The C.I.A. agents who handled me were also researchers. They were interested in synesthesia and eidetic memory and possible links between the two. I can guess from my own experience that at least one application of their experiments is a silent communication system between agents. A friend reminded me the other day of the word they use for this: "flashing". If you're being interviewed (ahem, interrogated) they will ask "What are you flashing on?"
Soon after this friend mentioned this to me I started to recover some fragments of one of my handlers asking me this through a series of questions. For example, and I almost feel like I've got to be making this up because it's ridiculous, I was asked "Where do you think the blueprints are stored? What do you flash on?" "They're in a vault at Prince's house." "Prince is not blue, he's purple." "No, Prince is black, his clothes are purple." "Exactly. That's all for now."
So right away we have some type of encrypted message which I assume I only hold a part of through the color codes and word play. This is something they are very fond of and I can see how an operative with synesthesia might be ideal as a courier. I know that both in my mind's eye when my eyes are closed and even when open that I have a lot of random information stored. Letters, numbers, diagrams, pictures, videos, logic sequences, silent directives, you name it.
I can remember an experiment they did to 'upload' some of this information into me. One of my handlers had thought a lot about the visual field and how what we see with our eyes often leaves an after-image when we close them. The effect is stronger and longer lasting when the image is high-contrast. She developed a computer program that was like a screensaver that showed a set of shapes she'd chosen as faint, white images floating on a pitch black screen. I can remember having to watch them while under a combo of drugs and hypnosis.
I'm flashing on what looks like two separate memories about this. I can see myself sitting next to her in front of the computer monitor. The shapes are floating by and she's explaining something to me about it but I can't recall that just yet. In fact, I think she said that to me as 'an order'. In a second memory, it seemed they had some kind of virtual reality headset type thing that could display the same information and I had to lay on my bed while wearing it. But I know that they had my mom stand there and ask about what I was seeing, so it may be they just had something on me that mimicked having my eyes closed and I had to stare into that and tell them if I could see the shapes previously 'burnt in' by the computer monitor.
I'm not sure at this point whether there were other sessions or whether what she did actually became something my brain learned to do with color images all on its own. I think I tend towards the latter. All I know is that when I close my eyes there is always a flurry of these white, silhouetted images of shapes like rectangles and squares to begin. If I pay attention to it I start to get a very rapid and ephemeral series of other images: letters, numbers, buildings, random horse racing across my mind's eye in white and gold. Sometimes they flash and fade other times they float at different angles as they fade. What's interesting, though, is that *faces* of people are always in color. I don't know who it is I'm seeing but I do get flashes of unknown faces at times.
Well, this post has written itself in a way I didn't expect. I had intended to talk a bit more about their use of music and art in programming; however, those topics may illuminate what's going on better if I write about them from a different perspective. You the reader will be able to fill in some gaps yourself and understand the programming intuitively if you study these last three blog posts. That's all for now! ;-)
Monday, December 18, 2017
Friday, December 15, 2017
Sight, Sound and Memory Expiriments: Pt.1
Today I'd like to share my memories of various 'tests' my handlers gave me as a child. It appears there is something different about the brains of a lot of us who are chosen for MK Ultra programs.
The earliest memory I can retrieve right now is from around the age of 4 or 5, I believe. I know I was verbal but still small enough to beheld like a baby. My mom took me to a stranger's house and there in the living room was a group of about 12 people, very well-dressed, serious and important-looking.
Each person in the room told me their name one at a time and then I was put to sleep for a while. Upon waking, I was in my mother's arms and all the people stood around waiting for me to tell them their name. I remember telling each one what I thought I remembered. I might end up remembering all of those names again but right now what I recall is that there was a trick test there. They had a William Brooks II and a William Brooks III. The thing is, they weren't actually related to each other at all. They distinguished themselves by their jobs. One of them was a geriatric psychiatrist and the other 'held the checkbook for General Electric', in their words.
I'm having a hard time remembering what William Brooks III looked like and don't want to search for a picture of him until I feel like I've already formed an image in my mind. However, what I recall of William Brooks II turns out to be accurate and, in fact, his picture shown in his obituary looks exactly like what I remember. Big glasses and that big forehead he calmly nodded towards me when I said his name:
William Brooks II
Once I was done naming everyone, a man on the couch began speaking on behalf of the group. I don't know who he meant when he said "we" but his exact words were "We believe this to be the return of Elijah." Don't worry! I don't believe that crud for a second. I think it was programming. I think they already understood that my memory was above average and set this up for a reason.
Moving on, I have another memory of my mom and I sitting together in my closet as she arranged a deck of what's known as 'Zenner' cards. The cards had simple pictures on them. Things like cherries, ladders, horseshoe magnets, etc. I'm trying to remember how we started off..maybe 12 cards and then moving up to 20 or more. She would show me each card in the current deck order once and then have me repeat what I just saw. I seemed to be remembering in perfect order. She decided to shuffle a few of them and somehow I was able to hold the last sequence in my mind well enough to know which card moved where
This seemed to disturb her. She said "Honey, these cards are not see-through", in a tone of frustrated concern, which I found very odd. "What's the big deal?", I thought. I think I understand now that the big deal was the next level of programming based on the results of the test. The next level involved associating that sequence of cards visually with objects in my bedroom. Perhaps cherries go on the longest wall and the ladder goes over the bed, for example.
