syndrome. In a way it was like she was tapping into a part of me that was already classified....I think the part that could've played the whole memory out like a video camera if it were safe to do so. However, I had developed my own cover where I clung to ghost images, shapes and anything to do with my senses in order to, for lack of a better word, 'encrypt' the memory. I could know what something was about without having to dive into focusing on total recall.
Moving on to my first year there.....My first grade teacher resembled the woman who would become my other handler starting in 2nd grade. The first year was very strange. Everyone was rowdy. I'm not sure how we got away with it. Strange things would happen without anyone questioning it. For instance, we had to participate one day in a "hearing test" being conducted by "the NSA". Except our teacher called them "the national signaling agency", I believe. Despite meeting my future handlers, neither of them were working there at the time, but it was like their presence was being announced through these weird activities.
I'm trying not to ramble but there's so much to say about this situation. I may have to do a separate post about some of the memories. If I could sum up what happened next.... the first thing is that by second grade, Pam showed up as my homeroom teacher. By 4th or 5th grade, Oxana showed up as the computer science teacher. Once they were employed there, they had the ability to program us while we were at school.
Everyone around seemed to know what was going on..other kids (who were also trafficked), other teachers, parents, etc. The whole school was aware of the situation at the adult level and sometimes among some of the kids. But my perception a lot of the time was that I was the only one who was going through it. They used a lot of social conditioning to help with my memory. Sometimes if something had happened and I was blocking it out, a teacher or other student would trigger it to come up. A lot of times they did this in what felt like very cruel ways. They seemed to enjoy targeting me for shame and humiliation.
I hate saying that, though, because it turned out that I benefited from that and there were a lot of other ways they arranged things that I think helped me a lot psychologically. If they hadn't constantly reminded me that something was going on, I might have buried a lot of very crucial memories.
Well, I guess I've summarized enough. There are too many memories to address here in just one post, but I'll cover a few in a separate one so that people can see how the deeper levels were operating.
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Cult Controlled Schools: Part I
I have a feeling this will be the first of more than a few posts on this subject. I always thought the situation that played out at the schools I went to was unique to my situation. Turns out, it's not! I've heard other survivors and also researchers discuss this phenomenon. I might ramble a little bit in this post as I collect my memories in a stream-of-consciousness way, so forgive me in advance.
My first experience of being handled in an education environment goes all the way back to pre-k/kindergarten. For some reason my family didn't put me in a traditional school for that. Instead, they sent me to a program run by the YWCA just a mile or so from our house. This is also where I took swimming lessons (more on that in a bit).
At the time, one of my handlers was working there as a life guard at the pool while my homeroom teacher appeared to be a programmer, probably taking orders from that handler. I liked my homeroom teacher. She always treated me well. Most of our lessons were what you'd expect for that age except for one specific homework lesson we received which had to do with programming. I wish I had a copy of it because it's hard to explain what they were doing. I remember a long list of "math" problems that were entirely visual. We had to "add, subtract, multiply, divide" geometric shapes. We also had word problems that focused on antonyms involving the elements (fire and ice, etc).
On off days, the "lifeguard" handler would come to the house and train me to view the alphabet and English language phonemes as having the double meanings that she assigned. I guess you could say there was a lot of programming going on with language, both qualitative and visual.
We also had programming going on regarding the cartoons we watched at home. I can still remember my mom telling me that my handler watched all the same ones I did and knew a lot about them. Then she said that she knew that I could tell what was fantasy but there was another kid who couldn't and that I would see him trying to act out being able to fly the next day. Sure enough, this kid got up on a jungle gym during recess and tried to "fly" over to some monkey bars. He didn't make it. Instead, he ended up whacking his mouth on the metal bar and knocked a couple of teeth out.
I wish I could find the journal where I first wrote about this because right now I can't remember a lot of details. What I do know is that I ran inside to find a teacher to help this kid out. I found the P.E. teacher and she stood with me, looking out the door, and told me there was someone else who had to handle the situation. In that private moment, she also said that she didn't approve of the situation. She pointed to her whistle and said "Just because I've got a whistle around my neck doesn't mean I can be a whistleblower. I'd like to, but I can't."
The rest of the memory is fragmented again. It's been at least a year since I recovered it. All I know is that I was pushed through a door into the gym and made to feel like I was somehow bad or wrong for being the one to try to help this other kid. That I was viewed as a potential whistleblower for having compassion.
Also, due to the swim program and the long operating hours of the Y, it was easy for them to abuse me in secret and at odd hours. I have memories of that handler half drowning me in the pool when no one was around. I also have memories of being assaulted by her in the locker-room, then picked up by one of the mafia handlers afterwards when it was dark out.
