More On Pyschotronics

The previous post got me thinking about my experience with voices. I believe I can tell the difference between my own internal ones and ones that are generated from the outside. I could be wrong, though, since the most dramatic experiences I had of what sounds like V2K technology occurred during the 1980's. It may be different now.

Although my handlers admitted the technology exists they also claimed they weren't using it on me. That they were instead inducing partial complex seizures via electroshock - the seizure supposedly happening hours or days later - and that this caused what was whispered to me in my sleep or in post hypnotic states to fire off audibly in my mind.

I'd like to describe what the voices actually sounded like and what they said. Perhaps others who have had this experience can tell me if it sounds familiar.

The first time I recall it happening I was around 5 or 6. I was swimming at the Y, where one of my handlers worked. I was under water when I heard what sounded like church bells and a voice saying "Hey kid, get out of the water, hurry!"  After that, I was told to look up at the sky and the voices began giving instructions and classified information to me and told me what name my handler was working under. 

The voices were rapid, disembodied and mechanical sounding. Almost like something you'd expect from an early text-to-speech program. At the end of their conversation with me they told me to go tell my handler that I knew her 'real' name. Here's where it gets interesting...The male lifeguard she was talking to appeared to be pressing an ear piece. Once I walked up to them, he grabbed my arm and sort of flung me towards her and said "Go with Stephanie", which was not the name I'd been told.

In other cases with the voices I've had them give instructions on how to run away from home, leading me only to a place where I'd be returned again. 

I'd love to hear what others have to say on the subject so please do comment!

Evidence and Amnesia

This post is probably more thoughtful than helpful, I'm not sure. I'm thinking right now about my current situation and the longstanding wish that I've had to be able to pursue the cult legally. They have made it very difficult to do so. I was trained from a young age to behave in ways in the aftermath of being accessed that guaranteed that forensic evidence would disappear by the time I recovered memories. One case in point is from 2012 when my handler left a spray of wine on my ceiling and some of her hair in my bathroom. I was so focused on other problems that I didn't notice either of these pieces of evidence around and wouldn't have known what to do with them in the first place until I'd already recovered the memory of her being here. 

But, as I've recovered, I've done what I can to protect myself and others in terms of filing police reports. There is one event so bad from my early 30's I'm not sure what I might do about it. I was put in a bad situation where I was compromised along with a friend and some underage children I had never met. At the end of the ordeal, I had to be taken to the hospital to get my stomach pumped after handler #3, Mark Holsinger (former Homeland Security), poured motor oil down my throat through a blue oil change funnel. 

I was taken to Baylor Scott and White Hospital in Pflugerville/Round Rock Texas. The nurse indicated to me that their story was that I was attempting suicide, which wasn't true at all. They checked me in under the assumed name of Miles Ellis.  I don't know who paid the hospital bill but I assume there may be a record of my being there. Not sure and not sure how I would access it given that I had not transitioned or changed my name at the time the incident happened. How do you call medical records and tell them your name is legally changed but you want records on being admitted to the hospital under an assumed name? I don't know. 

I could just call and say "This was my legal name at the time, but they may have used another one". Obviously a fake name would've meant they paid cash out of pocket. Anything else would have left a record with the insurance company.That is, unless a good attorney could tell me that you can't go to the ER under a false name. You see, I don't have that training or knowledge.

This has been the story of my life post high school, however. When they want to access me, I'm usually shot with tranquilizer darts or given some type of drug through a drink under normal seeming circumstances by a friend or family member.  There are rarely warnings and the few times I've woken up in advance and run, Mark is usually there to V2K me with information that makes me turn around and take whatever punishment they intend to give. 

I wonder sometimes about the technology since it wasn't like they hadn't told me how they intended to keep me trapped. What I mean by that is that it's entirely possible that my experience of a voice in my head was simply an altar repeating what they had been told to say at the time they were triggered and programmed to do it. But I also can't say that it didn't feel weird and like it was coming from outside of me. The voice telling me to turn my car around and go back to their location. It's very surreal when this happens. Others would not understand it but it is so familiar to me since birth that it's hard not to follow orders. 