I was allowed to make a few of my own associations right away and was told that my handler was going to be reinforcing this card sequence with each trauma. I don't understand the psychology behind this but can speculate perhaps that it was like creating a mirror image of memories. It is somewhat traumatic in a sense to have such a weird experience with one's mother. From there, my mind was alert and open to suggestion for anything my handler wanted to layer in with her notion of associating the cards to objects in the room that would also serve as anchor points in trauma memory.
If you are interested in this subject, stay tuned for part two. I'll expand on these concepts a bit more and try to include some pictures for teaching and reference.
The earliest memory I can retrieve right now is from around the age of 4 or 5, I believe. I know I was verbal but still small enough to beheld like a baby. My mom took me to a stranger's house and there in the living room was a group of about 12 people, very well-dressed, serious and important-looking.
Each person in the room told me their name one at a time and then I was put to sleep for a while. Upon waking, I was in my mother's arms and all the people stood around waiting for me to tell them their name. I remember telling each one what I thought I remembered. I might end up remembering all of those names again but right now what I recall is that there was a trick test there. They had a William Brooks II and a William Brooks III. The thing is, they weren't actually related to each other at all. They distinguished themselves by their jobs. One of them was a geriatric psychiatrist and the other 'held the checkbook for General Electric', in their words.
I'm having a hard time remembering what William Brooks III looked like and don't want to search for a picture of him until I feel like I've already formed an image in my mind. However, what I recall of William Brooks II turns out to be accurate and, in fact, his picture shown in his obituary looks exactly like what I remember. Big glasses and that big forehead he calmly nodded towards me when I said his name:
William Brooks II
Once I was done naming everyone, a man on the couch began speaking on behalf of the group. I don't know who he meant when he said "we" but his exact words were "We believe this to be the return of Elijah." Don't worry! I don't believe that crud for a second. I think it was programming. I think they already understood that my memory was above average and set this up for a reason.
Moving on, I have another memory of my mom and I sitting together in my closet as she arranged a deck of what's known as 'Zenner' cards. The cards had simple pictures on them. Things like cherries, ladders, horseshoe magnets, etc. I'm trying to remember how we started off..maybe 12 cards and then moving up to 20 or more. She would show me each card in the current deck order once and then have me repeat what I just saw. I seemed to be remembering in perfect order. She decided to shuffle a few of them and somehow I was able to hold the last sequence in my mind well enough to know which card moved where
This seemed to disturb her. She said "Honey, these cards are not see-through", in a tone of frustrated concern, which I found very odd. "What's the big deal?", I thought. I think I understand now that the big deal was the next level of programming based on the results of the test. The next level involved associating that sequence of cards visually with objects in my bedroom. Perhaps cherries go on the longest wall and the ladder goes over the bed, for example.
I was allowed to make a few of my own associations right away and was told that my handler was going to be reinforcing this card sequence with each trauma. I don't understand the psychology behind this but can speculate perhaps that it was like creating a mirror image of memories. It is somewhat traumatic in a sense to have such a weird experience with one's mother. From there, my mind was alert and open to suggestion for anything my handler wanted to layer in with her notion of associating the cards to objects in the room that would also serve as anchor points in trauma memory.
If you are interested in this subject, stay tuned for part two. I'll expand on these concepts a bit more and try to include some pictures for teaching and reference.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Side Effects and Dangers of Blogging
Ah, programs and memory fragmentation! I knew I'd been told not to write that post about artificial intelligence, but didn't remember the 'punishment' until it actually started happening last night. Some combination of physical factors that my handlers created before the fact finally came together to cause what Bush described as the "jerking" sensation. He said I was a jerk to write about AI, much less mention him, so he was getting me to get jerked awake all night and have a series of weird, stressful dreams about something he called "Cyber Brigade vs. Super Soldiers".
I'm not sure if the problems I experienced last night were from allergies, a sinus infection or something else. I have had the jerking sensation before. Usually I'm not fully asleep when it happens. Anyways, it's never been quite as bad as it was last night. I woke up around 1:00 a.m. and could already tell my body didn't want to go back to sleep. There was no comfortable position to lay in. Every little thing seemed to hurt or fall asleep. I felt a weird pressure behind my eyes at times. My mind raced with images and words, ghost pictures of things I don't if I've ever seen before. Every time I relaxed at all my body suddenly switched to panic mode. This went for 3 or 4 hours before I finally fell asleep and started having very detailed and frustrating dreams.
Here's where it gets weirder today: I've also had just one part of a song repeating in my head over and over and it's driving me crazy. This morning I had a flashback to 5th grade. My handler worked at my school as the computer science teacher for a few years and did some of her programming in the classroom. I suddenly remembered her talking about this artist, whose name I won't mention. She said I would have trouble getting this person's voice out of my head. She described how she was deleting various programming loops and that this 'earworm' type repetitive torture was her way of keeping me deaf to most of the programming being done in her classroom.
I guess right now I'm just amazed that I remember this at all because it was just one day back in 1985. But my brain has been doing this every morning for a while now. The most random seeming fragments from almost any time I focus on are willing to present themselves. The human mind is indeed a mystery!