I may fill this out a bit more if I can find that journal again soon but this is what I remember from the Y. In the next post, I'll describe what happened through elementary school, where the connection between being handled both at school and at home became more pronounced.
My first experience of being handled in an education environment goes all the way back to pre-k/kindergarten. For some reason my family didn't put me in a traditional school for that. Instead, they sent me to a program run by the YWCA just a mile or so from our house. This is also where I took swimming lessons (more on that in a bit).
At the time, one of my handlers was working there as a life guard at the pool while my homeroom teacher appeared to be a programmer, probably taking orders from that handler. I liked my homeroom teacher. She always treated me well. Most of our lessons were what you'd expect for that age except for one specific homework lesson we received which had to do with programming. I wish I had a copy of it because it's hard to explain what they were doing. I remember a long list of "math" problems that were entirely visual. We had to "add, subtract, multiply, divide" geometric shapes. We also had word problems that focused on antonyms involving the elements (fire and ice, etc).
On off days, the "lifeguard" handler would come to the house and train me to view the alphabet and English language phonemes as having the double meanings that she assigned. I guess you could say there was a lot of programming going on with language, both qualitative and visual.
We also had programming going on regarding the cartoons we watched at home. I can still remember my mom telling me that my handler watched all the same ones I did and knew a lot about them. Then she said that she knew that I could tell what was fantasy but there was another kid who couldn't and that I would see him trying to act out being able to fly the next day. Sure enough, this kid got up on a jungle gym during recess and tried to "fly" over to some monkey bars. He didn't make it. Instead, he ended up whacking his mouth on the metal bar and knocked a couple of teeth out.
I wish I could find the journal where I first wrote about this because right now I can't remember a lot of details. What I do know is that I ran inside to find a teacher to help this kid out. I found the P.E. teacher and she stood with me, looking out the door, and told me there was someone else who had to handle the situation. In that private moment, she also said that she didn't approve of the situation. She pointed to her whistle and said "Just because I've got a whistle around my neck doesn't mean I can be a whistleblower. I'd like to, but I can't."
The rest of the memory is fragmented again. It's been at least a year since I recovered it. All I know is that I was pushed through a door into the gym and made to feel like I was somehow bad or wrong for being the one to try to help this other kid. That I was viewed as a potential whistleblower for having compassion.
Also, due to the swim program and the long operating hours of the Y, it was easy for them to abuse me in secret and at odd hours. I have memories of that handler half drowning me in the pool when no one was around. I also have memories of being assaulted by her in the locker-room, then picked up by one of the mafia handlers afterwards when it was dark out.
I may fill this out a bit more if I can find that journal again soon but this is what I remember from the Y. In the next post, I'll describe what happened through elementary school, where the connection between being handled both at school and at home became more pronounced.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Targeting of Pets
This subject of pet targeting came up recently in conversation as a suggested post. This is a difficult subject most of the time because there are so many natural hazards in the outdoor environment it would be difficult to say whether a pet was targeted on purpose. People who don't clean up after themselves leave out things like anti-freeze and other toxic substances. There are toxic plants a pet might eat. There are predators in some locations such as wolves and large birds that could carry a pet away.
Those types of unfortunate deaths are about statistics and likelihood. Just as with people, if you live in a high crime neighborhood, you have a greater chance of being the victim of gang violence. If the targeting is there, it's there in the indirect sense of being forced down into poverty and a certain set of living conditions where negative things are more likely to occur. I'd say in most cases the only way to gain any evidence of an intentional targeting would be for your veterinarian to assess the situation. If it's poisoning, your vet might find something uncommon, something your pet wouldn't naturally consume. If your pet is struck by a vehicle, the most you'll probably ever be able to determine is that the person either wasn't aware they'd hit something (perhaps driving under the influence) or they simply didn't care or they couldn't handle the confrontation and the possibility of being responsible for any bills.
In most cases, a majority of these incidents are the outcome of someone's dissociation and/or lack of following common safety rules. That makes the targeting impossible to prove unless the perpetrators come out and share how they did it. They do this same thing with people. They program people to drive when fatigued or dissociated, they program people to make autonomic mistakes when handling things like saws or industrial equipment. You may know in your heart that an industrial accident that maimed you was intentional but you'll never be able to prove it. More than likely it will be the case that you were triggered to have an off day and a colleague was programmed to want to distract you with small talk, causing you to briefly forget the safety rules. In effect, they make it "your fault" even though they are the ones who caused your dissociation in the first place.
You can suspect this is the case when you replay the incident over and over thinking "I knew better than that. I never did that in the past." If you are always diligent and one day act out of character and suffer as a result, I would suspect some type of program was running to encourage the accident.