My current thoughts on this are about how difficult it makes it to contact law enforcement. There have been instances where I have called 911 yet the police and EMS appeared to be paid off or in on it. They would show up at my apartment and follow the cult orders and not do anything that resulted in me being able to file charges against anyone. 

I think the pressure on survivors to be the sole disclosers of truth is a pretty crap thing. What are your thoughts?

Time for Some Payback

I try not to be one of those people who is "tit for tat" but I've been driven to the point of needing to name names.  Since I started blogging and reaching out to other survivors this week here's what happened:

1. Sunday: Woman pulls in front of me and slams on her brakes at a green light. Later, when my roommate was driving, a metal chair flies out of a truck and damages my car. This was what they told me they would do if I started talking.

2. Today: My roommate is sitting outside. A grey SUV drives by slowly, turns around, drives by slowly again with a blonde middle aged woman sticking her hand out the car to give him the middle finger for no reason at all.

3. In general, people are constantly trying to access my online accounts.

Although I don't directly blame my handlers (they were nice enough to warn me so I know what's going on), I have a major issue with them not doing more to bring this program to a close. I'm at the point where I just could give a crap less. Therefore, in case any one else in the community might recognize their names and be interested in helping me sue them, their names are:  Oxana Popovich and Pam Bradley. There. Y'all have fun in ruthless bitch land. I know I am.

AC/DC and More, Always More

This post is more of a heartfelt diary than an account. I've had some encouragement in this area and I think now is the time to go for it. Maybe it will help others to hear how my mind works when I'm just talking to myself?

I've finally made contact with other survivors and gotten real validation. It feels good. It feels exciting. And then a program started running. This one I call "go blank". This happens to me a lot.
I feel an energy or a compulsion to create or write or something along those lines yet nothing seems to be the "right" thing to stick with for more than a few minutes. This usually goes on for about an hour or two until I've processed enough and engaged with the world enough to snap myself out of it and onto what's really bugging me.

Today, I think the electricity is bothering me although I haven't really been having flashbacks about it. Maybe it's more that it *had* bothered me so much in the past I wasn't ready to write about it. The reason I added "More, always more" to the title of this post is because there are always more fragments.

When it comes to the use of electricity in the program I really feel like that is one of the most horrifying aspects. I think by now I've been hit with the equivalent of at least 1 lightning bolt if I added up all the amps. It's depressing to think about but then sometimes ego kicks in and I think "I must be pretty tough". And I probably am. I had a high pain tolerance as a child. But even knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with in certain aspects. I know that damage has been done. One of the worst rounds of shock I went through that was to the head has left me with a permanent nervous tick that causes me to blink a lot. To make matters worse, I've often had people comment on my blinking in rude, negative ways while I was unable to tell them how I became this way - not that they would have believed me in the first place. How do you like them apples?  Well, I don't. If my handlers were here and I had a basket full I'd bean them both in the head.

What's probably bothering me the most today is the incident known as "The Garage". Oddly enough, I had a garage sale today....but yeah..the garage happened at 5 and is so graphic I don't think I should write about it because it would probably trigger others in a negative way. 

One thing I often ask myself during this process is "who do I need to tell? which pieces can I share with which people?"  Just because other survivors share a trauma history similar to mine doesn't mean they could stomach my details. Some probably can and some probably can't. I've never wanted to air things out just for sympathy or empathy. Not that I don't want some of both, I just don't want to fixate on the negative.

But I will say this, I think "the garage" is the master control event. If anyone had known or seen in law enforcement, these people would've gotten the death penalty or life in prison. It was that bad. It was also one of the first, most traumatic times I realized that my family planned on acting like it never happened. I remember vividly talking about it to my parents a day or two afterwards as we walked in the dark on a cool night. They told me that it was just a bad dream. I remember when they said that the stars I was looking at seemed to all dim and lose their brilliance. Even worse is knowing I escaped by the skin of my teeth from the cult doing it to me again as an adult. My transition is the one thing that stopped them. None of the pervs want to see my balls.