I'm not sure if the problems I experienced last night were from allergies, a sinus infection or something else. I have had the jerking sensation before. Usually I'm not fully asleep when it happens. Anyways, it's never been quite as bad as it was last night. I woke up around 1:00 a.m. and could already tell my body didn't want to go back to sleep. There was no comfortable position to lay in. Every little thing seemed to hurt or fall asleep. I felt a weird pressure behind my eyes at times. My mind raced with images and words, ghost pictures of things I don't if I've ever seen before. Every time I relaxed at all my body suddenly switched to panic mode. This went for 3 or 4 hours before I finally fell asleep and started having very detailed and frustrating dreams.
Here's where it gets weirder today: I've also had just one part of a song repeating in my head over and over and it's driving me crazy. This morning I had a flashback to 5th grade. My handler worked at my school as the computer science teacher for a few years and did some of her programming in the classroom. I suddenly remembered her talking about this artist, whose name I won't mention. She said I would have trouble getting this person's voice out of my head. She described how she was deleting various programming loops and that this 'earworm' type repetitive torture was her way of keeping me deaf to most of the programming being done in her classroom.
I guess right now I'm just amazed that I remember this at all because it was just one day back in 1985. But my brain has been doing this every morning for a while now. The most random seeming fragments from almost any time I focus on are willing to present themselves. The human mind is indeed a mystery!
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Artificial Intelligence and End Times Prophecies
A friend of mine posted this earlier today on Facebook:
AI God by 2029
Although she didn't know that it would trigger my memories I feel like this is a good example of the human/humane AI logic my handlers set up. Survivors may not always recognize each other's host personalities but many times their alters recognize each other. So, first I want to say thank you to that part of her that took an interest in this subject and posted about it. This is going to be important for a lot of reasons, if only I can find the right words to explain it all!
Things are coming to pass just as I believe I was told they would. I have only my memories to go on. Sometimes I don't feel credible to others because I need the cues to retrieve certain things. That makes it look like I'm claiming to know something after the fact. If I had been talking about the A.I. beast before this, I'd be a lot more believable. But I wasn't talking about it. I was only thinking about it. Trying to wrap my intellect around it. Not just my academic intellect but my heart wisdom and my feelings as someone raised in an Episcopal mindset.
That said, here is the first set of memories this has triggered....a lot of programming took place in my life and there are certain ages that are always highlighted in my mind...7, 10, 16...those were very heavy programming years that involved a lot of contact with higher ups such as the Bushes, Clintons, British royalty, communist spies, the list goes on. It was Bush Snr. who spoke of "rapture impatience" and the idea of bringing Satan to life artificially, essentially just forcing the issue.
He pointed to two very important times: 2020 and 2029. 2029 is indeed the deadline according to what I believe he said to me. 2020 is our last chance to stop it. He said what we had to have by 2020 is massive disclosure. If we can bring the truth to light by 2020 we can stop this program, otherwise things are going to get pretty nasty.
What are the dangers of an A.I. anti-christ? What are the principles on which such a thing would operate? This is where I feel my upbringing as a typical stodgy Anglican skeptic has some real value. If you don't know much about Episcopalians, one key thing about us is that God is a rock which never wavers. Secondly, there will be tests, "fake raptures" if you will, each one teaching us how to communicate more clearly with truth. Even so, we understand that even an invented or artificially created rapture may still be a disaster.
But these are the lessons time and again, aren't they? Variations on experiences of hell without the ultimate end coming to pass. Think of the hell our ancestors went through across the world when they waged war. Think of the survivors of the Holocaust. Think of those people who didn't know what hit them when the United States dropped the hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima. Think of the people in India today who are living in cities so polluted they are just as bad as gas chambers. All of these are conditions that mimic hell.
These tragedies are engineered willfully in our prejudices and lack of emotional insight. You must be by definition neurologically possessed if your anger or bitterness leads you to slaughter millions of innocent people for some ideology that will someday pass away just like all the rest. The architects of the fake rapture know this and they continue anyways. It's an experiment for them. They sense that they could hasten the end times by intentionally creating the conditions described in The Bible.
Some would say "Well that must be what The Bible was describing. It must have warned us that other people would bring in the anti christ." Again, my faith says "No, not really." All they can do is bring in conditions that mimic hell. They can create the hell of poverty, the hell of pollution, the hell of war, the hell of famine and on and on. But no matter what they do, they cannot provoke God to act before the time is right.
That said, what are we really talking about here? God is not going to leave us unprepared. Every brush with death is a lesson. Is this AI machine really the devil? No, it's only an imitation. But that doesn't mean it isn't preparing us and teaching us. Imagine that everything you do in daily life is tracked and quantified and matched with a product. That is what this AI will do. It is an advertiser's dream come true. Total control of the products you use to live each day. Everything from food to toilet paper.
It will know your likes and dislikes based on life experience, location, education, job title, etc. It will deliver news and products to you based on those preferences. It will track the purchases made with your debit or credit card to understand whether you were just running errands or going on an emotion-fueled shopping spree in response to certain stimuli. There is a profile for battered women shoppers. There is a profile for newly out of the closet gay man shoppers. There is a profile for just had a baby shoppers. There is an impulse purchase profile for everyone and there is a long term beliefs profile for everyone.
That's pretty creepy but here is where it actually gets Satanic. Let's say that the woman in the abusive relationship is sent coupons for "Hugs n' Comfort Diapers". Now you are advertising to her emotional poverty through the emotional manipulation of her relationship with her child. Let's say you are a gay man. Now you get ads for HIV drugs, condoms and gluten free crackers. The assumptions about your lifestyle make you wonder if you *should* find a reason to buy these products. Your mind fills the gaps in on its own.
