This post is for anyone going through a difficult time in their recovery. I hope readers will have some feedback and insights to share on the subject. What has worked for you? What was the hardest thing for you to recover from or deal with and what was easier?
In my personal experience (and I suspect many others can relate to this as well), one of the worst parts of PTSD is anxiety. It is even worse if you've got health issues related to the stomach, esophagus, lungs or other central parts of the body because so many things can mimic the onset of a panic attack. I have had both real panic attacks and panic attacks induced by acid reflux.
But all of the symptoms from anxiety to anger to depression are our unfortunate legacy - we know the symptoms have been there a while. They were easier to manage when we were still in our amnesia. It gets harder when you start to wake up, though. This is even more true when you've been programmed to wake up a certain way, as many of us from the government projects were programmed to do.
I'm not saying I'm an expert or have it easier. I don't. I'm just a little farther along and have survived. So, I want to list a couple of symptoms you might go through and let you know that they're normal:
1. Sudden sense of panic that comes out of nowhere and lasts maybe 30 seconds (might include gastric symptoms, feeling of nausea, hot flashes). Panic symptoms are fairly normal. When it gets to this stage (the stomach stuff is what I go through) I can promise it is largely due to needing to take better care of yourself. Us survivors tend to go through addiction issues, many of which can cause or worsen gastritis, acid reflux, etc.
2. Feelings of doom, hopelessness and despair. Also normal. Some of these feelings might be engineered from the outside but I also find that internal parts have a lot to do with it, too. You've got to try to tune in and hear what your parts are saying in the back of your mind.
3. Rage, impatience, irritation. Not pleasant but also normal. Worse when you're tired or sick. Really frustrating if you can identify outside triggers, such as gangstalking, that seem designed to push your buttons. Beyond that it is usually an alter mis-programmed to bring up the worst of the abuse over and over (for instance, repeated flashbacks or body sensations of sexual assault).
4. Racing thoughts, unusual thoughts or confusing images or mental flashes. Also normal. The problem with this is that once it gets started it sometimes doesn't want to stop. The mental flashes, in particular, that seem out of context or possibly from the imagination are often actually memory fragments. If you get a lot of these and it seems to just go on its own steam then you were probably set up with what the handlers call a "flood program". Even if you aren't getting flooded with full memories you are still getting flooded with fragments and body sensations. To me, this usually feels a lot worse than just knowing what it's about. I recommend finding a distraction, watch or listen to something funny or educational.
5. Isolation, agoraphobia, ocd type symptoms. Also common. If you are a targeted individual on top of everything else then you've got to contend with this part of the program. I know it can be very exhausting to go out of the house and deal with all the triggers put right in your face on a daily basis. That's what they want.
Per number 5, let me speak to that a bit more before I wrap this up. In my targeting, the triggers are always designed to stand in contrast to my mood and symptoms. If I'm feeling sick and tired and just need to get some food and go, then it will always be the case that someone goes in front of me in the express lane at the store with 20 or more items, writes a check for them and then stands there and chitchats with the cashier for 5 to 10 minutes. If I complain, all the store employees respond as if I'm a crazy asshole.
When I wake up irritated and mad about the sexual component of the abuse, it's usually a lot of euphemistic triggers in people's conversations. "Yeeep, I heard she's wide open". "Oh no, I have a head injury", etc, etc. It will also usually be online with suggestive advertisements across social media and other sites, usually delivered by advertising.
They seem to know when I'm especially irritated and over it all because that's usually when I start seeing ads, stories, etc about guns, gun violence, suicide, mass shooters, etc. And that is irritating in itself. Those are the moments I can hear and feel them most strongly. Come, on, J, aren't you gonna go get 'revenge'? Nope, only Montezuma's revenge!
Ultimately I think what most of us need is some cold hard cash. Healing is not just time consuming but also expensive. I would love to live in a house or apartment that I've never been raped or tortured in but I can't afford to at the moment. I would love to get a few more things taken care of medically but I can't afford to at the moment. I would love to be less isolated and go into the big city near me and try to find friends and maybe a lover, but I can't do that drive on a regular basis..and I can't afford to move there at the moment.
You see where this is going, right? It's no coincidence so many of us end up on SSI, physically and/or emotionally disabled. Many of our injuries and accidents are programmed. Our education and our work life is programmed. We are kept alive in a closed system that is equivalent to living in a fish bowl. We must keep our heads up, our hopes up and our hearts full. Strive for creative solutions to find the way out. Find at least one awesome thing a day to be thankful for and put your trust in God finding a way through. This is the best advice I can give at the moment. I'm eager to hear what others have to say.
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