I have been posting at random based on what comes to mind and will probably continue to do so until I have an actual readership for this blog who can ask me to speak about specific topics. One thing I would like to address is what it feels like when you first go into the Monarch program and how it affects your early years.

First, some background...

My memory work leads me to believe a few things. The first is that both my parents as well as their parents, extended relatives, etc, were victims of multi-generational abuse. Some of them were involved in organized criminal activity. And many of them were also in the military. It seems like there was some type of cross-over between  military service, CIA connections and organized crime connections.

It also seems like there only needs to be one thread pulled. If even any one person meets all criteria, then they are like the catalyst that gets the entire family involved in the MK Ultra program. To be honest, the higher level researchers are kind of lazy. It is too risky to just go out and point to someone and say "I want to put you in this and study you."  It is easier to choose people from families where bad things are already happening.

In my case, it seems that certain people were involved in organized crime and some of those people were former Air Force and possibly CIA, but with an affection for Communism. The rest of the family tried to live it's life while these people continued to go deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole they were creating for themselves. It was inevitable that they would get the rest of the family held hostage to the system.

I know that things went on with my older siblings who have, respectively, 14 and 12 years age difference on me.  I can remember being in a motel room and, prior to being assaulted, one of the perpetrators said "This is the same place we used to take your sister. at your age."

It is hard to piece together because it seems that there are always degrees of involvement. It seems to me that my siblings were abused but not to the same extent that I was. I don't know if that is because things weren't as intense for them at the time in terms of who was involved or whether their personal psychological make up just didn't fit what the programmers were looking for.

Speaking to that idea, there is a memory I have from when I was really young..under the age of 7. I was with my mom, laying in the grass and looking at the clouds. She was teaching me to find shapes in the clouds.Not hard for her to do since she is very visual and loves art.  She said to me "Your sister didn't really have it. Your brother sort of had it. He has trapped a lot of monarch butterflies. That's what you're going into. It's called the monarch program."

I'm just sort of summarizing here, those may not be her exact words. The impression I got at the time was that there was something special going on that had to do with willingly participating in unusual research into human behavior. It made sense to me as a child. Based on what she was saying I could understand my sister not wanting to behave clinically. I could understand my brother being more open to scientific exploration. But what I could not understand was what in the @#$%! I had to do with it.

My sister was being trafficked. My brother was being trained into the typical male role of trafficker and programmer. What was I being trained to be?

But this is where some of the first stages of programming may have kicked in as I was told I had something that these people wanted. I was my mother and father on steroids. Seeing images where there were none. Longing for nature and the past without a clear sense of the future. Making split second survival decisions without regard for the consequences.

Would I be like them? Probably. If someone came along and forced me to be.  Whatever you do as a parent, your kids aren't you until they are forced to behave the way you would. That's part genetics and part your guidance, but I digress for now.

The important thing is that I was introduced to Monarch by my own mother in the context of us just relaxing and enjoying the sky. This was a learning moment. I did not forget what it meant to find shapes and pictures in otherwise ambiguous objects.  Many trauma sessions that followed put me in situations where I would seek out something visually familiar....maybe I'm getting assaulted on the bathroom floor and decide to focus on the weird wall paper in the room...maybe I'm staring at the popcorn ceiling and decide to find patterns in the bumps. As jaded as it sounds, it's something to do while the adult who is abusing you "finishes'.

These types of visuals are what the programmers can use to trigger you in other environments. It is pretty hard to avoid seeing shapes or words in things like popcorn ceilings, old wood, or any ambiguous visual field. You may not know that you are seeing it. But their goal is for everything around you to remind you of  past trauma whether you feel up to remembering or not. Go grocery shopping, go to the doctor, go see a friend, It doesn't matter, Triggers are there visually. They're probably there in what you listen to on the radio. In street signs. License plates. It doesn't matter. If they are determined, then your whole existence is one big trigger.

Eventually, the programmers and other perps don't even have to be in your life anymore for the triggers to keep working. To the extent that you haven't healed the past, you will see it all around you in the present. You could pick up and leave a familiar place, start over, but it won't matter until you deal with the triggers on a language/image level. These people can and will use predictive programming and expose you to future movies, music, tv shows, news stores, crossword puzzles, books you might want to read...to where it's like your whole world has turned into an aquarium over which they have ultimate control. What seems like a new, fun movie or tv show to your neighbor is actually something created 20-30 years ago and the CIA will expose you to the content and associate triggers with it, ensuring it still bothers you decades later when you're just looking for some mindless distraction.

You might say "Well, I'll do something else then. Something physical. Maybe I'll start a garden." If they expect this from you, they will have already layered in irritants about this, too. Perhaps you will hear them making lewd, suggestive comments about past trauma whenever you have to "bend over" to work in the garden.  It's something that normally wouldn't bother you, but can definitely become an issue if you are being actively triggered by them to start remembering the past.

More specifically, there are many hobbies and activities I have enjoyed over the years without any stress up until I reached the date that my 'deterioration program' was scheduled to begin. Since then, it has been difficult for me to just do me without hearing their secondary running commentary about everything I'm doing.

In order to defeat this type of programming you really have to find a way to advance in life. Move up the ladder, so to speak. But since that is exactly what they don't want you to do, it can feel very difficult at times.  If your programming is tied to a place or a work issue that requires money and years of experience to escape...it's a pretty dire situation. If that's where you are, as I am, all I can say is pray for the best. If you're just stuck around triggering individuals, however, you've got it a lot better. It is much easier to end a relationship than to escape the cycle of poverty.  But ending certain relationship may be key to ending the cycle of poverty as well, especially if you're dependent.

Sadly, in my case, I could've moved to the North Pole and the CIA still would have found me, raped me and programmed me, left me a hollow shell, and then pointed and laughed at how I'd given up the love of my complicit family.

This level of control is why we need disclosure. I'm sure there are other people out there who have had their lives totally manipulated. Some day the truth will be known. It may not set me free in time, but maybe someone else won't have to go through this.