But that's not all. Let's say the A.I. becomes the registrar of everything you do. It timestamps your enrollment into primary school, your first driver's license, first date, first day at college, etc, etc. and it delivers advertising targeted to your situation and also makes it easy for you since all of your financial accounts are hooked in. It's just as easy as saying "Alexa, sign me up for nursing school" and you are immediately matched and billed for a program in your community.
What this does is take the architecture of your own decision making and put it into someone else's hands based on an algorithm. It strips your life of the value of randomness and fate and shoves you square in to what's easy.For some people this might not be a bad thing. For the rest of us, though, we may need to do that road trip first or think about things a while.
I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of this but I guess I'll come back with another post!
AI God by 2029
Although she didn't know that it would trigger my memories I feel like this is a good example of the human/humane AI logic my handlers set up. Survivors may not always recognize each other's host personalities but many times their alters recognize each other. So, first I want to say thank you to that part of her that took an interest in this subject and posted about it. This is going to be important for a lot of reasons, if only I can find the right words to explain it all!
Things are coming to pass just as I believe I was told they would. I have only my memories to go on. Sometimes I don't feel credible to others because I need the cues to retrieve certain things. That makes it look like I'm claiming to know something after the fact. If I had been talking about the A.I. beast before this, I'd be a lot more believable. But I wasn't talking about it. I was only thinking about it. Trying to wrap my intellect around it. Not just my academic intellect but my heart wisdom and my feelings as someone raised in an Episcopal mindset.
That said, here is the first set of memories this has triggered....a lot of programming took place in my life and there are certain ages that are always highlighted in my mind...7, 10, 16...those were very heavy programming years that involved a lot of contact with higher ups such as the Bushes, Clintons, British royalty, communist spies, the list goes on. It was Bush Snr. who spoke of "rapture impatience" and the idea of bringing Satan to life artificially, essentially just forcing the issue.
He pointed to two very important times: 2020 and 2029. 2029 is indeed the deadline according to what I believe he said to me. 2020 is our last chance to stop it. He said what we had to have by 2020 is massive disclosure. If we can bring the truth to light by 2020 we can stop this program, otherwise things are going to get pretty nasty.
What are the dangers of an A.I. anti-christ? What are the principles on which such a thing would operate? This is where I feel my upbringing as a typical stodgy Anglican skeptic has some real value. If you don't know much about Episcopalians, one key thing about us is that God is a rock which never wavers. Secondly, there will be tests, "fake raptures" if you will, each one teaching us how to communicate more clearly with truth. Even so, we understand that even an invented or artificially created rapture may still be a disaster.
But these are the lessons time and again, aren't they? Variations on experiences of hell without the ultimate end coming to pass. Think of the hell our ancestors went through across the world when they waged war. Think of the survivors of the Holocaust. Think of those people who didn't know what hit them when the United States dropped the hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima. Think of the people in India today who are living in cities so polluted they are just as bad as gas chambers. All of these are conditions that mimic hell.
These tragedies are engineered willfully in our prejudices and lack of emotional insight. You must be by definition neurologically possessed if your anger or bitterness leads you to slaughter millions of innocent people for some ideology that will someday pass away just like all the rest. The architects of the fake rapture know this and they continue anyways. It's an experiment for them. They sense that they could hasten the end times by intentionally creating the conditions described in The Bible.
Some would say "Well that must be what The Bible was describing. It must have warned us that other people would bring in the anti christ." Again, my faith says "No, not really." All they can do is bring in conditions that mimic hell. They can create the hell of poverty, the hell of pollution, the hell of war, the hell of famine and on and on. But no matter what they do, they cannot provoke God to act before the time is right.
That said, what are we really talking about here? God is not going to leave us unprepared. Every brush with death is a lesson. Is this AI machine really the devil? No, it's only an imitation. But that doesn't mean it isn't preparing us and teaching us. Imagine that everything you do in daily life is tracked and quantified and matched with a product. That is what this AI will do. It is an advertiser's dream come true. Total control of the products you use to live each day. Everything from food to toilet paper.
It will know your likes and dislikes based on life experience, location, education, job title, etc. It will deliver news and products to you based on those preferences. It will track the purchases made with your debit or credit card to understand whether you were just running errands or going on an emotion-fueled shopping spree in response to certain stimuli. There is a profile for battered women shoppers. There is a profile for newly out of the closet gay man shoppers. There is a profile for just had a baby shoppers. There is an impulse purchase profile for everyone and there is a long term beliefs profile for everyone.
That's pretty creepy but here is where it actually gets Satanic. Let's say that the woman in the abusive relationship is sent coupons for "Hugs n' Comfort Diapers". Now you are advertising to her emotional poverty through the emotional manipulation of her relationship with her child. Let's say you are a gay man. Now you get ads for HIV drugs, condoms and gluten free crackers. The assumptions about your lifestyle make you wonder if you *should* find a reason to buy these products. Your mind fills the gaps in on its own.