And that big picture view pisses me off even more. The nerve and lack of heart of these people. At times it makes me fantasize about how to get revenge and get away with it. Oddly enough, though, I then feel guilty and that is a big part of what saved me. My handlers told me if I could keep forgiving them just enough as I had been, then I would remember what they told me about how to escape. So, that's what I did. The catch, though, is that they still had to punish me for beating them. I'm in a point in transition where I should be extremely happy but almost every day has been marred by recovering the minutest of memory fragments. It's like Chinese water torture on steroids.

I guess there's only one thing to do...tune in to good music, turn on my creativity and drop out of this pressure to ruminate about the past!

Thoughts On Healing Left/Right Brain and Verbal/Non-Verbal Splits

For some reason today I've been thinking a lot about my youngest years, infancy to about 4 years old.
Many people say that they don't remember being a baby but I have a handful memories I'm certain are
from the ages of 2 to 3.

I'll share one and then roll it into the insight that it gave me. Around the age of 2 or 3, still in the crib,
I recall feeling some anxiety and couldn't really pinpoint the source. I remember very vividly in my mind
knowing that my parents were still up in the living room and that they would come for me if I cried or
screamed. On an emotional level I was debating with myself whether to call for them or just deal with
my anxiety until I fell asleep.

Well, screaming out for mom and dad won. My mouth opened and the cry echoed through the house in a way
that felt very detached from my body. I could hear the sound but couldn't believe it was coming out of
*me*. My father came in, picked me up, and sat me down with him and mom to watch football. I had never
seen a football game or football players before and thought that they were some type of robot.

I'm guessing now that I must have been 2 or 3 because I did have the language skills to know what
a robot was and say something about it to them. Still, the decision making process I went through
in my mind prior to deciding to call out to them seems, at least in memory, as if I possessed more
insight and knowledge within my senses than one would expect for that age. This is not to say I'm
'special' somehow, just that I'm thinking a lot about how people view children in terms of language
development alone while their internal reasoning states remain a mystery.

So, this is the insight that I had. In terms of splitting, and especially splitting in MK Ultra,
there are numerous reasons for creating left and right brain splits. I feel like what I experienced
is a good example of the reason why. My emotional and non-verbal reasoning were present on a more
developed level as a child. It was the learning of language (intentionally interfered with by the
program in a specific way) that helped create a barrier between perception, feeling and reality.

This makes sense when you think about the fact that people assign a lot of meaning and weight at
times to words, verbal logic, etc while devaluing the right brained emotional core. I more and more
believe that our *non-verbal* core is our source of insight and healing so long as we can reconnect
the left and right hemispheres in a way that allows for clearer expression of our experiences, moods,
beliefs, reactions..really anything that we want to open our mouths about.

This is especially true when working through amnesia. There have been times when my words to myself
and others about what I'm thinking and feeling *seem* accurate but aren't quite hitting the mark.
Yet, once trauma memories are recovered and the whole situation put into context, I'm finding that
my words are gaining a new power, clarity and accuracy. I KNOW what to say because I know what I
FEEL and also can hear what I'm THINKING about what I'm thinking and feeling. I can sit back and
watch the interplay between the two. I suppose this is similar to CBT and DBT modes of psychotherapy
except I'm practicing it on myself. Let's call it "the observing ego" with a brand new dictionary.

Can this way of working help other survivors? I believe that it can. I believe there is always
useful information present any time one is feeling out of sorts or at odds in terms of mood or
body sensations or both relative to how they *wish* they were feeling, what they wished they
were able to think about instead. If you get very quiet in this type of state you'll often
realize there are two currents: a feeling stream and a thought stream. When the two don't match
it's one of the main reasons for feeling overwhelmed, confused, moody, you name it.

