The Art of Remembering: Your Story, Other Surivors Stories

I was reading through a couple of interviews with MK Ultra survivor Kathleen Sullivan this evening. If you would like to read them, the links are here:

Hidden Mysteries: An Interview with Kathleen Sullivan

Democratic Undergound: Interview with Kathleen Sullivan

One thing I really liked was how straightforward she was about her experiences as well as the fact that she knew to draw boundaries around possible interpretations others might make about those experiences.

What struck me the most, though, were her comments on 'memory contamination.'  As I read her story, I recognized a lot of the same tactics and experiences in our shared state as survivors, but from a very general perspective. She has her memories, I have mine. Her belief is that survivors should not share explicit details about memories or read the stories of other survivors prior to doing their own memory work. She believes that this might contaminate one's own recall. She shared a story about having a memory come up and hearing that another survivor experienced a similar trauma - at which point she started to feel that she could not separate the two memories.

Personally, I believe that this is a very individual thing. I also believe that it can be useful to find out someone else experienced a similar trauma if for no other reason than the perpetrators are somewhat like robots and prefer to use the same methods over and over again. It is entirely possible for them to do to you what they did to someone else. Perhaps that person will remember more details of the process than you do. That doesn't mean you are making it up. It just means that they can help you fill in the gaps.

The details are good for forensic and legal purposes, and I don't think people should trouble themselves about whether what they recall is true, regardless of whether it took the prompting of a fellow survivor to jog their memory. What's important for healing is how YOU felt. What did the experience say to you?  How did you feel about yourself, your family, your friends, your handlers, etc? What belief entered your mind at the time and how is it affecting your life?

When I think of this idea of memory contamination I am drawn to parallels involving things like war and natural disasters. Maybe you were out in the middle of hurricane Katrina while someone else was holed away in their house. You remember running to the public shelter where the whole roof collapsed. Your friend remembers being inside their basement listening to radio reports. This does not mean that hurricane Katrina didn't happen.

It only means that you and your friend share an experience of a common, violent episode and you both had your own experience of it from a sensory standpoint. For someone to say that either or both of your memories is false is to deny the very heart of human experience through the senses. But this is what people do to Monarch/MK Ultra survivors. For us, the person in the basement listening to the radio was just imagining a disaster outside, having a bad dream, while the person seeing the roof cave in on the stadium must have an accurate memory because their experience was more intense and can be verified by outside sources.

That said, I can understand why Kathleen Sullivan feels the way she does. There's a dearth of accurate reporting and a dearth of treatment programs. The more you know about what you've been through, the more hesitant you are to say anything that leads another survivor down the wrong path. This won't be resolved until the truth comes out in a big way. For now, it does make sense to take a conservative approach in one's own retelling of this type of information.

I do my best in balancing that line with the things I post, however, I am a bit of a loudmouth and feel the need to push the boundaries just a bit. What I am starting to believe is that the truth will set you free. It is not programming to tell the truth about any experience. I have a memory and here is that memory. The only thing that should trigger anyone else is the extent of their own amnesia. This is something that one person cannot plan for and that is why I'd say 'read with risk in mind" as you read this blog. My memories may trigger yours and you need to be ready to deal with what comes up. If you feel like the information is too stressful, you should definitely take a break from it.

That is what I have done as I've explored this topic.It isn't always easy but I usually know when I am reading something that just isn't sitting right with me. If you start to feel exhausted when you are reading about this subject, give yourself a break. The fact is that it will probably draw you back at some point and you can pick up from there.