But that's not all. Let's say the A.I. becomes the registrar of everything you do. It timestamps your enrollment into primary school, your first driver's license, first date, first day at college, etc, etc. and it delivers advertising targeted to your situation and also makes it easy for you since all of your financial accounts are hooked in. It's just as easy as saying "Alexa, sign me up for nursing school" and you are immediately matched and billed for a program in your community.
What this does is take the architecture of your own decision making and put it into someone else's hands based on an algorithm. It strips your life of the value of randomness and fate and shoves you square in to what's easy.For some people this might not be a bad thing. For the rest of us, though, we may need to do that road trip first or think about things a while.
I feel like I've barely scratched the surface of this but I guess I'll come back with another post!
Sunday, November 26, 2017
*TW* Memory Scrambling Tactics
If there is one thing I think I could help others learn from my experience, it would be how to sort out memories that don't make sense. This still comes with a trigger warning, though. Maybe it's for the best for some people that they don't put certain fragments together. If you feel like you need to do that, though, read on...
One of the first things I remember about how my handler tried to manipulate my memory is that she had my family frequently make me switch rooms and rearrange furniture. We had a 4 bedroom house. My sister had moved out so it was just me, my brother and our parents. This meant there was one spare bedroom that I could be moved into and out of as needed. I believe this part of the program had to do with compartmentalization of memories based on visual-spatial cues.
A similar tactic had to do with moving the furniture around in the room. Sometimes the furniture would be moved for the abuse event then moved back while I was unconscious, ensuring I'd wake up with the room just the way it looked before something happened. Other times they'd let time pass and build up the trauma memories before switching the furniture.
I'm assuming all this was an attempt to create alters that identify a certain way with the environment.
At any rate, this went counter to their purposes but I'm guessing it may have been my handler's way of getting me to remember more than I should and getting away with it. I'm a creature of habit, so changes in my environment are very noticeable to me. This had the effect of creating an anchor point between clusters of memories. Each room was like a file with information in it and each transition was also like a file. Her tone with me varied between rooms so it was like she was talking out both sides of her mouth.
It was very much a computer program because all memory devices operated on "WHILE". While my bed is against that wall and my stereo is over on that other wall, X happens. While I was looking at that particular photo, or that stuffed animal very intentionally in one corner of the room, etc etc...while these conditions prevailed, memories were associated with them.
If you intend to break through your amnesia, it can be very helpful to call up these types of images. Your memories may come back to you as the smallest of fragments. For instance, you might keep seeing a particular piece of art that used to hang on the wall. You have to ask yourself: what happened while that was there? Was there ever a time something happened before, during or after I was looking at that concrete physical object? This speaks a lot to how esoteric triggers are created in the program. The average person may be afraid of snakes or planes but MK Ultra survivors are made to fear things like Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" or certain smells or lighting conditions.
Imagine you've spent your whole life agonizing over not knowing how to do an oil change on your car yet you've also possessed your father's "How to Be an Auto Mechanic" book the entire time and never followed your good intentions to read it? If you search your memory, you will usually find more memories about the first time you saw the book on the coffee table, the first time someone sexually assaulted or electrocuted you WHILE making you stare at that book and WHILE saying things like "You should be able to do this as your dad's kid but you never will. You are not allowed to save money by fixing your own car."
These types of attacks go into the part of our brain where memories would have been stored about common knowledge and sometimes academic knowledge. Most people learn a lot just from being immersed in their environment, similar to the way we learn language. When you are in MK Ultra, however, all of your environmental advantages are tampered with and taken from you. Unless you are chosen for a reason. you will never for example follow in the footsteps of a successful parent's career.
Finally, there's also some advanced tampering with environmental cues that I think can tell you a lot about WHO your perpetrators were connected to. I have a lot of memories of being assaulted in buildings that were still under construction as well as in places like malls (on Sunday) where you'd think it would be difficult to gain access. Even if you know you have CIA handlers, it doesn't mean they flashed a badge and got you in. More than likely they already had "buddies" who were real estate developers who could give them access to the property with no questions asked. Think about the kinds of places you remember being taken to outside of home and ask yourself: what is the simplest explanation for how this would've worked? Who would've had to be involved for them to get away with it?
One of the first things I remember about how my handler tried to manipulate my memory is that she had my family frequently make me switch rooms and rearrange furniture. We had a 4 bedroom house. My sister had moved out so it was just me, my brother and our parents. This meant there was one spare bedroom that I could be moved into and out of as needed. I believe this part of the program had to do with compartmentalization of memories based on visual-spatial cues.
A similar tactic had to do with moving the furniture around in the room. Sometimes the furniture would be moved for the abuse event then moved back while I was unconscious, ensuring I'd wake up with the room just the way it looked before something happened. Other times they'd let time pass and build up the trauma memories before switching the furniture.
I'm assuming all this was an attempt to create alters that identify a certain way with the environment.
At any rate, this went counter to their purposes but I'm guessing it may have been my handler's way of getting me to remember more than I should and getting away with it. I'm a creature of habit, so changes in my environment are very noticeable to me. This had the effect of creating an anchor point between clusters of memories. Each room was like a file with information in it and each transition was also like a file. Her tone with me varied between rooms so it was like she was talking out both sides of her mouth.
It was very much a computer program because all memory devices operated on "WHILE". While my bed is against that wall and my stereo is over on that other wall, X happens. While I was looking at that particular photo, or that stuffed animal very intentionally in one corner of the room, etc etc...while these conditions prevailed, memories were associated with them.