I know it's easy to say with it and sometimes not so easy to do it. In that case, you may want
to try "moving with it" or finding a distraction. When I'm processing something nonverbally and
waiting for the right words to describe it, I usually listen to or play music, surf Facebook, play
with my dog, play with a fidget spinner, do housework, etc. It's important to be in the moment even
if you need a distraction. You could be, say, mopping the floor and think "I'm mopping but I'm still
aware of this uncomfortable feeling, but at least I am no longer sitting down and dwelling aimlessly
on it."  You may not get the insight you're looking for right away but if you keep moving and adding
variety to your day as you process things, it will get you there faster 99% of the time.

As always, though, some days are just crap. On those days, it's just as effective to do nothing
and ask yourself every hour or two "Do I want to continue vegging out or am I ok now?" Sometimes
we all need a little lazy holiday and some self care. Sometimes even a few hours of it will bring
back energy for the rest of the day. And when that doesn't happen? I've learned that there is
usually something phsyical going on, and that's normal, too. The only thing that can make it feel
better or worse are the thoughts I'm having about it.

Gangstalking

If you've never experienced gang-stalking, I'm envious! It is a tactic designed to drive the average person mad by there being a constant commentary on every aspect of self and lifestyle. Many people don't believe it happens or don't believe the usual explanation of HOW it happens (e.g., paid actors).


My experience so far tells me that it is the result of a mix of both intentionally planted individuals who know their job mixed with other TI's who are behaving just as robotically as I am.
I'll give you three examples that are difficult to explain away as mere coincidence. The worst of it usually happens when I'm shopping at the only game in town (Wal-Mart).


One day whilst going through the store I noticed my anxiety rising rapidly to the point of a panic attack. Other people around me had been getting into my personal space and/or staring and scowling as I walked through the store.
Right as I was about to bust I noticed a young man and woman quickly dart into the shoe section out of my sight. The next thing I heard was the man say, in a very flamboyant voice, "I'm having a flash baaaaack!!!"


In a separate incident, I had noticed my local oldies station playing Prince's "Raspberry Beret" a few days before. This is called priming a stimulus. I'm already trained to think of anal sex when I hear the lyric "She went in through the out door".
So what happens next? I'm going in through the in door at Wal-Mart when I recognize a past perpetrator going out through the in door. She turned and accused ME of going "in through the out door". I couldn't help myself that time. I turned and said something to her.


Third incident..I'd just woken up thinking about how my handler always said her method with me was to assault me anally (sorry, only word that's accurate) and then have someone else perform oral afterwards. She calls it "head butting". An hour or two after thinking about this, I'm back at Wal-Mart. A young woman and her mother stop alongside me as the young woman loudly complains about her "head ache". She says "I have a major HEAD ache, BUT(T) what can I do? I'm in Wal-Mart."


I wanted to turn around and tell her one thing she could do is not announce her issues within a 3 mile radius of total strangers, but figured she was totally innocent in what she was saying. That's one case where I think another TI was in place to trigger something we share in common.


The question that's always on my mind is....do people know my every movement or am I simply showing up at an exact place at an exact date and time that I was already programmed to years ago? I often feel it's the latter rather than the former. The reason is that it seems difficult to me to explain the tracking without going off the deep end.


I do have memories of people injecting me with syringes and chip guns and telling me they were putting a chip in my forearm. The problem is that I don't believe them. I feel like it's BS designed to make me paranoid about something that has a much simpler explanation. However, I'm also willing to be proven wrong. If it were as simple as an RFID chip, that would be a miracle. Take it out and no one knows where I am? Great!


But the other thing about targeting if you've been through a trauma based program is that your whole life has been planned for you in a one thing leads to another fashion from birth. It's like a race to get past them in developmental terms. If they are there influencing things like your 16th birthday, your high school graduation, where you go to college, your first job, etc, they pretty much have total control over your path.


For instance, at my first ever real job my manager was a woman who was forced to perpetrate against me in the past. We didn't recognize each other on the conscious level but the issue certainly played itself out on the subconscious level and I didn't last long at that job. This has been the case everywhere I've worked. One set of perps leads to another (and another job) whether the forgiveness is there or not.


All of this is hard on the survivor because the goal is total freedom, not to repeatedly swim in a pool of bad memories in every area of life. It gives the impression that the past has encircled you, is all around you and inescapable.