Now, there are obviously the more overt forms of targeting. I can remember as a child when one of the family pets returned to our home with a bullet hole in his neck. That one was obvious especially in the sense that my family typically never allowed this dog to roam the neighborhood unattended. Several years later, he died after we returned home from a long car trip and, fatigued and inattentive, we didn't realize he'd been left in the hot car until it was too late.
In a later incident with another dog, I was put on drugs and forced to shoot an arrow at my border collie. I truly believed I had killed him but was told later that it was staged and one of my handlers had taken the dog for himself. My family, however, spun the perfectly plausible explanation that a farmer across the way had shot him dead for trying to herd his cattle.
As far as more esoteric forms of targeting, I don't believe any of us have the resources to identify it. I remember reading a story about the Bush family in relation to this. George Snr., Barbara and their family pet all came down with Grave's disease within a few months of each other. They knew this was highly unusual and hired someone to test the water at their home, the Whitehouse and a few other locations. They were unable to find any evidence to explain how all three of them came down with the same condition almost at once.
Some would ask "What about EMF targeting?". While certainly possible, what would you do to stop it after ruling out all other possibilities? Certainly you wouldn't want to cover your pets in tinfoil. I think the most any of us can do is love them the best we can while we have them and leave the rest up to God.
Those types of unfortunate deaths are about statistics and likelihood. Just as with people, if you live in a high crime neighborhood, you have a greater chance of being the victim of gang violence. If the targeting is there, it's there in the indirect sense of being forced down into poverty and a certain set of living conditions where negative things are more likely to occur. I'd say in most cases the only way to gain any evidence of an intentional targeting would be for your veterinarian to assess the situation. If it's poisoning, your vet might find something uncommon, something your pet wouldn't naturally consume. If your pet is struck by a vehicle, the most you'll probably ever be able to determine is that the person either wasn't aware they'd hit something (perhaps driving under the influence) or they simply didn't care or they couldn't handle the confrontation and the possibility of being responsible for any bills.
In most cases, a majority of these incidents are the outcome of someone's dissociation and/or lack of following common safety rules. That makes the targeting impossible to prove unless the perpetrators come out and share how they did it. They do this same thing with people. They program people to drive when fatigued or dissociated, they program people to make autonomic mistakes when handling things like saws or industrial equipment. You may know in your heart that an industrial accident that maimed you was intentional but you'll never be able to prove it. More than likely it will be the case that you were triggered to have an off day and a colleague was programmed to want to distract you with small talk, causing you to briefly forget the safety rules. In effect, they make it "your fault" even though they are the ones who caused your dissociation in the first place.
You can suspect this is the case when you replay the incident over and over thinking "I knew better than that. I never did that in the past." If you are always diligent and one day act out of character and suffer as a result, I would suspect some type of program was running to encourage the accident.
Now, there are obviously the more overt forms of targeting. I can remember as a child when one of the family pets returned to our home with a bullet hole in his neck. That one was obvious especially in the sense that my family typically never allowed this dog to roam the neighborhood unattended. Several years later, he died after we returned home from a long car trip and, fatigued and inattentive, we didn't realize he'd been left in the hot car until it was too late.
In a later incident with another dog, I was put on drugs and forced to shoot an arrow at my border collie. I truly believed I had killed him but was told later that it was staged and one of my handlers had taken the dog for himself. My family, however, spun the perfectly plausible explanation that a farmer across the way had shot him dead for trying to herd his cattle.
As far as more esoteric forms of targeting, I don't believe any of us have the resources to identify it. I remember reading a story about the Bush family in relation to this. George Snr., Barbara and their family pet all came down with Grave's disease within a few months of each other. They knew this was highly unusual and hired someone to test the water at their home, the Whitehouse and a few other locations. They were unable to find any evidence to explain how all three of them came down with the same condition almost at once.
Some would ask "What about EMF targeting?". While certainly possible, what would you do to stop it after ruling out all other possibilities? Certainly you wouldn't want to cover your pets in tinfoil. I think the most any of us can do is love them the best we can while we have them and leave the rest up to God.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Targeted Car Crashes
Today I want to discuss one of the cruel tactics the CIA uses against targeted individuals: car crashes. Based on what I can remember, I was told that they would be using this tactic against me quite frequently, as well as my friends (many of whom are survivors who aren't aware of the extent of their situations).
These intentional wrecks appear to be achieved by Marionette programming. It is rare that they send someone who is conscious of what they're doing. Instead, the CIA maps out the other T.I.'s they know live in your neighborhood. At some point in each of your lives you will have been separately programmed to go out at the same date and time. You might be on the way to an appointment while the other person is on the way to the store. One or the both of you may be driving while dissociative or angry or intoxicated or sleepy, etc. It will be the mix between the two of you that causes the accident.