If you intend to break through your amnesia, it can be very helpful to call up these types of images. Your memories may come back to you as the smallest of fragments. For instance, you might keep seeing a particular piece of art that used to hang on the wall. You have to ask yourself: what happened while that was there? Was there ever a time something happened before, during or after I was looking at that concrete physical object? This speaks a lot to how esoteric triggers are created in the program. The average person may be afraid of snakes or planes but MK Ultra survivors are made to fear things like Da Vinci's "The Last Supper" or certain smells or lighting conditions.
Imagine you've spent your whole life agonizing over not knowing how to do an oil change on your car yet you've also possessed your father's "How to Be an Auto Mechanic" book the entire time and never followed your good intentions to read it? If you search your memory, you will usually find more memories about the first time you saw the book on the coffee table, the first time someone sexually assaulted or electrocuted you WHILE making you stare at that book and WHILE saying things like "You should be able to do this as your dad's kid but you never will. You are not allowed to save money by fixing your own car."
These types of attacks go into the part of our brain where memories would have been stored about common knowledge and sometimes academic knowledge. Most people learn a lot just from being immersed in their environment, similar to the way we learn language. When you are in MK Ultra, however, all of your environmental advantages are tampered with and taken from you. Unless you are chosen for a reason. you will never for example follow in the footsteps of a successful parent's career.
Finally, there's also some advanced tampering with environmental cues that I think can tell you a lot about WHO your perpetrators were connected to. I have a lot of memories of being assaulted in buildings that were still under construction as well as in places like malls (on Sunday) where you'd think it would be difficult to gain access. Even if you know you have CIA handlers, it doesn't mean they flashed a badge and got you in. More than likely they already had "buddies" who were real estate developers who could give them access to the property with no questions asked. Think about the kinds of places you remember being taken to outside of home and ask yourself: what is the simplest explanation for how this would've worked? Who would've had to be involved for them to get away with it?
Saturday, November 25, 2017
*TW* Food Programming
I should probably put trigger warnings on all my posts. Please forgive me for just now getting with the program. If you have food issues, this post may or may not help you understand some of them. It depends on whether they used this same tactic on you.
What I want to discuss today is how the handlers use food in screening memories. They like to add this component in to the relationship with your primary caretaker, usually mom. This goes along with all the other screening done with movies, television, books and music.
A majority of my food programming had to do with the sexual assaults. They tried as hard as possible to create sexual euphemisms using everyday food. I'm going to use clinical terms here which might trigger some people but I think it's important to just be honest. Here are some examples:
Then, she turns it on me. As I go through life and decide to experiment with being more plant based, she programs that to the idea of "matching" her. She thinks she can turn me into a ped by going vegetarian *or* she knows that eating less meat probably would be good for me and is now preventing me from being comfortable with a new diet because she, the abuser, is the first person I ever met who followed that lifestyle.
I remember when these triggers first started. I'd be shopping and I'd hear her narrating everything: "Oh are you EATING BABY KALE? Is that As(s)-para-gee-us? You can buy some fruit OR some baked beans but not both at once, otherwise you are a pedophile."
It literally drove me insane and, actually, this is the first time I'm realizing that that part of the programming has died down. I was so glad for it to stop I didn't give it another thought until just now. I'm sure if she were sitting here she'd say "don't post about this or you're a cereal killer!"
I don't want to assign that sense of humor to her since it is all so awful; however, I guess the programming did keep me from spending too much at the store during a very critical time in my transition.
Once I got past that I can see now that they used it on me again when I was living with another survivor. I had to fight the programming to tell him what had happened in our past, to tell him that as recently as a few years ago he had been at my house and been assaulted. The pressure was intense because they had programmed him to rip off all of *my* amnesia barriers. Again, a lot of this was done through food - the type of food products that he chose.
He would bring home things like "Heart 2 Heart" cereal, as in "let's have a heart to heart, tell me what happened." His host personality was not aware of this and I knew better than to tell him in the situation he was in. It would've been too much. But they had his alter programmed to punish me for that and bring various food items into the house that were triggering for me. They also had him virtually destroy my refrigerator by constantly buying the same things that we weren't yet out of and then shoving all of my food into the back to rot.
It really pissed me off!
Anyways, I think that's it for this topic. If anything resonates with you, let me know in the comments!
What I want to discuss today is how the handlers use food in screening memories. They like to add this component in to the relationship with your primary caretaker, usually mom. This goes along with all the other screening done with movies, television, books and music.
A majority of my food programming had to do with the sexual assaults. They tried as hard as possible to create sexual euphemisms using everyday food. I'm going to use clinical terms here which might trigger some people but I think it's important to just be honest. Here are some examples:
- An anal assault occurred: The next day, I'd have a banana with peanut butter.
- A vaginal/oral assault occurred: I would have a tuna-fish sandwich or a bowl of
clam chowder (clam chow there). - My handler assaults me then has my mom tell me she wanted me to know that she knows she "got a little wild last night". So, we have "wild rice" with dinner.
Then, she turns it on me. As I go through life and decide to experiment with being more plant based, she programs that to the idea of "matching" her. She thinks she can turn me into a ped by going vegetarian *or* she knows that eating less meat probably would be good for me and is now preventing me from being comfortable with a new diet because she, the abuser, is the first person I ever met who followed that lifestyle.