What the bulk of us really need is some power, money and respect but that's a whole separate topic! This is just a stream of consciousness post on this subject so I'll end here. Y'all stay safe!

How Prescription and Street Drugs Are Used in Programming

I'm going to do an interview soon on this topic and thought I'd collect some thoughts here first. I've made the font larger on this page so I hope it helps those who, like me, are getting a bit blind as we age, lol.

In general, I tend to put my drug experiences into categories. In other words, the handlers don't always use the same substances the same way. It really depends on the goal.

If the goal is for you not to remember where they took you, you probably will be given a sedative. If the goal is to confuse your memory, you will get a mix of uppers and downers so that you are both awake and impressionable at the same time. This also ties into base programming.

When it comes to the pornography and trafficking, their main goal is to suppress both memories and pain. More often than not, they will rely on the types of hypnotic sedatives you get at the dentist to do this, depending on who you are being trafficked to. If it is someone very paranoid, they might totally knock you out with something like Rohipnol or overdose you via insulin coma.



I was frequently sent into insulin coma once I reached a point where the usual drugs were no longer working. Looking back, even the other drugs didn't always work as intended. I'm one of those who remembers too much of the before, during and after. This may have been by design. I definitely have memories of my mother talking to me about a different drug the group wanted to try because of my tendency to remember the "before" part of abuse. Names, locations, conversations, etc..




But she was helping me simply by telling me that. I remember telling her one time "If this one takes 20 minutes to kick in instead of 15, then you're telling me I need to try as hard as possible to stay awake and record the additional 5 minutes."   She said "No, that's going to anger them."  I said "OK" and then proceeded to do exactly what I was told not to anyways.






When it comes to pure programming it seemed to me that they relied more on the types of drugs you could get through prescription even if they weren't on the market yet. When I was only about 7 years old I remember being given a combination of Seroquel and Adderal.  The Seroquel creates the hypnotic state and the amphetamine insures that you are still awake. 

They like this combo when you are doing grunt work for them and they want to layer in programming related to alien-human hybrid themes.To illustrate this, let me go into more detail about the memory because there is also a psychotronic weapon aspect to it

Around the age of 7 I was told that someone from the cult was working on a new type of floating point memory algorithm for the next generation of computer RAM. He was having trouble with the math related to the floating point number he had come up with, which was a long decimal number...something like 1.293848593e (I'm just making that up, I don't recall the actual number).

He needed to keep the number in bounds between positive and negative 3 in the program he was using, which was some type of software similar to Mathematica running on a Sinclair research computer or TRS 80 (this would've been about 1981).

So, I was dosed with the two drugs and then sat down in front of the computer while a desk fan blew air in my face. Their idea was that the drugged state along with the "wind" (note: Moriah's conquering wind is always available for about $20 usd at Wal Mart, lol).and the psychotronic aspects would cause me to believe I was in a UFO and not my bedroom.


I remember being quite groggy as the guy who wanted  the help was allowed to use the 'weapon' and tell me the floating point number. I'm certain it was him delivering the information despite the group having my mother tell me that it was my alien father "in heaven" talking to me directly through my DNA. 

I took the information and did what I thought I needed to do with the computer program. I answered the question the only way I could as a child. When he came in to see the results he glared at me while my mother asked if there was any way we could ever receive any credit or royalties just to help us in our own situation. Of course, the answer was no. Always has been (my mother and brother developed the first Photoshop plug-ins.)

But if you'd talked to me 3 days later it's quite possible some other aspect of the program was going on. It could've been a tranquilizer delivered odorlessly and tastelessly through my tea or soda. It took a while to realize that that's how they were dosing me for the trafficking. I started to pick up on that by around age 12, despite having known this since about 4. One of my uncle's had encouraged me to "drink your milk with the sleep aid" during one of my earliest trafficking memories - New Year's Eve of 1978 or so. 

It took a while for me to recall that as an older child and see that the info had always been there. I think that is what started another round of them struggling to figure out how to wipe my memory completely. It's that or my handlers were working counter to their own purposes just as they'd promised.