The timing, location and impact of the crash are all precisely controlled. They've managed to achieve this by using what's known as The Law of Large Numbers along with a limitless supply of information from insurance adjusters and actuaries. I imagine the planning starts with a conversation similar to this:
CIA Agent: Hey, Bob, what if I needed to send someone a message with a little accident? Let's say I don't want to hurt them real bad, maybe some whiplash or a concussion, or maybe barely a scratch? The ultimate goal is to do some financial damage, though.
Bob: Oh yeah, we learned a lot from the fraudsters. Basically you'll want to keep the impact below 50 mph unless you're really trying to hurt or kill someone. Make sure it's really low speed if it's on a rainy or icy day. These days you can completely total a person's car from the insurance companies' perspective if there's axle damage. A good way to achieve that is by aiming for the wheel and sidelamps with a taller vehicle like a truck.
Etc, etc...All they have to do is program you into the conditions. A favorite one they like to use is getting you or the other person to not notice you still have your turn signal on. This is one reason it's always safer to wait for oncoming traffic to turn, rather than assuming it's a positive turn signal, otherwise they will keep going straight and t-bone your car when you pull out.
I bring this subject up today because it's important and because I'm worried for all of my friends out there. I've had a part come back and tell me not to go on the 400 mile trip I had planned for a friend's 40th birthday. "You don't want to be another one of Barbara Bush's crash test dummies", the voice said. Meanwhile, two close friends have recently posted to Facebook about getting into car accidents this week. One of them was put in the hospital from it and may have had a stroke. I could feel all of this coming because I can recognize people's alters signaling to me. The friend who got put into the hospital had recently posted a new profile picture with all of the elements described to me when my handlers were informing me that she was about to get into a wreck. This alerted me to the fact I'm probably still targeted for another one. Bush wants to completely disable me in terms of transportation and, I'm sure, would love to see me be upside down on one car loan while also having to pay on a new one.
To sum up, it's safer for us T.I.'s to avoid unnecessary trips and avoid driving when we feel we can't put 100% of our attention on the road and other drivers around us. If you have a lengthy commute to work each day, do your best to drive with caution, avoid road rage and avoid speeding and weird maneuvers in your effort not to be late to work. Y'all be careful out there and drive safe!
These intentional wrecks appear to be achieved by Marionette programming. It is rare that they send someone who is conscious of what they're doing. Instead, the CIA maps out the other T.I.'s they know live in your neighborhood. At some point in each of your lives you will have been separately programmed to go out at the same date and time. You might be on the way to an appointment while the other person is on the way to the store. One or the both of you may be driving while dissociative or angry or intoxicated or sleepy, etc. It will be the mix between the two of you that causes the accident.
The timing, location and impact of the crash are all precisely controlled. They've managed to achieve this by using what's known as The Law of Large Numbers along with a limitless supply of information from insurance adjusters and actuaries. I imagine the planning starts with a conversation similar to this:
CIA Agent: Hey, Bob, what if I needed to send someone a message with a little accident? Let's say I don't want to hurt them real bad, maybe some whiplash or a concussion, or maybe barely a scratch? The ultimate goal is to do some financial damage, though.
Bob: Oh yeah, we learned a lot from the fraudsters. Basically you'll want to keep the impact below 50 mph unless you're really trying to hurt or kill someone. Make sure it's really low speed if it's on a rainy or icy day. These days you can completely total a person's car from the insurance companies' perspective if there's axle damage. A good way to achieve that is by aiming for the wheel and sidelamps with a taller vehicle like a truck.
Etc, etc...All they have to do is program you into the conditions. A favorite one they like to use is getting you or the other person to not notice you still have your turn signal on. This is one reason it's always safer to wait for oncoming traffic to turn, rather than assuming it's a positive turn signal, otherwise they will keep going straight and t-bone your car when you pull out.
I bring this subject up today because it's important and because I'm worried for all of my friends out there. I've had a part come back and tell me not to go on the 400 mile trip I had planned for a friend's 40th birthday. "You don't want to be another one of Barbara Bush's crash test dummies", the voice said. Meanwhile, two close friends have recently posted to Facebook about getting into car accidents this week. One of them was put in the hospital from it and may have had a stroke. I could feel all of this coming because I can recognize people's alters signaling to me. The friend who got put into the hospital had recently posted a new profile picture with all of the elements described to me when my handlers were informing me that she was about to get into a wreck. This alerted me to the fact I'm probably still targeted for another one. Bush wants to completely disable me in terms of transportation and, I'm sure, would love to see me be upside down on one car loan while also having to pay on a new one.
To sum up, it's safer for us T.I.'s to avoid unnecessary trips and avoid driving when we feel we can't put 100% of our attention on the road and other drivers around us. If you have a lengthy commute to work each day, do your best to drive with caution, avoid road rage and avoid speeding and weird maneuvers in your effort not to be late to work. Y'all be careful out there and drive safe!
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