I remember when these triggers first started. I'd be shopping and I'd hear her narrating everything: "Oh are you EATING BABY KALE? Is that As(s)-para-gee-us? You can buy some fruit OR some baked beans but not both at once, otherwise you are a pedophile."
It literally drove me insane and, actually, this is the first time I'm realizing that that part of the programming has died down. I was so glad for it to stop I didn't give it another thought until just now. I'm sure if she were sitting here she'd say "don't post about this or you're a cereal killer!"
I don't want to assign that sense of humor to her since it is all so awful; however, I guess the programming did keep me from spending too much at the store during a very critical time in my transition.
Once I got past that I can see now that they used it on me again when I was living with another survivor. I had to fight the programming to tell him what had happened in our past, to tell him that as recently as a few years ago he had been at my house and been assaulted. The pressure was intense because they had programmed him to rip off all of *my* amnesia barriers. Again, a lot of this was done through food - the type of food products that he chose.
He would bring home things like "Heart 2 Heart" cereal, as in "let's have a heart to heart, tell me what happened." His host personality was not aware of this and I knew better than to tell him in the situation he was in. It would've been too much. But they had his alter programmed to punish me for that and bring various food items into the house that were triggering for me. They also had him virtually destroy my refrigerator by constantly buying the same things that we weren't yet out of and then shoving all of my food into the back to rot.
It really pissed me off!
Anyways, I think that's it for this topic. If anything resonates with you, let me know in the comments!
Sunday, November 19, 2017
In-School Programming
Some memories of note regarding how programs and handling operated at my elementary school......
All of our teachers seemed privy to insider information about the future of technology and its impact on society and work. They tended to over-complicate basic math and science curriculum with lectures about how important it was for all of us to master these skills, even if we weren't going into a technical profession. They were right about that but very heavy-handed about it and not helpful to kids like me who just needed them to keep it simple, not pair it with apocalyptic visions of being too stupid to use an ATM machine properly.
I could be imagining this but I also think I remember our P.E./Science teacher giving us an entire lesson on skepticism one time. He spent the whole period talking to us about people who believe in things like aliens and cryptids and how he wanted us all to learn to debunk these things with science. He said it was our Christian duty to deprogram others from believing in these things.
On various occasions we were given hemispheric specialization tests under the guise of 'fun personality quizzes'. These types of tests were presented as "breaks" from whatever subject we were studying. None of us minded because it usually felt in some of our classes that we were getting crammed with college level amounts of information. By just the second grade they were forcing us to learn the taxonomy of everything in nature and didn't care that none of us spoke Latin. We were just to memorize the words even if they were gibberish in the hopes that we'd recognize the origins when we did take Latin.
These types of things were typical of the environment and although it seemed out of the ordinary to me I was encouraged to explain it away as "just a fancy school experimenting with alternative lesson plans."
The more blatant programming, for me, happened during 5th grade computer science with the handler from the Y. Whenever she was programming us as a group she would start by giving us all a drink and a snack. Looking back on this, she had to have put drugs in our drinks for her to be able to get away with what she was saying and have none of us interrupt her. I can remember hearing her describe the deterioration programs of at least 7 people (including me) in class. I can also remember her using the term "T.I.", targeted individual, and about some of us being "in the cross-hairs" of a group of Nazis.
Then, there were the private sessions that she did with some of us. She started out holding us after class for 5 to 10 minutes and then increased the time a bit by getting the class moved to the end of the day so that she could work with us during carpool instead of making us late to other teacher's classes.
These private sessions had a lot to do with controlling alters. I can remember her explaining the concept of "spinning" to me. She described future traumas and what type of spinning they would cause as well as what I needed to do to stop it. She seemed to be putting trigger words in front of me and testing me for the reaction. If I seemed to get confused or panic, she would say "Control-Alt-Delete. Go to the home screen." We were actually working on all this on a computer with some type of program she'd set up for it.
She also had set up something she called "learning your script." This was very strange since the "script" was a lot of CIA word play gibberish. I recovered what I think is most of the script several years ago and wrote it down on an app in an old cell phone. I can't recall all of it right now and I can't turn that phone back on, but I do remember this part:
'My name is an E.T. phoneme. Phone me.
Call me, Marsy Device."
Marsy Device was an elide for "Marcy Davis", which wasn't her name at all, but the name of the mother of another survivor who lived in my handler's home state. As my life played out, however, this pairing made no sense. I knew I had met Marcy but I never had the ability to call her nor could I call my handler. All of my interactions with other survivors or members of "the network" were timed and controlled by my handlers and would set upon me without any warning. Bam! Here's Marcy! Bam! Here's Marcy's kid. I had no say in any of it. I was merely being "exposed" to a lot of people and information and, it seems, asked to remember all of it.
That "job", if you want to call it that, is something I feel like I was programmed for inside and outside of school. School, however, gave her a lot more leeway on certain things she wanted to do. No one batted an eye if she wanted to work one on one or with a small select group of us. I can still remember her pulling me aside one day and asking me to help her find "the key to Pandora's Box". She had been asking me a lot about keys at that time and for some reason the only thing I could think to do is figure out where to steal some. So, I stole keys out of an abandoned car at the mall as well as a whole pile that were set aside at school as something for us to play with.
I feel bad about that now and don't know why I was doing it. But in my situation I learned to swallow remorse and guilt for helping the criminals around me do what they claimed they needed to do to help me. If I'm being generous to myself, I'd say it's like Don Johnson on Miami Vice being forced to smuggle cocaine in order to save his own life. I had to do a lot of things that were wrong and pretend that it wasn't me. Once I realized that procuring all these keys for her wasn't changing anything I decided that she was just trying to turn me into a thief or shoplifter.
I stopped doing her dirty work at school and started paying more attention to who she was outside the classroom. Learning to recognize those two personas as the same person was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. It would be a while until I made that connection, though. She disappeared my 6th grade year, and the other computer science teacher said "She got divorced and had a heart attack." So, I thought this handler was dead. It wasn't until I had moved on to Junior High/High School that I realized she and the other one were still alive and well and tracking me.
All of our teachers seemed privy to insider information about the future of technology and its impact on society and work. They tended to over-complicate basic math and science curriculum with lectures about how important it was for all of us to master these skills, even if we weren't going into a technical profession. They were right about that but very heavy-handed about it and not helpful to kids like me who just needed them to keep it simple, not pair it with apocalyptic visions of being too stupid to use an ATM machine properly.
I could be imagining this but I also think I remember our P.E./Science teacher giving us an entire lesson on skepticism one time. He spent the whole period talking to us about people who believe in things like aliens and cryptids and how he wanted us all to learn to debunk these things with science. He said it was our Christian duty to deprogram others from believing in these things.
On various occasions we were given hemispheric specialization tests under the guise of 'fun personality quizzes'. These types of tests were presented as "breaks" from whatever subject we were studying. None of us minded because it usually felt in some of our classes that we were getting crammed with college level amounts of information. By just the second grade they were forcing us to learn the taxonomy of everything in nature and didn't care that none of us spoke Latin. We were just to memorize the words even if they were gibberish in the hopes that we'd recognize the origins when we did take Latin.
These types of things were typical of the environment and although it seemed out of the ordinary to me I was encouraged to explain it away as "just a fancy school experimenting with alternative lesson plans."
The more blatant programming, for me, happened during 5th grade computer science with the handler from the Y. Whenever she was programming us as a group she would start by giving us all a drink and a snack. Looking back on this, she had to have put drugs in our drinks for her to be able to get away with what she was saying and have none of us interrupt her. I can remember hearing her describe the deterioration programs of at least 7 people (including me) in class. I can also remember her using the term "T.I.", targeted individual, and about some of us being "in the cross-hairs" of a group of Nazis.
Then, there were the private sessions that she did with some of us. She started out holding us after class for 5 to 10 minutes and then increased the time a bit by getting the class moved to the end of the day so that she could work with us during carpool instead of making us late to other teacher's classes.
These private sessions had a lot to do with controlling alters. I can remember her explaining the concept of "spinning" to me. She described future traumas and what type of spinning they would cause as well as what I needed to do to stop it. She seemed to be putting trigger words in front of me and testing me for the reaction. If I seemed to get confused or panic, she would say "Control-Alt-Delete. Go to the home screen." We were actually working on all this on a computer with some type of program she'd set up for it.
She also had set up something she called "learning your script." This was very strange since the "script" was a lot of CIA word play gibberish. I recovered what I think is most of the script several years ago and wrote it down on an app in an old cell phone. I can't recall all of it right now and I can't turn that phone back on, but I do remember this part:
'My name is an E.T. phoneme. Phone me.
Call me, Marsy Device."
Marsy Device was an elide for "Marcy Davis", which wasn't her name at all, but the name of the mother of another survivor who lived in my handler's home state. As my life played out, however, this pairing made no sense. I knew I had met Marcy but I never had the ability to call her nor could I call my handler. All of my interactions with other survivors or members of "the network" were timed and controlled by my handlers and would set upon me without any warning. Bam! Here's Marcy! Bam! Here's Marcy's kid. I had no say in any of it. I was merely being "exposed" to a lot of people and information and, it seems, asked to remember all of it.
That "job", if you want to call it that, is something I feel like I was programmed for inside and outside of school. School, however, gave her a lot more leeway on certain things she wanted to do. No one batted an eye if she wanted to work one on one or with a small select group of us. I can still remember her pulling me aside one day and asking me to help her find "the key to Pandora's Box". She had been asking me a lot about keys at that time and for some reason the only thing I could think to do is figure out where to steal some. So, I stole keys out of an abandoned car at the mall as well as a whole pile that were set aside at school as something for us to play with.
I feel bad about that now and don't know why I was doing it. But in my situation I learned to swallow remorse and guilt for helping the criminals around me do what they claimed they needed to do to help me. If I'm being generous to myself, I'd say it's like Don Johnson on Miami Vice being forced to smuggle cocaine in order to save his own life. I had to do a lot of things that were wrong and pretend that it wasn't me. Once I realized that procuring all these keys for her wasn't changing anything I decided that she was just trying to turn me into a thief or shoplifter.
I stopped doing her dirty work at school and started paying more attention to who she was outside the classroom. Learning to recognize those two personas as the same person was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. It would be a while until I made that connection, though. She disappeared my 6th grade year, and the other computer science teacher said "She got divorced and had a heart attack." So, I thought this handler was dead. It wasn't until I had moved on to Junior High/High School that I realized she and the other one were still alive and well and tracking me.
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